Just a little P.S.

Hi everyone, I got to tell you about this show I just caught on Netflix.  It's called the United States of Tara.  I don't think it's on the air anymore but OMG.  It was put out by Showtime so there's a lot of profanity but let me tell you the premise of the story line.  It starts out this woman is married with 2 kids, one is a pre-teen kind of nerdy boy and the other is a sexually active teenage girl.  The husband is John Corbett, who I love and he is normal but the mother has DID or Disassociative Identity Disorder, what used to be known as multiple personality disorder.  This is really pretty amusing how they put it together.  I only seen the one episode but if you're into that sort of thing.......check it out.

I love anything having to do with mental illness.  I work with people who are mentally ill and while I no longer work with them one on one like a therapist or a social worker, I do get the opportunity to interact with them and most of them live completely normal lives without any problems at all.  You'd never know they were sick if you met them on the street.  Anyway, it's near and dear to my heart and I guess I had to add this to my previous blog today.....love ya all, Patty

By the way, the second episode of that show.....not so good.  Sorry for the recommendation.  It kind of sucked.  :-)  Patty

New Years Eve Ponderings......

Hello everyone and Happy New Year's Eve to you!  I don't think I'm going anywhere tonight as my car needs a new battery.  Honestly, I really don't mind staying home.  Back in the day, we called this amateur night.  LOL.....now it seems that I'd be the amateur.  Oh well, the one thing you can count on never changing is that things will always change.  I've decided not to have any resolutions.  I never follow through and it just upsets me anyway.  I am however, looking forward to a new year, new beginning, new attitude, new seasons of shows I enjoy  :-)  Yeah, I have quite the life.

I'm also looking forward to my ladies group starting back up.  I've missed them all terribly.  It feels like forever.  I've counted on these women to help me keep perspective and keep me on track.  They love me, flaws and all and I love each of them.  We're still studying the "Sacred Romance" and believe it or not, we're only on chapter 5....I think.  It's been a while.  I think it's important to have some people in your life that you can show all your flaws to.  I tell these women how I really am feeling about my spiritual walk, and they understand and help me to realize I'm not all that far off the beaten path I'm meant to be on.

I guess if I'm going to have any resolution it's going to be to try and overcome this isolation thing I've got going.  I don't want to see it as a resolution though, it's more of a life change.  I'm hoping it goes along with me getting my own apartment this spring.  I know that changes are coming and I'm really looking forward to it but it's not going to be easy either.  Right now I have an aunt who kind of pushes me to participate in life.  I really don't allow her to but she does try.  I will miss her very much when I move out.  But I'm so thankful that she's been here for me.

I'm curious as to what the rest of you are planning on changing, send me a note and let me know, maybe you'll inspire me to really step up my game.  I DO know that I'm taking out most of the drama in my life.  I choose to say no.  I'm getting better at it but I don't always succeed.  Sometimes my mouth works without my mind knowing what it's doing.  It's like on autopilot.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Some things can't be changed no matter how much you wish them to be.  I'm also looking forward to watching the Nebraska Football game tomorrow.....Go Huskers!  Anyway, AMC is showing the Walking Dead marathon tonight and tomorrow night so I'll probably watch that tonight.  Until next time, take care of each other and be kind to yourself.  You're worth it!  With all my love, Patty

No regrets and things I enjoy

Hello everyone,  I have a few things to say.  There's been quite the backlash from an earlier post from people I care about.  I'm not going to explain.  Instead I'm going to tell you why when someone gets upset by something you say......you have the right to either own up to it, or run and hide.  I say what I have to say on this blog fairly regularly.  Anyone who reads this knows I haven't been the kindest to myself.  I've listed pretty much all of my flaws.....I've mentioned my drug years, jail time, stepping out on my husband, not always being a good role model, not always putting my children first, sleeping around, my struggles with my faith, my choosing to be by myself so much, my laziness, my regrets, I'm not sure what else, but I'm sure there is more.  In other words, I'm an open book.  I don't have anything to hide.  You have questions, just ask.  I won't hide.

On the other hand I stand by what I say.  This blog is like a personal diary that I'm willing to share with whoever wants to read it.  These are just my opinions based on the information I have been given or experienced.  In other words, if you don't like what I have to say, please don't read this.  I will not defend it again.  This is the one and only time I will bring this subject up.  There, enough said about that.

On to bigger and better subjects.  How about some of my favorite programs.  Yes, I've discovered Netflix.  I love that site.  Because of them, I've been able to watch some of my favorite shows from the beginning to the most recent from the previous season (if it's still on the air).  I got to tell you some of my favorites.  I've learned to love Being Human, both the US version and the first 3 seasons of the UK version.  They lost me on the 4th year.  I love the Vampire Diaries, who would have thought that I would grow so attached to characters on a program.  But, like a book, I find myself missing my characters and want to see them again, or reread the book.  I'm starting to watch Glee and Warehouse 13 and I watched all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy.  I've also watched some of the movies but basically, I'm really enjoying the TV shows.  It's probably not as good as having TIVO or whatever it is they have today. But for me, Netflix is perfect.  If anyone has any ideas of which shows are good to watch, let me know so I can check them out.  I tried watching Sons of Anarchy and to be honest, there was too much there that reminded me of who I used to be and that's not something I need to be reminded of on a regular basis.  The same reason why you won't get me to watch Breaking Bad.  Way too real for me.  Anyway, I guess I'm done for now.  

Just remember to stay true to yourself and who cares what other people think, but I would give everyone one bit of free advice, IF YOU DON'T WANT OTHERS TO JUDGE YOU BASED ON YOUR ACTIONS, DON'T DO THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE OTHERS FEEL NEGATIVELY TOWARD YOU!  Problem solved!  A lesson I learned the hard way!  To those of you who are still interested in what I have to say, stay tuned because it could be a bumpy ride.  LOL.  Until next time, take care of each other and be good to yourself, with much love, Patty 

Lifes Blessing

Well everyone it's back to work time and I have to say it's been a humbling day.  I met a man who is literally at rock bottom.  He just received a 3 day eviction notice, has no income, no one to help him as far as supportive family and no food or phone services.  The good news is he has been clean and sober for over 2 years.  I had the priviledge of reminding him that the only way to go is up.  I also gave him resources to help with his rent, medications and food pantries and he sat here for a couple of hours making phone calls on my phone.  He had such a wonderful attitude!  I'm not going to mention any names but say a prayer for this man as he reaches upward. 

