Hello Everyone,
I'd like to write about what everyone struggles with......themselves. The lies they've been told and believed. The way we belittle ourselves and think that's being humble. Have you found yourself saying to yourself, in your head......you idiot, why would you do that? Or perhaps, telling yourself, you can't do that because it's too hard or you're too fat or not smart enough or not good enough to be loved or not pretty enough or you deserve to be suffering? As someone who has thought all these thoughts and more, I'm here to tell you, it's lies, all lies.
I spent the better part of 50 years believing I deserve to be treated badly. It doesn't matter why I felt that way. My story is no more difficult than your own. We spend most of our lives depriving ourselves of the most fundamental needs of any person with a soul. As a person with a soul, I require LOVE, forgiveness, the ability to forgive others, an accurate self knowledge, the ability to trust others and to be trusted myself. And all that just scratches the surface. What about proper nutrition, not feel good food or drugs or alcohol? I spent the better part of my 50 years trying to avoid my own company. I used whatever it took to avoid me. I KNEW I was NOT someone worth dying for. When I see others who feel that way, it enrages me due to the injustice of it all.
I was really drunk one night and was fighting with my boyfriend and I decided since he wouldn't leave my place, that I would call "The Open Door Mission" and become homeless so I could straighten out my head. As it turned out, their phones automatically rang into a place called "The Spring Center" when after their own business hours. Somehow, beyond all understanding I happened to reach the Director of this center. We talked on the phone that early morning for 2 1/2 hours. She offered me a job and I took it. Keep in mind I was drunk when I called her and was preparing to become homeless. The Spring Center is no longer open due to a lack of funding but while it was open, it changed my life. I found out that the best way to heal myself of all the lies that broke me down was to help others see the truth for themselves. It was my job to show them the truth. Not in a biblical way, after all, they were government funded. It was my job to show them ways to gain self esteem and to help them see they were worth taking care of. I watched homeless turn their lives around and become leaders in their communities. That job changed me. I learned I was intelligent and because I had experienced most of what brought people to the Center in the first place, it made me uniquely qualified to see the brokenness that was inside.
I continued in the same sort of field of work until about a year ago, when it became physically impossible for me to continue to work. Was all of that serendipity? Luck? Spiritual? Yes, it was all of that and more. That time in my life prepared me for this 7 years of my reawakening. I KNOW how to be alone and not be lonely. Do you? Can I help? Take care of each other and yourself. You never know what might be the catalyst that changes your life. Love, Patty
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