Today I received a note from someone I once cared about very deeply. In fact, this person was very instrumental in one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I dated him in high school. We haven't done a very good job keeping in touch considering at one point we were planning on marrying. We broke up under some very hard circumstances. Most of them I created. Here was this guy who said he loved me and wanted to marry me and I didn't believe him. We broke up, we got back together and finally we said good bye. It wasn't until years later that I looked him up, found him, had coffee and tried to find some sort of re-connection.....on a friendly basis. Have you ever done that? Felt lonely and thought maybe......maybe I stepped away from someone too soon?
It's funny, I had one of those moments when you see yourself as someone else. I remember thinking....why are you going backwards? Why aren't you moving ahead? There was a reason you stepped away. I guess I will never know if I made the right decision back then. I do know that I truly appreciated the encouragement he gave me today.
Do you ever sit back and wonder what in the hell am I doing? Is this some sort of failure I'm setting up? Could I really have handled last week at work? Unfortunately I'm going through a tremendous amount of personal stress and I probably should be talking to someone to help me keep perspective. Perspective is something I have alot of........for other people. I can look at someone's life and see pretty much what they need to do to fix it. Why can I not follow my own advice? I will say this though, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted and I do have a doctor's appt. on Monday to help. I believe I require one in order to go back since I lost all of last week at work. He's right about something he said. I love my job, why would I allow myself to lose it? He's right, I love my job but I don't want to lose it. I want to just be able to get up, go to work and not be totally and thoroughly exhausted. Is that asking too much? I can deal with the pain, even most stress, but the exhaustion is kicking my hind end. He also thinks I might be crying out for help. He's sort of right, I know that counseling would be beneficial to me but I need the exhaustion thing worked out first. I guess I sort of wish that posting these will lead others to email or comment on things that have helped them deal with fibromyalgia and the chronic fatigue that goes with it. I refuse to take medications that will make me gain weight. Yeah, that ought to help my situation. Ok, enough of my whining. I don't want this to be a whiny blog. I want to help others, hopefully my friend recognizes himself and sees that I am listening and attempting to follow his advice. Your opinion does matter. Thank you for saying I'm worth fighting for. Thanks for thinking I'm brave and I'm sorry I can't be stronger or smarter or have more faith in myself, or my Lord which would be the best help there is, but I'm here, I haven't given up. Tomorrow is a new day with a whole new perspective and a whole new topic. Please try to stay with me. Things do get better, I just happened to start this blog on literally one of the worst weeks I've had for a year and 1/2.
Until tomorrow, take care of each other, keep perspective and don't forget to take care of yourself. You're worth it. I'm worth it. :-)
Mom, I can't remember when this was, or where it happened, but I do remember tears streaming down the face while you cried out "You are worth it" to me. Maybe it was a dream, but this reminded me of it...thanks for the reminder mom! I love you!
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