What a man thinks, so is he........what?

Hello everyone, just a few thoughts today.  Have any of you wondered why some of us fight successful actions?  I talked with a friend of mine today that I used to work with..for over an hour!  I only called for a simple question and we found ourselves talking about the "good ole days" at the job we both
worked at.  I was hearing about what this person is now doing and what that person is now and I found myself once again wondering why I'm where I'm at and not working toward another goal?

My daughter is extremely intelligent, actually all of my kids are.  Each one of them could really have excelled at high school but none of them had the determination or the desire to reach their full potential.  I was not a good role model either.  I've been one of these people that has constantly quit most things that are working toward my good.  What got me thinking about this was my daughter has such low standards for herself.  She reminds me of me and sometimes that's scary.  She is smart enough to take on just about anything, but she doesn't think anyone would give her a chance so she just passes by those job openings that could give a leg up not only employment wise but also would do wonders for her self esteem.

I think each of us has a tape that plays in our heads that tells us what we should be thinking of ourselves based on the information it's been given, much like a computer does.  It only puts out what's been put in.  Apparently somewhere along the way, my children and myself were convinced that having goals were unrealistic and attempting to meet them would only lead to failure.  My daughter is going to college right now and I honestly couldn't be more proud of her, but she is setting her sights pretty low, just in case, I think.  My older son is capable of things you wouldn't believe, and apparently neither does he.  He is content to just exist in this life.  My youngest son is still finding his way.  Trying to figure out which is more important, partying with your friends while you're young or getting started on figuring things out.

I truly believe that each of us should start paying attention to the things we say to ourselves.  Yes, most of us do talk to ourselves.  Some of us, more than others.  What are we saying?  Is it uplifting?  Is it positive?  Does it encourage us or discourage us?  Do we tell ourselves we're fat or ugly?  Do we ever tell ourselves that we're actually doing okay?  What's on these tapes we listen to and should they be destroyed?  I think if we made a conscious effort to listen to what we say to ourselves out loud or just unspoken thoughts we have, we would be surprised at how awful we are toward ourselves.  We should read the Bible and see what our maker has to say about who we are!  What kind of value we have and what sort of purpose we actually serve?  I think we would be surprised.  I know I was, and it's still something I struggle with because of those stupid tapes that were started from childhood.  Be careful what you listen to.  As a man thinketh, so is he........makes you think doesn't it?  Anyway, I have work tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.  Take care of each other and tune out those tapes.  Enter new data and become who you were meant to be.  With love, Patty

How have you been treating life?

Hello Everyone, how has life been treating you, or rather, how have you been treating the life you've been given?  Just for the record, I swear I did not just write that sentence....trust me.  I think that question was a direct question for me.  Don't you just hate that?

One of the things I'm learning by not being able to go out and work right now is that there are people out there who are missing me even though I am one strange cookie.  :-)  I got a message from a friend today that I work with.  She is one of the people that make my job so much fun.  She always has the best stories and she has this weird thing about always attracting these guys who are not what she's looking for.  But she tells them in such a way that it's hilarious.  I miss her, there's another gal that it doesn't seem to matter what she says, she just makes me laugh.  I think I give her a complex about it.  Anyway, if anyone from work happens to read this.  I miss you all.  But I'm trying to do the right thing here.  I've sat around and waited for things to change for too long and guess what, it doesn't happen on it's own.  I hate that too.  :-(

I have found that I want a life, I want to live it!  I'm not too old, I'm broken and a little scared.....okay, a lot scared but that doesn't mean that I can't rejoice over the little things I've been given.  It also doesn't mean that this is all there is.  This one room where my whole life consists of Netflix.  I've enjoyed it don't get me wrong, but I want relationships with people.....all kinds of people.  I want to learn from them and laugh with them and enjoy the moments they have to offer.  So far, that's not really happening because I'm not really letting it.  Hopefully after this first surgery, that will change.

Also, out of the blue, I discovered this musical artist that goes by the name Plumb.  She has this incredible voice and it's very haunting and it stays with you.  If you get a chance, make sure you youtube her or google her or something.  Amazing voice she has and her lyrics are something that makes you think.

So, I'm also really sucking in my prayer life.  I try to pray for my kids everyday and all my loved ones, but don't always get it done.  I try to ask the Lord to teach what it is He wants me to learn each particular day.  Today I've learned that people are precious.  Not a single person enters our life that doesn't leave their mark.  We are touched, sometimes in a good way and sometimes it's a time of trial.  Nevertheless, they touch us.  You have all touched me.  I noticed today that I had people from Russia reading my blog.  Welcome friends.  I hope you get something out of it.  I'm going to make a bigger effort to let the people I care about know that they mean something to me.  I hope you're doing the same.  Remember we aren't promised tomorrow.  Make sure your words are kind.  Until next time, please take care of yourself and be kind to others also, with love, Patty

What changes are necessary to make now???

