I am NOT always HONEST

Hello Everyone,

You know I've been talking about trust, nurturing and expectations and to be honest with you. I know nothing about any of those things. Except for my own experiences. I HAD to look them up in the dictionary because I realized I didn't know what I was even talking about. I've been finding out that I am not always honest with you the reader. Not purposefully, but definitely by avoidance of how things really are.

I can tell you with all honesty that I sometimes go weeks without opening my Bible, sometimes I even forget to pray. But I usually remember when I want something or have a need. This happens a lot to me as a parent. I find that it's difficult to get my kids together for even a weekly dinner because they just don't need me like I need them. I'm so thankful for the time that they DO give me. It means a lot.

I find out in 2 more days what my next grandchild will be. I'm very excited about this but to be perfectly honest. I'm nervous too. My body sometimes just falls apart on me. I believe that my mother suffered from Fibromyalgia but was never diagnosed. She was in pain every day of her life....every single day. I feel like that person I'm describing is me. I did not take her pain seriously because it just seemed to me that if she would just get up and get her own sandwich maybe she would feel better. I had so much resentment because the dreaded phrase "while you're up, will you do..........". It got to the point where I would rather sit and hold out going to the bathroom, hoping one of my sisters would get up first. I don't know which is worse? Now that I'm the grandma, it scares me that I'm not going to be able to truly enjoy my grandchildren as much as I should. I want to be there for everything. But, I also want my bed more often than not. I have chronic pain and it is very stressful. I want to be active, yet when I am, I pay for it in pain.

Everyone looks back on the things of the past with a biased viewpoint. We can't help it. We don't see all sides of any given event. Only what WE experience or see. But what we experience or see is sometimes not the truth. There are just times when I need to come clean and let you know that I too struggle with trying to do what's right. Sometimes knowing what's right isn't always as clear as it should be. Sometimes being honest gets you kicked in the teeth (so to speak). There's a lot of people out there who have so much need that in order to survive they feel they have to humble themselves or act in ways they would not otherwise not do. Being poor sometimes makes a person do things they wouldn't otherwise do. So, just do the best you can and when you remember, talk to your mom if she's still there for you. Your father too, nobody should be left behind. Most of all, try to remember the Lord, even if you don't have a need. They say everytime you point a finger at someone, there are 4 more pointing back at yourself. Well 3, the thumb is not always in that direction. Until next time, take care of each other and don't forget yourself.......and be honest, even if it hurts.

Love, Patty