It's times like those that remind me that my illness isn't that bad to handle, although some days I would argue that.  I DO have a place to live and food in my belly and a job.  I have children who love me and are very supportive.  They all make me very proud.  I have sisters that love me and friends I can turn to if things get rough.  I am truly blessed!

If anyone out there is in need of resources, I can't provide what you need but I can probably send you in the right direction.  I just feel blessed and wanted to share my positive experience this time.  Take care of yourselves and each other, with much love, Patty

Merry Christmas

Since my last blog was kind of a downer I wanted to set a new tone for this most important of holidays!  This won't take long, but don't forget everyone that presents are not what make up this particular holiday.  We celebrate today because a Savior was born on this day.  Because of His birth, we now have redemption and a straight hook up line to the Top Dog.....The Almighty God!  Jesus is our advocate, who stands in the gab constantly making intercession on our behalf.  Don't forget that the enemy also has an audience with God.......don't believe me???  Check out Job!  We have an accuser that likes to point out every mistake we make but Glory be to God that because of His great love for us, He gave us His son Jesus!  Some how or another we have turned this wonderful holiday into a month long (for some a lot longer) source of some of the worst stress we encounter over a years time.  Why?  It's supposed to be a celebration not a time of mourning our bank accounts.  Oh, and yes, I'm guilty of this myself.  Most of us are.  Later today, I want to make it a point to see some of my family and not give presents, but instead my presence and invite the One whose birthday we're celebrating!  Have a Happy Christmas and relax and enjoy!  All my love, Patty

What's all the fuss about anyway??

Well hello friends and family and the rest of the world.  I wasn't sure if I actually had anything of substance to say today, but hey, that's never stopped me before from speaking what's on my mind. LOL.  I'm realizing that there is a benefit to getting older.  I'm watching on facebook, and Yahoo and the paper and the news and generally seeing what other people hold dear to them.  You know, what they're willing to go to prison for, die for, lie about, protect others from and themselves.  Most of the time it's heartbreaking.  You read about someone texting while driving and as a result someone is killed.  It makes you wonder if in the grand scheme of things, was that text so important?  I have found myself guilty of it.  I was lucky, but stupid.  But none of that really is what I want to say.

I'm realizing that I have many things to be thankful for.  People I love are struggling financially, emotionally, physically but what I keep learning from them is that they're not giving up on their faith.  Oh, everybody hits their hills and valleys, but how do you keep them from consuming every waking moment?  Sometimes, you simply can't.  With Christmas literally right around the corner.  I feel the familiar stress to make it good for my children, who are all adults.  Why do I put so much emphasis on what is not important?  Right now, all my kids are being taken care of.  None of them are hungry or without their daily needs met.  They may not have it all together, but I can honestly say that they're all planning and working toward their future.  What more can a mother do?

I'm keeping this short and simple tonight because I really got to go to bed.  But I want you all to consider getting back to the reason for the season.  I'm talking about Jesus' birthday.  Our savior was born and this is what we are celebrating.  We have someone who stands in the gap and constantly makes intercession on our behalf, every time we pray.  I find myself forgetting about Him as I go on through my day and then later wonder, where were You, Lord?  Why do I feel so alone?  You know he's saying....right here waiting for you?  Are you ready to spend some time with me?  I can make you feel better, and HE does, HE always does.  I usually walk away wondering why I tend to put off the one person who can help?  Is that something any of the rest of you struggle with?  Please try to take away the pressures to buy all the right gifts or going into debt or being the perfect hostess, or God forbid.....doing it all, all by yourself.  In the middle of your struggles, take a moment and thank the reason for the season and ask for His help.  I'm betting if the emphasis is put in the right place, everything else will fall into place.

Please take care of each other and don't neglect yourself.  Til next time......Love, Patty.  Oh, also look at parade.com/santa to see if you're post office participates in the program that tries to answer the letters that get sent to Santa each year.  There is a group that's been around for 100 years  that try to make some of those Christmas wishes come true.  I just read that today and was truly blessed.  If you have it, give it.  I'm sure you'll be blessed for it.  Love you all!!

Relationships 101

Hi, I know it's been awhile but I've had a bit of writer's block.  I guess I don't always have much to say in Omaha..  :-)  Anyway, I was talking to some people recently.  Actually, I've talked to quite a few people recently who are having a difficult time with NOT being in a relationship.  I'm not talking about teenagers.  I'm talking about people ranging in age from early 20's to early 60's.  So many people go into a form of panic at the thought of being "alone".  I can understand as I was brought up to believe that a person should try their best to be independent because a man is not someone you can count on to always be there. Even though, I was taught that that "keeping a man" is the ultimate goal, or should be for any woman.  Boy did I miss the boat on that one.  I think what surprises me the most is that it's not just women who are struggling with this concept, but quite a few men are too.  People are being convinced early on that they need to find someone to complete their lives.  I think it's hogwash.  Although to be honest, It's not like I wouldn't like someone in my life, but I believe that........wait for it......it'll be worth it.......you will never attract someone who is more emotionally stable then you currently are, unless it's for your looks.  In which case, you don't want that person anyway.  I truly don't want someone as messed up as I am right now......so it stands to reason, that while testing the waters would be okay, I'd probably be wasting someone's time.  Also, I believe that if someone is meant to be......it will be.  Be patient and continue to be the best you can be...for your own sake or for the sake of your family or maybe you're divorced like I am (twice now) and are trying really hard not to make the same mistakes over and over expecting different results.

So I believe an important question to ask yourself before you decide to let others know your interested in dating is.  How ready are you?  Really?  Not, how much do you want it, but how ready are you?  Do you know what you even want in a relationship?  Can you at least pick out what you don't want?  Are you attracted to a certain type of person?  Is there a reason why, I'm betting there is?  Have you ever asked yourself why this type of person attracts you?  It might be important to know?  Seriously, just this week, I heard someone say......"I can change him"......now this gal was jesting, but it drives home what I'm talking about.   I work around a lot of solid, educated, mostly married people and I got to tell you, sometimes it's a very attractive thought, to have someone to be there through the thick and the thin.  I'd love to have someone who makes it worth my time to want to look my best on occasion.  As it is, I tend to throw the worse and if they can handle that......then there's hope.  HAHA....I'm sort of joking, but not really.  As an honest person I try to be myself, even if I get looked at funny....and believe me.....I DO!!!

My advice to anyone reading this, if you're married, or in a committed relationship, give your relationship the same consideration you gave it when you were dating, listen to each other and be their friend or things get mundane and boring.  Find something to complement your special person with each day.  It's the simple things that make all the difference in the world.  Be the kind of friend to your significant other that you want out of a friend.  It doesn't fix everything, but I'm willing to bet, that things get better.

