Good Morning Everyone,
As we begin a new day, I hope to also have a new attitude, a new and shiny bright outlook for this coming weekend. But, the carnival is in town. I don't do well with all the fanfare and noise. I'm thankful that I don't live right next to it like my sister does. It would be different if my children were still children, but they are adults now and no longer come to me for the $20 I don't have anymore so they can ride the rides and play the games. It's funny, I went to high school here and I don't remember the carnival at that age. I do remember riding the Ferris Wheel, the first time I got pregnant. That was not a wise choice. That ride scares the bejesus out of me.
When my kids were little, it was always a fun time. The parade was a highlight of the summer beginning. We would pack up some chairs and find a place to sit along the parade route and the kids would bag as much candy as they could. They didn't throw out as much candy back then as they do now. Kids today, literally need a bag to hold it all. My kids were okay with their pants pockets or my purse. Actually, I'm sure their dad handled that after the divorce. As he always had them on Saturdays, I had them on Fridays. Those poor kids, what a mess divorce causes for the kids. I wish once again that I knew then what I know now. So many things would have been different.
I still fight the same issues about myself that I fought then. I struggle with my self-esteem and have trust issues. The only difference being that now I don't try to control anymore. I have finally learned that I can't change anyone. Everyone is in charge of their own choices. I no longer fear what others choose, even if it's not me. That one lesson was the hardest for me to learn. Now I fear getting involved in another relationship. I fear that those same feelings of neediness will return. I have so many walls up when it comes to the thought of a romantic relationship. I don't think anyone is capable of scaling them. I have resigned myself to spending my remaining years alone. Most of the time, that doesn't bother me. Sometimes, it really does.
I'm open to friendship. I have learned over the years that it's not possible to love someone if you don't know them. If someone feels like they love someone but have not gotten to know them, then that is probably lust or fear of being alone. I am 50 years old. If I'm going to spend the rest of my years with someone, it better be with someone I like and enjoy being with. It sounds so simple doesn't it. It is actually, but you have to be patient. It takes time getting to know someone. Especially when you have no income and no vehicle. LOL.
My walls are not that large. I may have overstated that before. I'm open to what the Lord has in store for me. I know that if a relationship is to truly last, they are going to have to get to me through Him. He is the creator of love. If He approves, then who am I to deny that? I wouldn't even try. I'm done fighting, even with the Lord. His ways are slowly and I do mean slowly, becoming my destination.
Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses in Ephesians 4:22-24 "That, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." You got to love Ephesians. There are so many good verses to choose from.
Be wise, Be kind, Be true to yourself and others and everything will fall into place. Love, Patty
No comments:
Post a Comment