Hello everyone, how did your Thanksgiving go? Mine was nicer than I expected, but also lonely throughout the day. It made me really think hard about just what it is I want out of this life. Deep huh? I have been trying to fool everyone, especially me, that I'm content with what I have and that this is all okay. I'd say over the past 10 years, I've tried very hard to be upfront about where I stand on things and where I am spiritually and emotionally. I'm beginning to think it's all hogwash.
I also think the only one I've truly convinced is NO ONE. Anyone who knows me personally must be thinking, "methinks thou dost protest too much" when it comes to relationships. In my defense, I've been awful at relationships. Oh, I'd love to say it was all them, but in truth. I can see in retrospect, that I had a lot of growing up to do and a whole lot of learning ahead of me. In case you haven't noticed, I have trust issues. I have body image issues and abandonment issues. Gosh, those are the ones right off the top of my head.
:-) Lately, I've seen a lot of commercials for e-harmony and match.com or christianmingle and I think....hmmm.....what if? Then I'm led back to my spiritual roots that tell me if I'm meant to meet someone that God would make sure that I did. The question is, would I know it if it hit me upside my head?
I've spent the last 6 years or so, not dating, not looking, telling myself that I'm taking this time to learn about me and figure out what I need or want in a relationship. I'm beginning to think that I'm making way too much of this. I've had way too many walls up and been protecting myself way too much. So, I have a Christmas wish this year. It's not what you think, I'm not asking for a romantic relationship. What I would like is to be less afraid. I want to get out of my room more. Ignore the pain I'm in more, because sometimes that does help. I'm not saying run a marathon, but I do think that the reason I have no life is that I am unwilling to put myself out there for any reason. All I seem to have is work and this computer and netflix.
I want to enjoy what I DO have more. I have wonderful children whom I don't take the time to spend much time with. Yes, schedules come into play and their own significant others but there's more to life than this. I want to stop sleeping it away in this bedroom of mine. I'm not sure how to start. As soon as the christmas holiday is over and the new year is upon us. I want to start something like a pottery class or painting or a book club or a church group again or something, anything to make an effort at enjoying life again. I hope if any of you can relate that you'll join me in trying something new or trying again, something you used to enjoy. There IS more to life than this. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship but I do think that developing a good one is impossible with the way I've conducted my life over the past 6 years. I think I'm ready to live again. I'll take any suggestions you good folks out there may have. In the meantime, be good to each other, and yourself, Love, Patty
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