For all of you out there who are single????  Relax, be yourself, be a friend, make sure that you're emotionally ready to meet someone and be open to who God brings your way.  As I told someone recently, anyone can turn someone's eye, but if you can attract someone who didn't pick you first, but after chatting with you for an evening is suddenly...into you....then you have a nice foundation to work on.  Looks fade, sex becomes less and less important and what you're left with is......do you like the person you're with?

Until next time, take care of each other and don't neglect yourself.  Be patient and it's okay to wait for what you really want.  Love you all, Patty

Jump starting the Heart

Hello everyone, how did your Thanksgiving go?  Mine was nicer than I expected, but also lonely throughout the day.  It made me really think hard about just what it is I want out of this life.  Deep huh?  I have been trying to fool everyone, especially me, that I'm content with what I have and that this is all okay.  I'd say over the past 10 years, I've tried very hard to be upfront about where I stand on things and where I am spiritually and emotionally.  I'm beginning to think it's all hogwash.

I also think the only one I've truly convinced is NO ONE.  Anyone who knows me personally must be thinking, "methinks thou dost protest too much" when it comes to relationships.  In my defense, I've been awful at relationships.  Oh, I'd love to say it was all them, but in truth.  I can see in retrospect, that I had a lot of growing up to do and a whole lot of learning ahead of me.  In case you haven't noticed, I have trust issues.  I have body image issues and abandonment issues.  Gosh, those are the ones right off the top of my head.
:-)  Lately, I've seen a lot of commercials for e-harmony and match.com or christianmingle and I think....hmmm.....what if?  Then I'm led back to my spiritual roots that tell me if I'm meant to meet someone that God would make sure that I did.  The question is, would I know it if it hit me upside my head?

I've spent the last 6 years or so, not dating, not looking, telling myself that I'm taking this time to learn about me and figure out what I need or want in a relationship.  I'm beginning to think that I'm making way too much of this.  I've had way too many walls up and been protecting myself way too much.  So, I have a Christmas wish this year.  It's not what you think, I'm not asking for a romantic relationship.  What I would like is to be less afraid.  I want to get out of my room more.  Ignore the pain I'm in more, because sometimes that does help.  I'm not saying run a marathon, but I do think that the reason I have no life is that I am unwilling to put myself out there for any reason.  All I seem to have is work and this computer and netflix.

I want to enjoy what I DO have more.  I have wonderful children whom I don't take the time to spend much time with.  Yes, schedules come into play and their own significant others but there's more to life than this.  I want to stop sleeping it away in this bedroom of mine.  I'm not sure how to start.  As soon as the christmas holiday is over and the new year is upon us.  I want to start something like a pottery class or painting or a book club or a church group again or something, anything to make an effort at enjoying life again.  I hope if any of you can relate that you'll join me in trying something new or trying again, something you used to enjoy.  There IS more to life than this.  It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship but I do think that developing a good one is impossible with the way I've conducted my life over the past 6 years.  I think I'm ready to live again.  I'll take any suggestions you good folks out there may have.  In the meantime, be good to each other, and yourself, Love, Patty

My Thanksgiving Confession

Since I believe honesty to be the best policy.  I thought I'd share an interesting story that happened over the past few days.  As many of you know, I was out of work for a week again and when I came back to work, I realized my time-sheet had not been turned in.  So, I'm royally screwed.  As someone who lives paycheck to paycheck and is trying to help support a 19 y/o son who is job searching, it can be very tight financially.  So, an entire month without one, with only a few days warning, just days before thanksgiving was not a good situation.  I simply don't have the money to serve a big dinner this year.  (secretly, I'm kind of relieved because it's hard work, when you're doing it alone).  

So, anyway, I go back to work this past Monday and I'm feeling kind of badly because I know I'm letting  some people down and it is difficult because there isn't anyone else who is trained to do my job.  It makes me feel guilty even though I know there's nothing I could have done differently at the time.  So, I go into work on Monday and the very first email I get is announcing the death of a coworker.  She worked at another office and it's not like we were friends or anything, but we'd share a meal a couple of times and she was a nice woman and to my chagrin, I had no idea she was sick.  So, it saddened me.  Then I get a text from my daughter telling my that my older son who's 24 and has been with his girlfriend for like 5 years or more probably won't respond to my texts as he has other things on his mind, so don't be offended.  My immediate question is.......is he upset with me?  I'm just trying to make sure they have plans for thanksgiving because I'm only doing pies...desserts only this year.  Then I'm informed that my son's girlfriend's mother suddenly passed away.  She was a friend in high school.  It's not like we hung out or anything, but I considered her a friend and we had mutual friends and would often talk about our situations.  She was one of those friends that wasn't high maintenance.  She didn't require a phone call to know we were friends.  Did I mention she's my age?  Only 48.....and there was no warning at all.  So, after finding out about the 2 deaths and having to wait a month between paychecks was not starting out my Monday very well.  I was a little teary and feeling a little sorry for myself.  

Then a coworker who's been on maternity leave comes back to work that day....me, thinking this was her second week back.....asks how it's going and she bursts into tears, so now we're both crying and of course I give her my sad story and I listen to her fears of leaving her baby for the first day.   It wasn't a good day.  I decide I'm not very thankful this year so why celebrate anyway.  Then as I'm driving to work on Tuesday, I'm listening to KGBI, a christian music radio station and the guest speaker, Jill I think is her name, starts talking about how we are called to be thankful in all things.  I was convicted.  Here I am working and working with people who are homeless and have far worse problems than me and I realized I had to be honest with God.  So, I tell Him, you know Lord, I'm not very thankful right now and I know I should be but to say I am would be lying.  So, help me to be thankful Lord in my situation, just as it is and take my fear away.  Help me to trust You to meet my needs.  In Jesus' name, Amen.  That's about all I had at that time.