Hello everyone, long time no hear, huh?  Sorry about that.  I've had some strange goings on.  I've missed a lot of work again.  But I think things are looking up, finally.  I went to see my Dr. today and he's going to get me set up to get a new knee which will probably turn into 2 new knees.  He also set me up with a pain management Dr.  So, finally I'm looking for solutions instead of waiting for the changes to happen on their own.  This seems to be one of the most difficult things for me to do.  As someone who likes things to stay the same and usually is not very spontaneous, I've proud of myself for making the necessary moves to finally find myself at least able to live with some of this pain I feel.

I will be going on short term disability though, that's going to hurt but I think I'll get over it.  My older son has a good job, my daughter is about to start her second quarter in college and my youngest son might have a really good paying job beginning the first week of February.  Pray for them please.

One of the problems I have spiritually is the age old question......is God really good?  If the answer is yes, does that apply to me?  I've decided that I'm stuck in a rut and the only way that I can think of to get out of it is to ask Him to show me what it is he's trying to teach me.  If I don't then it seems I'm doomed to keep repeating old mistakes until I learn this particular task He wants me to learn.  Does that make sense?  Sometimes I feel so disconnected from Him.  My instincts tell me that it's my fault not His.  But it feels like I'm alone in all this.  Isn't it a little sad that the one being that can help me the most is the one I feel so disconnected from?

So, I'm asking you all to say a little prayer for me, to help me take the next step and learn from it.  I need to be accountable to ask each day, what would you have me learn today Lord?  I've never failed to get some sort of answer it just irritates me when the answer is usually something I need to change or fix.  It's almost always something I'm not seeing correctly.

Anyway,  I'm trying to keep my head up and just an FYI, my cell phone is out until taxes come in.  Sorry, but I'm always available through the net.  Until next time, take care of each other and don't neglect yourself!  Much love, Patty

New Year Wishes

Happy New Year Everyone!  I pray this year finds you in great spirits, healthy bodies, good friends and loving families.  This has been a very hard year for me, for a lot of people I think.  It seems as though everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  But, I have nothing but hope for the new year.

Today, I got a new battery put in my car with a little help from friends who love me!  Thank you very much for your kindness.  Who would have guessed that Walmart would put in a car battery for free if you buy it there?  I was surprised!  I have sisters and nieces and nephews and children and extended family, some of whom I haven't even met, that I care about and that I love very much.  I'm very blessed.

I'm going to try to keep this short.  I just want to express my well wishes and give you all a little piece of something to chew on these next few days.  When an accident occurs....and is witnessed by several people.  Each person gives a different account of what they saw happen.  None of their stories are inaccurate, though they don't all tell the same story.  I know that I have been guilty in the past and will probably be guilty in the future of only seeing my story through my eyes.  I've found that's pretty typical.  I talked with a co-worker about a week or so ago telling him that I didn't think someone liked me because we just don't communicate well with each other.  It was kind of funny what he told me.  He said that said person has never been able to communicate with others, it's not personal.  He told me to keep at it and don't make presumptions.  Wise advice.  Of course, he's a therapist, so that's his job.  But he's right, there is always more than one side to every story.  This year, I pray that we all are open to hear other people.  To look at the bigger picture, to NOT always take things personal.  Sometimes, we react to things that maybe weren't even about us.  Like my situation with a coworker.  Try to see a situation through another's eyes, whether it be a cranky check out person or a waiter in a bad mood, or maybe someone cut you off in traffic.  We really don't know what that person is going through, so don't take it personal, say a little prayer for them and move along your day in a positive way.  Until next time, be kind to each other and yourself, with all my love, Patty

Just a little P.S.

Hi everyone, I got to tell you about this show I just caught on Netflix.  It's called the United States of Tara.  I don't think it's on the air anymore but OMG.  It was put out by Showtime so there's a lot of profanity but let me tell you the premise of the story line.  It starts out this woman is married with 2 kids, one is a pre-teen kind of nerdy boy and the other is a sexually active teenage girl.  The husband is John Corbett, who I love and he is normal but the mother has DID or Disassociative Identity Disorder, what used to be known as multiple personality disorder.  This is really pretty amusing how they put it together.  I only seen the one episode but if you're into that sort of thing.......check it out.

I love anything having to do with mental illness.  I work with people who are mentally ill and while I no longer work with them one on one like a therapist or a social worker, I do get the opportunity to interact with them and most of them live completely normal lives without any problems at all.  You'd never know they were sick if you met them on the street.  Anyway, it's near and dear to my heart and I guess I had to add this to my previous blog today.....love ya all, Patty

By the way, the second episode of that show.....not so good.  Sorry for the recommendation.  It kind of sucked.  :-)  Patty

New Years Eve Ponderings......

