Jump starting the Heart

Hello everyone, how did your Thanksgiving go?  Mine was nicer than I expected, but also lonely throughout the day.  It made me really think hard about just what it is I want out of this life.  Deep huh?  I have been trying to fool everyone, especially me, that I'm content with what I have and that this is all okay.  I'd say over the past 10 years, I've tried very hard to be upfront about where I stand on things and where I am spiritually and emotionally.  I'm beginning to think it's all hogwash.

I also think the only one I've truly convinced is NO ONE.  Anyone who knows me personally must be thinking, "methinks thou dost protest too much" when it comes to relationships.  In my defense, I've been awful at relationships.  Oh, I'd love to say it was all them, but in truth.  I can see in retrospect, that I had a lot of growing up to do and a whole lot of learning ahead of me.  In case you haven't noticed, I have trust issues.  I have body image issues and abandonment issues.  Gosh, those are the ones right off the top of my head.
:-)  Lately, I've seen a lot of commercials for e-harmony and match.com or christianmingle and I think....hmmm.....what if?  Then I'm led back to my spiritual roots that tell me if I'm meant to meet someone that God would make sure that I did.  The question is, would I know it if it hit me upside my head?

I've spent the last 6 years or so, not dating, not looking, telling myself that I'm taking this time to learn about me and figure out what I need or want in a relationship.  I'm beginning to think that I'm making way too much of this.  I've had way too many walls up and been protecting myself way too much.  So, I have a Christmas wish this year.  It's not what you think, I'm not asking for a romantic relationship.  What I would like is to be less afraid.  I want to get out of my room more.  Ignore the pain I'm in more, because sometimes that does help.  I'm not saying run a marathon, but I do think that the reason I have no life is that I am unwilling to put myself out there for any reason.  All I seem to have is work and this computer and netflix.

I want to enjoy what I DO have more.  I have wonderful children whom I don't take the time to spend much time with.  Yes, schedules come into play and their own significant others but there's more to life than this.  I want to stop sleeping it away in this bedroom of mine.  I'm not sure how to start.  As soon as the christmas holiday is over and the new year is upon us.  I want to start something like a pottery class or painting or a book club or a church group again or something, anything to make an effort at enjoying life again.  I hope if any of you can relate that you'll join me in trying something new or trying again, something you used to enjoy.  There IS more to life than this.  It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship but I do think that developing a good one is impossible with the way I've conducted my life over the past 6 years.  I think I'm ready to live again.  I'll take any suggestions you good folks out there may have.  In the meantime, be good to each other, and yourself, Love, Patty

My Thanksgiving Confession

Since I believe honesty to be the best policy.  I thought I'd share an interesting story that happened over the past few days.  As many of you know, I was out of work for a week again and when I came back to work, I realized my time-sheet had not been turned in.  So, I'm royally screwed.  As someone who lives paycheck to paycheck and is trying to help support a 19 y/o son who is job searching, it can be very tight financially.  So, an entire month without one, with only a few days warning, just days before thanksgiving was not a good situation.  I simply don't have the money to serve a big dinner this year.  (secretly, I'm kind of relieved because it's hard work, when you're doing it alone).  

So, anyway, I go back to work this past Monday and I'm feeling kind of badly because I know I'm letting  some people down and it is difficult because there isn't anyone else who is trained to do my job.  It makes me feel guilty even though I know there's nothing I could have done differently at the time.  So, I go into work on Monday and the very first email I get is announcing the death of a coworker.  She worked at another office and it's not like we were friends or anything, but we'd share a meal a couple of times and she was a nice woman and to my chagrin, I had no idea she was sick.  So, it saddened me.  Then I get a text from my daughter telling my that my older son who's 24 and has been with his girlfriend for like 5 years or more probably won't respond to my texts as he has other things on his mind, so don't be offended.  My immediate question is.......is he upset with me?  I'm just trying to make sure they have plans for thanksgiving because I'm only doing pies...desserts only this year.  Then I'm informed that my son's girlfriend's mother suddenly passed away.  She was a friend in high school.  It's not like we hung out or anything, but I considered her a friend and we had mutual friends and would often talk about our situations.  She was one of those friends that wasn't high maintenance.  She didn't require a phone call to know we were friends.  Did I mention she's my age?  Only 48.....and there was no warning at all.  So, after finding out about the 2 deaths and having to wait a month between paychecks was not starting out my Monday very well.  I was a little teary and feeling a little sorry for myself.  

Then a coworker who's been on maternity leave comes back to work that day....me, thinking this was her second week back.....asks how it's going and she bursts into tears, so now we're both crying and of course I give her my sad story and I listen to her fears of leaving her baby for the first day.   It wasn't a good day.  I decide I'm not very thankful this year so why celebrate anyway.  Then as I'm driving to work on Tuesday, I'm listening to KGBI, a christian music radio station and the guest speaker, Jill I think is her name, starts talking about how we are called to be thankful in all things.  I was convicted.  Here I am working and working with people who are homeless and have far worse problems than me and I realized I had to be honest with God.  So, I tell Him, you know Lord, I'm not very thankful right now and I know I should be but to say I am would be lying.  So, help me to be thankful Lord in my situation, just as it is and take my fear away.  Help me to trust You to meet my needs.  In Jesus' name, Amen.  That's about all I had at that time.