I go to work today.  I have approximately 50 dollars in my account and I have an empty gas tank and no pies yet and decide that panicking is just pointless anyway.  Relax, do your job and no crying today.  Well the boss that I thought was upset with me was suddenly very nice, like all was okay and nothing was wrong. That made me feel better.  Pretty soon, my coworker comes in with this envelope and hands it to me.  I had a feeling what she'd done and I thanked her but said since I was not going to cry today, if it wouldn't offend her, I'd like to open it in private, like after work or something.  She understood completely.  In the envelope was a check for $100.00 with a note telling me it was a gift and something she just felt compelled to do since she had been given so much lately and this was her way of trying to "pay it forward".  Of course, I fought back tears.  Lost.  I bought the pies my kids had requested and what had once been a free for all as far as what time anyone was going to show up, if they showed up suddenly became a plan.  Thanksgiving evening, my 3 children will be here with me having the pies they requested and I guarantee that there will be a sense of peace that has eluded me for quite some time.  I feel thankful that someone went out of their way to help me.  I feel blessed.  I feel like my prayer was answered and my unhappiness was important enough to my Creator to make sure I received some help.  I don't know what your need is today, but the lesson I learned (once again and probably not the last time I'll need it) is that I have not, because I ask not.  Ask, Seek, Knock....He is there waiting to help.  Until next time, enjoy your holiday and if you happen to be with family, try to enjoy them too.  Be kind to others and yourself, Love Patty

Honesty

Hello everyone,  I thought I'd take a moment to talk about honesty.  It's one of the most important things in my life right now.  I have said many times that I can handle any truth, but lying to me is like the kiss of death. I have a very difficult time ever believing you again.  Now, I know this isn't news to anyone.  Most of us feel the same way, but do you realize how many lies get told in any given day?  We lie to our loved ones to save face or to save them embarrassment.  We lie to protect our reputations so others don't feel badly about us or for us.  Lying has destroyed both of my marriages.  Not that I was innocent in either divorce, but I lied to myself in the first marriage thinking that what I needed would turn into what I wanted.  Judging by his infidelity, I didn't fool him much.  My second marriage, I lied to myself by convincing myself that he meant it when he said he loved me.  Deep down, I knew he didn't.  But I had just gotten out of jail and felt like I would never be loved again.  So, even though I knew he didn't really love me, but actually just needed someone with a car and a license to get him where he needed to go was what he loved about me.  Hence, that marriage lasted an amazing 3 years.....much longer than I expected.

What about when we lie to God?  Does that actually even happen?  Since God knows everything anyway, aren't we really lying to ourselves when we say that our relationship with the Lord is growing and I'm learning about such and such.  I can look back and see where He led me in those hurtful situations.  I literally see His hand in my life.....but that's in the past.  I didn't see it at the time, but in retrospect, I do see where His hands led me.  Where does honestly come into this situation you may ask?  Well, what if we don't feel fine?  What if we feel like we're out here on our own and that sometimes God seems too busy to be bothered by my situation?  My intellect tells me that some time down the road I'll look back on this time in my life and see where this too was a lesson I needed to learn and it will ultimately lead me closer to Him.  But to be honest, right now I feel alone.  Left to my own devices and now more than ever, I need to trust and believe that He loves me as much as I do my own children.  That the struggles I'm having right now matter to him, much like the struggles of my family matter to me.  But if He is like me, He buries His head in the sand and waits for the turmoil to end because it's just too hard to deal with.

I guess if I were honest, and I am.  I'm scared of what my future holds.  I'm scared for where me and my son will live.  I'm scared that physically I'll be unable to work.  I'm scared that I'm overburdened and will just break.  I'm scared that through this all, God will be too busy taking care of more important things than me.

You're probably thinking whine, whine, whine......other people got it a whole lot worse than you and I know that to be true.  But it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.  See, honesty.  I will end this blog with a prayer.

Lord, I know you're there and your Word says that you are love.  That love is your very nature.  I know that you made me in my mother's womb.  But I feel like I'm alone and left to my own devices.  I feel like I've let you down and you're unwilling to help me.  That I have to help myself.  But Lord, I am unable to help myself.  I need YOU to guide me, to give me your strength and to lift me up so I can find some joy...any joy, somewhere.  If you love me at all, please help.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I know there are others out there just like me.  Who struggle with these same type of feelings.  I do know that the only person you're really fooling is yourself.  I was encouraged tonight to pour out my heart.  To be as honest to God as I was to the people I was talking to.  I guess I thought I was, but I've been sugarcoating my prayer, when I actually pray.  My prayers feel fruitless, like I'm talking to a wall.  My encouragement to you tonight is to pour out your heart and let Him know how you really feel.  I know He can take it.  You'll feel better knowing you've done what you could.  You've told the God of the universe that you're unhappy with Him.  He knew you felt that way anyway.  I believe that honesty opens the door to true relationship.  Because no true relationship can exist where lies are being told...even to ourselves.  Sorry if my blogs lately have been a downer but I got to be who I am.  This is where I'm at.  Pray for me.  I'll pray for you.  Feel free to leave me a message on my gmail.  In the meantime, take care of each other and yourself, Love Patty

Things are tough all over

Do you have Fibromyalgia?  For those of us who do, let me tell you, there are several things you should know.
1.  I cannot just snap out of it, put my best foot forward and just do it.
2.  You have no idea what kind of pain I'm experiencing.  If you did, you would know that previous statement is offensive.
3.  I DO know there are others out there with lives worse than mine.  However, I don't live their lives.  I live mine and some days it's extremely difficult.

Fibromyalgia takes so much out of a person.  I have found that you can explain and explain til your blue in the face and guess what....no one hears you.  I am seen as lazy, depressed (which is true by the way) and all I need to do is snap out of it.  When fibro is in control....all my nerves are in high gear.  This explains why when I do go to the dentist, it is soooo painful.  Sometimes sounds can trigger an attack or smells or let me think....STRESS by some chance????

When you are a single woman trying to make your own way in this world do you really think I don't know that missing 3 UNPAID days of work in a paycheck is in my best interest?  Do you really think I need to be told this?  Do you really think I'm planning on some miracle?  That I'm not worried about Christmas coming and not having gifts for my kids or the ladies at Bible study?

I worry, I worry alot.  I have many things to worry about.  Fibromyalgia is one of the most misunderstood diagnosis' out there.  Those who don't have it, have a hard time believing we REALLY are experiencing this pain, this complete exhaustion, this debilitating depression.

I've been told not to try to make people understand because unless they have it, they won't get it.  I'm seen as week minded and unable to just snap out of things.  That's not me.  I beat drugs, poverty, things you only read about.  But this disease is kicking my behind.  I guess I just needed to sound off a little bit.  If you have a loved one who has this disease and maybe you're tired of hearing about it.  Give it a rest and do yourself a favor.  Read up on it.  Educate yourself on the symptoms and what can happen to a person experiencing them.  In the mean time, take care of each other and yourself.  I have to go to bed early because I NEED to go to work tomorrow even though, every fiber of my being is in pain.  Til next time, love Patty

Freedom can be found in a cage.

