I just had to share this picture of my grandson Paxton. Sunshine does actually come out of his arse, I've seen it. My topic today isn't actually about him but couldn't help myself this one time.
I had to put his picture up because starting out my day with his little face always makes me feel better and I'd rather feel better than complain about stuff I have no control over.
Ok, so as someone who has pretty much had to take care of herself most of her life, being out of "control" of financial decisions is just killing me. Not really, but I feel that way sometimes. Believe me when I say this year so far has been a real test of faith and losing control. I have to admit I have been a control freak most of my life. Just ask my ex-husband, my real ex-husband, not the one I was married to for 3 years. He doesn't count. I mean the father of my children. He was no saint believe me, but I was the most domineering, control freak, suspicious woman on the planet. Truly I was. It's no surprise he cheated because he certainly wasn't getting anything from me. But, on the other hand I do have an unusual amount of intuition that is at least 95% of the time correct. My last boyfriend will attest to the fact that I knew every time he was up to no good. Hence, why he is my ex-boyfriend. LOL. I laugh, but it's all so true and really pretty sad. It's difficult to be in a relationship that has no trust and the butterflies in your stomach are there because you sense wrongness in your life.
Waiting for the bomb to drop is no way to live. Actually if you look at the news at all, most of America is waiting for that to happen. The good news is that I read the book (Bible) and I know how it ends so the headlines don't scare me. I wouldn't trade that knowledge for all the money in the world.
Taking control of my life is such a fanciful notion that it's literally laughable. I am in no position to control anything. Even if it's handed to me. One of the things that's happened as a result of not having the reigns of control is that it terrifies me to take them back. If for some reason, I was to have to take charge of my life and all the decisions that are made I would probably experience panic attacks, at the very least. Every time I took control of my life, I screwed it up. But now, because I give up on control, I'm more at peace. I believe I said the other day that I could fall backwards and be caught. Or something along that line. I technically am not going to test that theory literally because if I was to just randomly fall backwards it would be kind of crazy. Don't you think so? Plus there's all this physical pain and such.....it's just not a good plan so I'll avoid that. ;-)
There is a silver lining in all this lacking of control. I don't have to worry about stuff. I don't have to do anything but pay taxes and eventually die. I don't have a problem with either of those things. Whatever happens between now and then is up to God. Every time in my life something awful occurred due to my mishandling of things, I see the redemption and why God allowed it to happen in the first place. I see His hand in all the good in my life. Every bump in the road He used to further my knowledge and understanding. He showed me His mark in my life at every bad choice I made. Isn't it easier to just let Him take the reigns? So today, I am choosing to lose control of my life. Instead I think I'll just ponder some of my blessings like the picture of the little guy I posted. To all of you out there who take the time to read my musings, consider letting go.....you'll be surprised where He'll take you. The journey will be justified in the end. Thank God! Be good to each other and yourself and don't forget, you're worth more than you imagine. Love, Patty
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