Honesty

Hello everyone,  I thought I'd take a moment to talk about honesty.  It's one of the most important things in my life right now.  I have said many times that I can handle any truth, but lying to me is like the kiss of death. I have a very difficult time ever believing you again.  Now, I know this isn't news to anyone.  Most of us feel the same way, but do you realize how many lies get told in any given day?  We lie to our loved ones to save face or to save them embarrassment.  We lie to protect our reputations so others don't feel badly about us or for us.  Lying has destroyed both of my marriages.  Not that I was innocent in either divorce, but I lied to myself in the first marriage thinking that what I needed would turn into what I wanted.  Judging by his infidelity, I didn't fool him much.  My second marriage, I lied to myself by convincing myself that he meant it when he said he loved me.  Deep down, I knew he didn't.  But I had just gotten out of jail and felt like I would never be loved again.  So, even though I knew he didn't really love me, but actually just needed someone with a car and a license to get him where he needed to go was what he loved about me.  Hence, that marriage lasted an amazing 3 years.....much longer than I expected.

What about when we lie to God?  Does that actually even happen?  Since God knows everything anyway, aren't we really lying to ourselves when we say that our relationship with the Lord is growing and I'm learning about such and such.  I can look back and see where He led me in those hurtful situations.  I literally see His hand in my life.....but that's in the past.  I didn't see it at the time, but in retrospect, I do see where His hands led me.  Where does honestly come into this situation you may ask?  Well, what if we don't feel fine?  What if we feel like we're out here on our own and that sometimes God seems too busy to be bothered by my situation?  My intellect tells me that some time down the road I'll look back on this time in my life and see where this too was a lesson I needed to learn and it will ultimately lead me closer to Him.  But to be honest, right now I feel alone.  Left to my own devices and now more than ever, I need to trust and believe that He loves me as much as I do my own children.  That the struggles I'm having right now matter to him, much like the struggles of my family matter to me.  But if He is like me, He buries His head in the sand and waits for the turmoil to end because it's just too hard to deal with.

I guess if I were honest, and I am.  I'm scared of what my future holds.  I'm scared for where me and my son will live.  I'm scared that physically I'll be unable to work.  I'm scared that I'm overburdened and will just break.  I'm scared that through this all, God will be too busy taking care of more important things than me.

You're probably thinking whine, whine, whine......other people got it a whole lot worse than you and I know that to be true.  But it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.  See, honesty.  I will end this blog with a prayer.

Lord, I know you're there and your Word says that you are love.  That love is your very nature.  I know that you made me in my mother's womb.  But I feel like I'm alone and left to my own devices.  I feel like I've let you down and you're unwilling to help me.  That I have to help myself.  But Lord, I am unable to help myself.  I need YOU to guide me, to give me your strength and to lift me up so I can find some joy...any joy, somewhere.  If you love me at all, please help.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I know there are others out there just like me.  Who struggle with these same type of feelings.  I do know that the only person you're really fooling is yourself.  I was encouraged tonight to pour out my heart.  To be as honest to God as I was to the people I was talking to.  I guess I thought I was, but I've been sugarcoating my prayer, when I actually pray.  My prayers feel fruitless, like I'm talking to a wall.  My encouragement to you tonight is to pour out your heart and let Him know how you really feel.  I know He can take it.  You'll feel better knowing you've done what you could.  You've told the God of the universe that you're unhappy with Him.  He knew you felt that way anyway.  I believe that honesty opens the door to true relationship.  Because no true relationship can exist where lies are being told...even to ourselves.  Sorry if my blogs lately have been a downer but I got to be who I am.  This is where I'm at.  Pray for me.  I'll pray for you.  Feel free to leave me a message on my gmail.  In the meantime, take care of each other and yourself, Love Patty