It is so hard to keep perspective.   I was talking with someone the other night and they asked me how I felt about something.  What difference does that make??  Seriously?  My feelings are not the truth!  I may feel like my head is killing me, but I KNOW that's not true, it's just how I feel when I have a headache or a migraine.  I have times when I feel lonely but there are others around me.  My point is, just because you feel something, doesn't mean it's true.  That puts a monkey wrench in things.  Especially if this is a new concept for you.  

I've heard the statement that "Happiness is a choice", a decision, something anyone can have regardless of what's going on.  Books have been written on the subject, endless books.  I do believe that statement.  I may not act like I believe it a lot of the times, but I do believe that I can be happy regardless of my circumstances.

In fact, I was telling my aunt the other night that one of the most peaceful times in my life was the 4 months I spent in jail back in 2000.  What I was there for is a whole other blog.  ;-)  My life was in shambles, believe me.  One of my younger sisters died the day before I was supposed to turn myself in.  She died of cancer.  She was only 32 and she left behind 2 young boys.  Two months later, sitting in county jail, my best friend died suddenly.  I had no idea he was even sick.   Everything was out of my control.  I couldn't choose my meals or my clothes or go anywhere or fix anything.  I couldn't console anyone.  The only thing I could control was my response to my situation.  I didn't worry about anything because there was not a single thing I could do to change anything.  That was FREEDOM!!!!

I sometimes get caught up in my feelings.  There are times when I linger on thoughts that are not helpful for anyone.  My physical pain can sometimes turn my perspective completely upside down and I'm left with these very depressed feelings.  The choices I've made in the past sometimes haunt me and bring me down.  It's really hard to keep perspective when these things occur.  I just have to remember that it's difficult to be sad when your dancing or singing along to the radio or helping someone who is really thankful for your help.  So try to keep perspective and ask yourself........is the way I'm feeling....the truth?  Does it have to be this way?  Is there something I can do to see things clearer?  In the end, when I'm no longer on this earth, will this situation be of any importance?  Now that's perspective!

Until next time, take care of each other, and yourself.  And don't allow yourself to believe what isn't truth.

with love, Patty

Very little to do with the election, YAY!!

Hello everyone, with this being the evening before all the choas of the election.  And a sorry state of affairs that's been.  I thought I'd give you the opportunity to choose something entirely different.  Since, it's Monday, and I've had a busy day with lots of things to get accomplished, I thought I'd write about something easy.  In other words, something I've already done......years ago.  I don't present these poems to you because I'm looking for words of encouragement to continue with that sort of thing.  I haven't written poems in about 12 years.  They're older thoughts that just happen to still be relevant today.  These poems were actually a group of about 10 or so that was part of an assignment in English Comp I in college.  I wrote the poems and then wrote some sort of explanation as to what I was feeling when I wrote them and what they generally meant to me.  The funny part about it is, I received a B on the overall paper along with a note that said he enjoyed the explanations better than the poems themselves.  So, they're not "all that", but I like them and they did mean something to me then, just as they do now.  I hope they have something in them you can relate to.  If you'd like, leave a comment and tell me which one if either spoke to you.

Rain

The rain streamed down along my face.

Like a friend who betrayed, though no promises were made.

Each drop a reminder of tears already shed.

And the splash of the puddles are where my heart bled.

The drops are a mask of all our hidden pain.

And no one has to know the truth behind the rain.

Rain's Redemption

The sweet assurance of a rains soft whisper,

Enchants me with its simple and quiet nature.

As the rhythm lures me to dance with each drop,

It cleanses the scents of the dreams I'd forgot.

Each drop of moisture quenches my thirsty soul,

Like it softens the petals of a once dying rose.

The poems seem to be the same, but are two entirely different perspectives.  Two sides of possibly one story.  Did one in particular speak to you?  Tell me about it, I'd really love to hear.  In the spirit of these lousy commercials we've heard over the past year............My name is Patty and I approve this message.  Until next time, take care of each other and yourself.  Love, Patty

Fairness

Do you remember being told as a child to be fair?  Play fair, share what you have, that sort of thing?  Well I do.  We as children, shared everything and we were told to be fair to each other.  No playing favorites or anything.  If one got something, then everyone got something.  That was the rules for kids.  Of course there were others but this particular day it strikes me that we've been taught wrong.  There is no fairness.  If you're fair to others, that doesn't mean that others will be fair to you.  It just means that you're a fair person.  You've been taught well.  Not everyone got the same rule book!

Being fair, kind and forgiving is something we strive for.  But never should these be expectations.  I believe this to be fundamental in most people's inner most being.  This whole idea that if I'm nice to you, then you have to be nice to me.  If you don't, you're not being fair.  We don't always receive back what we give, or what we deserve.  Thank God!!  We may think we've been fair, but I'm guessing that most of us have messed this up somewhere along the line.

Yesterday a friend died.  We weren't close, never got the chance I guess.  I feel that to be an opportunity I missed out on.  She was a lot of fun.  This home church we met at has this basket full of different types of percussion and other small instruments from literally around the world.  During our praise and worship time, you can bet she had something or other in her hand, making music for the Lord.  She was inspiring and I feel blessed to have had any time at all with her.  But it wasn't exactly fair for her to die of cancer.

There's a lot of unfairness...everywhere.  We can't keep someone from dying, or from doing anything really.  But we can make a difference.  Be the fair, kind forgiving person you want others to be.  Even if it doesn't come back to you the way you think it should.  You'll still be blessed.  Doing the right thing is never wrong.
Take care of each other and be kind, fair and forgiving to others and yourself!  Love, Patty

Laughter and other things

Hello and happy halloween if you're into that sort of thing, which I'm not.  But it doesn't bother me either way.  I have to admit though, I LOVE Ghost Hunters.  Weird, I know.  You're not thinking anything I haven't thought myself.  I've had experiences with paranormal things, little things.  My oldest sister had the best experience ever just a couple of weeks ago.  She came into the living room and my youngest sister, who had died back in 2000 was sitting on the couch laughing with someone that wasn't visible.  She was only there for a second, but Val said it was the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.  I totally believe her.