Hello everyone and Happy New Year's Eve to you!  I don't think I'm going anywhere tonight as my car needs a new battery.  Honestly, I really don't mind staying home.  Back in the day, we called this amateur night.  LOL.....now it seems that I'd be the amateur.  Oh well, the one thing you can count on never changing is that things will always change.  I've decided not to have any resolutions.  I never follow through and it just upsets me anyway.  I am however, looking forward to a new year, new beginning, new attitude, new seasons of shows I enjoy  :-)  Yeah, I have quite the life.

I'm also looking forward to my ladies group starting back up.  I've missed them all terribly.  It feels like forever.  I've counted on these women to help me keep perspective and keep me on track.  They love me, flaws and all and I love each of them.  We're still studying the "Sacred Romance" and believe it or not, we're only on chapter 5....I think.  It's been a while.  I think it's important to have some people in your life that you can show all your flaws to.  I tell these women how I really am feeling about my spiritual walk, and they understand and help me to realize I'm not all that far off the beaten path I'm meant to be on.

I guess if I'm going to have any resolution it's going to be to try and overcome this isolation thing I've got going.  I don't want to see it as a resolution though, it's more of a life change.  I'm hoping it goes along with me getting my own apartment this spring.  I know that changes are coming and I'm really looking forward to it but it's not going to be easy either.  Right now I have an aunt who kind of pushes me to participate in life.  I really don't allow her to but she does try.  I will miss her very much when I move out.  But I'm so thankful that she's been here for me.

I'm curious as to what the rest of you are planning on changing, send me a note and let me know, maybe you'll inspire me to really step up my game.  I DO know that I'm taking out most of the drama in my life.  I choose to say no.  I'm getting better at it but I don't always succeed.  Sometimes my mouth works without my mind knowing what it's doing.  It's like on autopilot.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Some things can't be changed no matter how much you wish them to be.  I'm also looking forward to watching the Nebraska Football game tomorrow.....Go Huskers!  Anyway, AMC is showing the Walking Dead marathon tonight and tomorrow night so I'll probably watch that tonight.  Until next time, take care of each other and be kind to yourself.  You're worth it!  With all my love, Patty

No regrets and things I enjoy

Hello everyone,  I have a few things to say.  There's been quite the backlash from an earlier post from people I care about.  I'm not going to explain.  Instead I'm going to tell you why when someone gets upset by something you say......you have the right to either own up to it, or run and hide.  I say what I have to say on this blog fairly regularly.  Anyone who reads this knows I haven't been the kindest to myself.  I've listed pretty much all of my flaws.....I've mentioned my drug years, jail time, stepping out on my husband, not always being a good role model, not always putting my children first, sleeping around, my struggles with my faith, my choosing to be by myself so much, my laziness, my regrets, I'm not sure what else, but I'm sure there is more.  In other words, I'm an open book.  I don't have anything to hide.  You have questions, just ask.  I won't hide.

On the other hand I stand by what I say.  This blog is like a personal diary that I'm willing to share with whoever wants to read it.  These are just my opinions based on the information I have been given or experienced.  In other words, if you don't like what I have to say, please don't read this.  I will not defend it again.  This is the one and only time I will bring this subject up.  There, enough said about that.

On to bigger and better subjects.  How about some of my favorite programs.  Yes, I've discovered Netflix.  I love that site.  Because of them, I've been able to watch some of my favorite shows from the beginning to the most recent from the previous season (if it's still on the air).  I got to tell you some of my favorites.  I've learned to love Being Human, both the US version and the first 3 seasons of the UK version.  They lost me on the 4th year.  I love the Vampire Diaries, who would have thought that I would grow so attached to characters on a program.  But, like a book, I find myself missing my characters and want to see them again, or reread the book.  I'm starting to watch Glee and Warehouse 13 and I watched all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy.  I've also watched some of the movies but basically, I'm really enjoying the TV shows.  It's probably not as good as having TIVO or whatever it is they have today. But for me, Netflix is perfect.  If anyone has any ideas of which shows are good to watch, let me know so I can check them out.  I tried watching Sons of Anarchy and to be honest, there was too much there that reminded me of who I used to be and that's not something I need to be reminded of on a regular basis.  The same reason why you won't get me to watch Breaking Bad.  Way too real for me.  Anyway, I guess I'm done for now.  

Just remember to stay true to yourself and who cares what other people think, but I would give everyone one bit of free advice, IF YOU DON'T WANT OTHERS TO JUDGE YOU BASED ON YOUR ACTIONS, DON'T DO THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE OTHERS FEEL NEGATIVELY TOWARD YOU!  Problem solved!  A lesson I learned the hard way!  To those of you who are still interested in what I have to say, stay tuned because it could be a bumpy ride.  LOL.  Until next time, take care of each other and be good to yourself, with much love, Patty