Hello Everyone,
It's been decided that I'm a nester. I enjoy setting up house. My bedroom was recently moved to a larger room in the apartment and it was necessary for me to get my walls taken care of and all my pretty things displayed as soon as possible. Otherwise, it's just a room, not a place of rest and comfort. There's a difference. Especially to people like me, who have chronic pain. I don't know if I've let you all know my diagnosis' so if I have, please bear with me a moment while I complain.......sorry.
I have fibromyalgia, which is wide spread pain and fatigue along with about 98 other symptoms which can strike at any given moment. I also have degenerative disc disease which means that my back is basically falling apart at the spine. And, not to be forgotten, I also have Osteoarthritis and Depression. Believe me, you'd be depressed too is you dealt with pain so often. Today, is not a good day. It sucks to wake up in so much pain. Keeping perspective is not an easy thing to do when every nerve I have is firing off pain signals. My body craves sleep that I just woke up from. I've had my coffee, and my medications but it's like my body has shut off those receptors. It just doesn't listen to me or the things I do to take care of myself.
Personal situations also leave their mark on my physical body. Last night, my daughter and her fiancee' stopped over along with my son Isaac that I never get to see. It's ridiculous.....we live in the same small town and only a mile apart and I hardly ever get to see him. It should bring me peace knowing he can live without me but it doesn't. I realize I've done my job. I've raised a man and a good one at that. It's not like I had a rule book or instructions or even any prior knowledge of men being raised. I had no father, he died when I was very young, and I had no brothers. Any boyfriends or husbands I had weren't a whole lot of help when it comes to being normal. Sorry guys, nothing personal, but if you were with me, you probably weren't "whole" yourselves. My reasoning for bringing my son into this conversation is that I miss him. I miss him so much that when I get the opportunity to see him, I'm so exhausted from worrying that I'm literally sleepy. I NEED to see my children.
For the record, because I require honesty of others, I believe disclosure is needed here. When I was younger I had a son. I was 17 and had no idea what I was getting into. I did not have a firm foundation or a significant other to assist me. My family was not very understanding or helpful with my lack of parenting skills and as a result, he was adopted by a family member. That person, whom I love dearly, raised him with full knowledge of who I was in his life. In retrospect, I regret making that an issue. I should have left it alone for his sake, but I didn't and now I have biological grandchildren that live in another state that I have difficulty bonding with. I love them dearly, but I have had to close off that part of my heart because the alternative is too much to bear. I ALSO helped raise my first husband's son. I loved that little boy so much. He is so much like my own children. When his father and I divorced, I didn't expect to be able to have him in my life so I didn't provide a place for him to sleep. I will never forget the time he asked me where his bed was in my new apartment. I'll never forget the time my own son asked me if I was ready to be his mom yet. My relationship with my stepson was never the same. He has forgiven me but his children I've not met other than pictures and I regret not knowing the man he's become. For those of you who have suffered due to my decisions, I am so very very sorry.
Regrets, I've got a few. If that disclosure tells you any thing, it should tell you that I hold the 3 children I have very close to my heart. Having one son that lives 20 miles away is okay because I see him twice a week. My daughter lives very close and I'm so thankful for her presence in my daily life. My other son though, it's like he's never really required anyone. He's a quiet and extremely intelligent son who is making his way in the world and even though I don't get to see him very often I miss him like the desert misses water.
I apologize for the "too much information" or the TMI I've provided. I don't have a lot of secrets but if I can by disclosing my history with you, encourage one person then it's worth it. Hang in there, I would say. One of the things they teach you in counseling is to just "do the next right thing". This is what I'm attempting to do with my life. That statement gives me perspective. The past isn't mine to relive and the future is not something I can know so instead I will look at today as my present. Mainly because it's the truth.
Take care of yourself and PLEASE remember that the choices you make today can have long arms that extend a lot further then you anticipated. Mine certainly have. Until next time, I'm back in bed for the day. Love, Patty
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