That really isn't what I wanted to talk about today though.  I started out this morning, in a lot of pain and really didn't want to go to work, even though I really love my job.  The weirdest thing happened though.  I started working and was really busy after all the work I'd missed and then I was talking with a couple of the guys I work with.  The next thing I knew I'm giggling about the silly things they were talking about.  I left work feeling almost back to normal.  I truly believe in the healing power of laughter and joy.  In my sister's case I truly believe that God gave her exactly what she needed at that point to make it through another difficult time or thought or whatever she was experiencing at that time.  I have to admit to some jealousy over her experience.  I would love to get a glimpse like that of my sister, happy and no longer in pain.  Instead God gave me exactly what I needed today, the opportunity to forget about myself and laugh with others.  It's healing and I'm grateful.  So today, regardless of whether it's a holiday to you or just another wednesday.  Be grateful and look for something to make you laugh.  Tonight I'll be watching my Ghost Hunter's as weird as that sounds and I will enjoy it.  Til next time, take care of each other and do something that will make you smile.  With love, Patty

I'll be back later today

Hello, if there's anyone out there who enjoys what I write, please be patient.  I'm finally back to work and I'm exhausted when I get home.  Tonight I just have the lovely opportunity to write a little something while I wake up in the middle of the night...lol.  Talk to you later, in the meantime, take care of each other, and yourself, Patty

I am sorry

There are three words that can make a world of difference in the lives of anyone we happen to touch.  It's I am sorry.  If meant, it can heal a festering wound or prevent one from getting to that point.  To say the words is like telling the receiver that you're willing to humble yourself to lift them up.

I'm terrible at nurturing relationships.  I have friends that I've had for years and years and I believe they know that I care about them deeply, but it certainly isn't because I make a point of calling or visiting on a regular basis.  If you care about someone and you have somehow wronged them by either action or sometimes inaction, it's so important to let them know that you regret how they've been hurt.

I remember as a child that phrase was rarely if ever used by my mother to me.  As a child we weren't worthy of an apology, it was just something that was taken for granted and you never have to explain yourself or your actions to a child.  How wrong she was.  One of the most healing moments I've ever experienced was having the opportunity to say I am sorry to my children.  Of course they are so forgiving.  I truly believe children have the heart of God and know how to love others.  It's kind of like dogs.  They just forgive and love you regardless of what selfish thing you've done that might have hurt them.  Dogs keep that, but children grow up.

As your children become adults, I believe it's still important to humble yourself for their benefit.  But not just our children, but our families in general, our friends, people you meet in the store....basically anyone you have wronged.  Never be afraid to say you're sorry.  The words are healing to both the giver and the receiver.  If I get a chance later, I'll talk about this more.  For now, be good to each other and yourself.  Patty

I get by with a little help from my friends

Today I received a note from someone I once cared about very deeply.  In fact, this person was very instrumental in one of the most difficult decisions of my life.  I dated him in high school.  We haven't done a very good job keeping in touch considering at one point we were planning on marrying.  We broke up under some very hard circumstances.  Most of them I created.  Here was this guy who said he loved me and wanted to marry me and I didn't believe him.  We broke up, we got back together and finally we said good bye.  It wasn't until years later that I looked him up, found him, had coffee and tried to find some sort of re-connection.....on a friendly basis.  Have you ever done that?  Felt lonely and thought maybe......maybe I stepped away from someone too soon?

It's funny, I had one of those moments when you see yourself as someone else.  I remember thinking....why are you going backwards?  Why aren't you moving ahead?  There was a reason you stepped away.  I guess I will never know if I made the right decision back then.  I do know that I truly appreciated the encouragement he gave me today.

Do you ever sit back and wonder what in the hell am I doing?  Is this some sort of failure I'm setting up?  Could I really have handled last week at work?  Unfortunately I'm going through a tremendous amount of personal stress and I probably should be talking to someone to help me keep perspective.  Perspective is something I have alot of........for other people.  I can look at someone's life and see pretty much what they need to do to fix it.  Why can I not follow my own advice?  I will say this though, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted and I do have a doctor's appt. on Monday to help.  I believe I require one in order to go back since I lost all of last week at work.  He's right about something he said. I love my job, why would I allow myself to lose it?  He's right, I love my job but I don't want to lose it.  I want to just be able to get up, go to work and not be totally and thoroughly exhausted.  Is that asking too much?  I can deal with the pain, even most stress, but the exhaustion is kicking my hind end.  He also thinks I might be crying out for help.  He's sort of right, I know that counseling would be beneficial to me but I need the exhaustion thing worked out first.  I guess I sort of wish that posting these will lead others to email or comment on things that have helped them deal with fibromyalgia and the chronic fatigue that goes with it.  I refuse to take medications that will make me gain weight.  Yeah, that ought to help my situation.  Ok, enough of my whining.  I don't want this to be a whiny blog.  I want to help others, hopefully my friend recognizes himself and sees that I am listening and attempting to follow his advice.  Your opinion does matter.  Thank you for saying I'm worth fighting for.  Thanks for thinking I'm brave and I'm sorry I can't be stronger or smarter or have more faith in myself, or my Lord which would be the best help there is, but I'm here, I haven't given up.  Tomorrow is a new day with a whole new perspective and a whole new topic.  Please try to stay with me.  Things do get better,  I just happened to start this blog on literally one of the worst weeks I've had for a year and 1/2.
Until tomorrow, take care of each other, keep perspective and don't forget to take care of yourself.  You're worth it.  I'm worth it.  :-)

My Children

Hello everyone, I want to talk a little about my children, well they're children to me, but technically they're adults.  I have one who was adopted by my sister (not a wise decision but something I can't change or beat myself for and I love her and him immensely).  I was young and I have 3 grandchildren which I share with my sister.  They live in another state far from Omaha.  It really sucks, I've missed out on so much.  But, I guess I'm lucky to even have the opportunity to be called Grandma Patty.  My other older child was actually my step-son.  I basically raised him and when my husband and I divorced (a whole other blog), I dropped the ball with his son as well.  I've made more mistakes then most people I believe.  But alas, that's not what this blog is about.  I just couldn't see talking about my children without mentioning my 2 oldest.

My oldest (that I got to keep and claim as my own) is now 24.  He is so much like his father.  He's very laid back and easy to get along with.  He has a decent job and a steady girlfriend.  I'm so proud of him.  He's growing into being such a good man.  He's never really gotten in trouble, other then not doing his homework in school and struggling to graduate.  That seems to be something all my kids have struggled with.  But then they had me as an example and let me tell you, kids learn what we live, not what we tell them.  Certainly not what we want them to learn.  They catch everything we do, all the bad.......and all of the good.  He wants children and she doesn't.  I hope something works out between them because I would love little Isaac's running around.

My daughter just turned 22.  She is so much like me when I was younger, it's kind of scary and kind of reassuring.  On one hand I see her making some of the same mistakes I made, but in a less scary way.  She's smarter then I am and has a whole lot more confidence in herself.  She's enrolled in college and I certainly can't be more proud of her.  She's taught me alot about myself.  She has shown me who I was.  It's like she took the best of me and the worst and the best of her father and has become this own woman.  One who isn't me or him.  She's Mary and I'm proud to have her as a daughter.

Then there's my youngest.  He's 19, always in trouble.  In fact, he's on probation right now for minor in possession.  He's not doing too well with his probation and has had multiple sanctions.  The funny thing is, he is so smart, they all are smart.  Unfortunately, he's caught that side of me that doesn't think he's worth fighting for.  I never knew how to fix it in myself so I don't know how to help him realize his own potential.  He doesn't know what he wants to do.  Anything I suggest is just nagging at him.  His dad and step-mom basically act as if he doesn't exist....actually none of my kids exist because hers take center stage.  And all my kids know it.  Believe me it has affected all three of them.  But none quite like my Ben.  I know he feels abandoned by them and I really think he's got this whole......"any kind of attention is better then not even existing in your eyes" type of thinking.  I wish his dad realized what he thew away when he lets his wife treat my kids like they don't measure up to her kids.  Enough about them.  Ben is trying hard to walk the almost straight and narrow and I'm the enabling mother, who due to guilt tends to give in to his wants.   He has me wrapped around his little finger and I'm caught between loving my son and enabling him to continue along a line that will only hurt him in the future.  He does have plans for college.  So pray, pray for my son if you're someone who prays and pray for me to be the kind of mother he needs.

We're all on this journey and we don't know what we're doing.  I wasn't really shown alot when it comes to parenting.  I'm not blaming my mother, but I was definately led to believe that I wasn't worth taking care of.  I NEVER want my children to EVER think that's true for them.  Maybe I go too far, maybe not far enough.  But hopefully they continue to show me the good things I gave them, like empathy and having a conscience, caring about others and being a good friend.  I'm proud of my children not only for their accomplishments and their will to never give up but also for who they are on the inside.  I love you all, Mom    

Til next time, take care of each other....and yourselves.  Patty

Fear

I think fear is one of the most debilitating of all emotions or states of mind.  And most of fear is based on the unknown.  What will happen if......This might happen if I do this.......but if you notice, we don't fear things from the past.  Unless we fear that it will catch up with us, like a law someone broke or such.  Most fear is based in the future.  It's an unknown future event that may or may not happen.  I'm talking about internal fears though.  These are fears that we basically make up.  Not a fear of a ghost or a boogy man of some kind coming to get us.  The fears I'm talking about are fears like, will they accept me?  Will they like me?  Am I too fat?  Fear stops us from doing what we probably should be doing.  You as an individual know which fear I'm talking about.  For you, it could be fear of failure so why bother trying.  You can't fail if you don't try.  Maybe it's fear of being laughed at and not with.  Maybe you love to paint but have never shown anyone because you think they will laugh at your attempts.  Or worse, maybe you think you're too old to even try some of the things you longed to do in your youth but was never given an opportunity.

Fear is a dark shadow, a boogyman who is out to get us.  To render us useless to anyone's team.  Fear is the ghost or the being laughed at or the failure.  Fear is the never trying.  One of the worst types of fears is the fear of not being taken seriously.  Maybe you have a dream of learning to sail and others say.....are you crazy?  You don't even live near the ocean.  Why would you even bother?  Or maybe you really want to move out of state and open a coffee shop or whatever and no one thinks you're capable......and you believe them.  That's the fear I'm talking about.

I believe one of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is be willing to be laughed at.  Get up in front of everyone and sing karaoke or be the person who sticks their hand up when looking for volunteers for a comedy act.  If we become willing to laugh at ourselves, and stop caring so much about what others may be thinking of us, imagine what kind of power that would generate within you.  If you actually wore that silly hat or mismatched shoes or socks on purpose....just for the fun of it.  I think looking fear in the face makes fear lose it's power over us.  Even if your knees are knocking.  You've won, if you've tried.  Til next time, take care of each other and yourself....and laugh more often.  Patty

Family Ties

I grew up right smack in the middle of 5 girls.  It's funny because my mother wanted boys.  She gave up when the fourth pregnancy was twin girls.  I don't blame her.  I don't have very many memories of my childhood and can't be certain of the ones I have.  But pictures have become very important to me, especially as I get older.  It's fun and kind of sad sometimes to look back at the possibilities of the children I see.  My father died when we were young so pictures of him are even more important to us sisters.

My mother was extremely intelligent.  But she never had the belief in herself to ever be any of the things she wanted to be and as a young widow of 5 girls with basically no real lasting assistance other then social security, she was forced to work to make ends meet.  And for someone who was so intelligent when it came to other people, she didn't have a lot of it when it came to her daughters.  She had some wonderful qualities though, and now that she's gone, I find myself missing those things about her all the time.

Now it's just me and my sisters so to speak.  We lost our youngest sister to cancer when she was 32.  That was in 2000.  That was one of the most difficult thing for all of us, but not near as difficult for her twin, who struggles on a daily basis.  This blog actually isn't a sad one, but a time of rememberence of those we love and have lost and those still with us.  I don't think we realize how much our siblings mean to us, especially when we're going through difficult times.  My family was brought to believe in sticking together and helping each other out through their hard times in life.  I don't do that near enough.  But lately, I find myself missing each of them and each of their amazing qualities.  They're not perfect, not near as perfect as me....:-) but we have shared experiences that make them uniquely qualified to help in times of trouble.  Basically, I need my sisters.  The ones far away and the ones that are near.  I love you all and miss you all.

My oldest sister Val took care of us alot growing up and years ago, I wrote her a poem.  It stills stands true today, I hope she sees this during her own difficult time she's currently going through, but Valerie, I'm thinking of you and hope this reminder lifts your spirits.

HERO

Your title is hero, in case you didn't know,
Cause you've always been there to take all the blows.
The burdens, the worries you grudgingly take,
The decisions I'm sure only you can make.  \
As oldest I know your responsibilities are such,
That the weight on your shoulders is sometimes too much.
But I love your concern, your care and you smiles,
And that good swift kick that pushes me for miles.
But don't give up yet, I've some growing to do,
But I wanted you to know how much I love you.

For those of you out there with family, don't forget to let them know how much you love them, and lean on them every now and then.  It might make them feel good.  I've still got 3 other sisters and over the next few months, it's time I let them know just what they have meant to me....so Mel and Michelle.....start looking for yours.  It'll be coming..  Take care of each other, who knows what tomorrow brings.  Patty Ferrell

The wonderful men I work with

You know I have one of the best jobs in the world I think.  I work all day with people who try to help others.  And they do it in such a way that they make the day fun.  I actually work as an administrative assistant to several agencies in a sectioned off portion of a building intended for a whole other service toward others.  I work with Therapist and Social Workers and people who deal with drama and trauma  all day long.  In fact, that's where I first heard of the idea of being traumatized by someone else's trauma.  That tells me that some people actually listen and care about who they're helping.  It matters to them.  But there is one in particular who goes beyond the call of duty.  He likes to come across to his colleagues as a sports fan, (which he is) and basically a jokester, but this is someone I'm proud to work next to because I know when that door closes because he's in session with someone who is struggling to keep things together, I know that he's listening and has empathy for whoever he is seeing that hour.  I think he's one of the few, the proud, the rare, he still cares and loves what he does.

But he's fun too, usually on Monday's I'll ask him how his weekend went and he'll say something along the lines of "oh, I was the evil queen while my daughter was the princess locked in her castle, she loves that game because I always use these strange voices and wear a costume".  It cracks me up, do you know any dads out there who play with their daughters that way?  Who love their wives?  Seriously, I haven't met many who are like that and I wouldn't embarrass him by telling him to his face, but I truly admire him.  He's a little too old to be a legitimate child of mine, but I'm just proud to work with him.  He has restored my faith in what men are capable of being.  There are times when it seems like the male of our species is from a whole other planet....seriously what was God thinking when he made us so different.  Truthfully, I don't think He planned for temptation to be thrown in their faces day in and day out.  Men have it really hard these days.  There are so many expectations thrown at them and it's difficult to be yourself while maintaining dignity and respect.  I don't know why, but a poem I wrote probably 15 years ago comes to mind I'm going to share it with you.  I might do that sort of thing more  often......if you'll tolerate them.  So many men out there lack the confidence they require to make it in life and it's evident everyday I go to work, so this is for them,

MEN

Men of strength,
But, unwilling to fight for themselves,
Smile for the men of strength.

Men of distinction,
Still, they're enslaved by the norm,
Yearn for the men of distinction.

Men of dedication,
Though, to entrust is folly,
Long for the men of dedication.

Men of passion,
Yet, not at liberty to express it,
Love for the men of passion.

Men of assurance,
Who can't make up their minds,
Understanding for the men of assurance.

Men of adventure,
Who don't leave their houses,
Hope for the men of adventure.

Men of dreams,
Who long to take flight,
Wings for the men of dreams!

Til next time, be kind to one another and yourself!  Patty Ferrell

I'm worth fighting for.

Hello everyone,

Being new to this, it's kind of difficult to decide just what my blog is going to be focused on.  Today I thought I'd talk about finding something worth fighting for.  This is something I struggle with on a regular basis.  I get so caught up in other people's troubles that I find myself hiding from life and the phone and anything else that requires my attention.  I just don't have a fight in me.  That has not always been the case.  I can remember when I was a teenager thinking that I should be a lawyer when I grow up because I really knew how to argue and boy could I pose an argument.  I usually won, I knew I was good at it.  It's funny now how none of that came to pass, mostly because I lost the will to fight.....for me.

There is a large amount of people out there who don't think they're worth fighting for, worth taking care of or worth putting forth an effort for.  Those of us who struggle with this are usually care givers who give everything we have to help someone else believe the very things we need to believe ourselves.  Why is that?  I've always thought that it's easy to recognize in another what is so prevalent in ourselves.  So, if we see someone struggling with self esteem issues or not knowing how to pick themselves up after a hard day.  We know exactly what to say.....they tell us we're wise and have it all together.  Little do they know...we say those things because we need to hear them and believe them ourselves.  I say that like I'm not talking about me, but us as a collective.  But basically, this is me.  I'm at that stage in life where I'm lonely, bored and have enough aches and pains for 10 people.  I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired....now that's not an old one!  :-)  It's old but true.

There's a ladies bible study that gets together once a week.  Right now we're learning about the "Sacred Romance".  A great study by the way.  I'm learning that I am worth fighting for because someone already has fought for me, with His life.  I don't think I'm alone even though I feel that way sometimes.  I don't think my life is all there is left for me either.  I think there is a purpose and a plan in store for me.  Right now, I'm learning how to believe that I'm worth fighting for.  All those things I say to others, to help them, is true for me also.  I promise this blog won't be a preachy kind of thing, but my faith is part of me.  A big part of me and I'm learning how to turn over the reigns to someone who has my best interest in mind regardless of how it looks.  I hope you all know that you're worth going the extra mile for...just like you're willing to do for others, do for you.  Until next time,  do something good for you, anything even if it's just a long bath.  Patty

Who I am

 You know, I have no idea exactly what is on my mind today. Many many thing cross it on a regular basis.  I have so much inside me that no one ever actually sees.  I enjoy my job tremendously.  I work well with other people and endear myself to the people I work with and around. So, I believe they like me back, even if they do think I'm a bit strange, which is very true.  My biggest problem with my job is actually getting there.  It's a 9 to 5 sort of thing and I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis (which is a whole other blog).  I have adult children whom I love very much but didn't exactly do a tremendous job at mothering.  I am an enabler by nature and it's difficult for me to change that part of myself.  I try, I fail, and I try again.  I don't give up though and I think that's the biggest hurdle.

I used to be a wild thing,  there really wasn't anything I was unwilling to try.  I think I used almost every type of drug available at the time, except heroine.  At that time, it was taboo even among "normal" drug users.  I never had any of the designer drugs.  It took me years to stay away from marijuana which was definately my drug of choice.  To this day, if it ever became legal, I'd probably be right back at it.  Anyway, I left home at an early age and started cocktail waitressing.  I made pretty good money and definately learned alot about men.  I grew up without any brothers and my dad died young so they were an enigma to me, and still are.  It's kind of amusing that I ended up with 3 boys and 1 daughter to raise.  I was so clueless.  I'm 48 years old, but it just doesn't seem real to me.  However, I have lots of wisdom (at least I think) to share with others and as the mood strikes me, I'll bring it to my blog.  Tonight I just wanted to tell you that I'm here.  There's much I wish to discuss with everyone.  I have my faith, I have an interest in books and movies.  I consider myself smart and I have a great empathy for others.  I also seem to know the right thing to say to help others.  I give great advice, I don't always live my own advice, but that's my problem, not yours.  Eventually I'd like to talk about my illness and how I cope.  I also want to share some of the funnier things I encounter.  I have a crazy family (most people do) and have have a subject matter if I really want one.

As far as politics are concerned, I have opinions but will share those another time, but I DO plan to vote.  Enough for now.  I'll be back tomorrow and have something to share with anyone willing to listen.  For now, I look forward to feedback, much love to you and take care of each other.   Patty