I go to work today.  I have approximately 50 dollars in my account and I have an empty gas tank and no pies yet and decide that panicking is just pointless anyway.  Relax, do your job and no crying today.  Well the boss that I thought was upset with me was suddenly very nice, like all was okay and nothing was wrong. That made me feel better.  Pretty soon, my coworker comes in with this envelope and hands it to me.  I had a feeling what she'd done and I thanked her but said since I was not going to cry today, if it wouldn't offend her, I'd like to open it in private, like after work or something.  She understood completely.  In the envelope was a check for $100.00 with a note telling me it was a gift and something she just felt compelled to do since she had been given so much lately and this was her way of trying to "pay it forward".  Of course, I fought back tears.  Lost.  I bought the pies my kids had requested and what had once been a free for all as far as what time anyone was going to show up, if they showed up suddenly became a plan.  Thanksgiving evening, my 3 children will be here with me having the pies they requested and I guarantee that there will be a sense of peace that has eluded me for quite some time.  I feel thankful that someone went out of their way to help me.  I feel blessed.  I feel like my prayer was answered and my unhappiness was important enough to my Creator to make sure I received some help.  I don't know what your need is today, but the lesson I learned (once again and probably not the last time I'll need it) is that I have not, because I ask not.  Ask, Seek, Knock....He is there waiting to help.  Until next time, enjoy your holiday and if you happen to be with family, try to enjoy them too.  Be kind to others and yourself, Love Patty

Honesty

Hello everyone,  I thought I'd take a moment to talk about honesty.  It's one of the most important things in my life right now.  I have said many times that I can handle any truth, but lying to me is like the kiss of death. I have a very difficult time ever believing you again.  Now, I know this isn't news to anyone.  Most of us feel the same way, but do you realize how many lies get told in any given day?  We lie to our loved ones to save face or to save them embarrassment.  We lie to protect our reputations so others don't feel badly about us or for us.  Lying has destroyed both of my marriages.  Not that I was innocent in either divorce, but I lied to myself in the first marriage thinking that what I needed would turn into what I wanted.  Judging by his infidelity, I didn't fool him much.  My second marriage, I lied to myself by convincing myself that he meant it when he said he loved me.  Deep down, I knew he didn't.  But I had just gotten out of jail and felt like I would never be loved again.  So, even though I knew he didn't really love me, but actually just needed someone with a car and a license to get him where he needed to go was what he loved about me.  Hence, that marriage lasted an amazing 3 years.....much longer than I expected.

What about when we lie to God?  Does that actually even happen?  Since God knows everything anyway, aren't we really lying to ourselves when we say that our relationship with the Lord is growing and I'm learning about such and such.  I can look back and see where He led me in those hurtful situations.  I literally see His hand in my life.....but that's in the past.  I didn't see it at the time, but in retrospect, I do see where His hands led me.  Where does honestly come into this situation you may ask?  Well, what if we don't feel fine?  What if we feel like we're out here on our own and that sometimes God seems too busy to be bothered by my situation?  My intellect tells me that some time down the road I'll look back on this time in my life and see where this too was a lesson I needed to learn and it will ultimately lead me closer to Him.  But to be honest, right now I feel alone.  Left to my own devices and now more than ever, I need to trust and believe that He loves me as much as I do my own children.  That the struggles I'm having right now matter to him, much like the struggles of my family matter to me.  But if He is like me, He buries His head in the sand and waits for the turmoil to end because it's just too hard to deal with.

I guess if I were honest, and I am.  I'm scared of what my future holds.  I'm scared for where me and my son will live.  I'm scared that physically I'll be unable to work.  I'm scared that I'm overburdened and will just break.  I'm scared that through this all, God will be too busy taking care of more important things than me.

You're probably thinking whine, whine, whine......other people got it a whole lot worse than you and I know that to be true.  But it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.  See, honesty.  I will end this blog with a prayer.

Lord, I know you're there and your Word says that you are love.  That love is your very nature.  I know that you made me in my mother's womb.  But I feel like I'm alone and left to my own devices.  I feel like I've let you down and you're unwilling to help me.  That I have to help myself.  But Lord, I am unable to help myself.  I need YOU to guide me, to give me your strength and to lift me up so I can find some joy...any joy, somewhere.  If you love me at all, please help.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I know there are others out there just like me.  Who struggle with these same type of feelings.  I do know that the only person you're really fooling is yourself.  I was encouraged tonight to pour out my heart.  To be as honest to God as I was to the people I was talking to.  I guess I thought I was, but I've been sugarcoating my prayer, when I actually pray.  My prayers feel fruitless, like I'm talking to a wall.  My encouragement to you tonight is to pour out your heart and let Him know how you really feel.  I know He can take it.  You'll feel better knowing you've done what you could.  You've told the God of the universe that you're unhappy with Him.  He knew you felt that way anyway.  I believe that honesty opens the door to true relationship.  Because no true relationship can exist where lies are being told...even to ourselves.  Sorry if my blogs lately have been a downer but I got to be who I am.  This is where I'm at.  Pray for me.  I'll pray for you.  Feel free to leave me a message on my gmail.  In the meantime, take care of each other and yourself, Love Patty

Things are tough all over

Do you have Fibromyalgia?  For those of us who do, let me tell you, there are several things you should know.
1.  I cannot just snap out of it, put my best foot forward and just do it.
2.  You have no idea what kind of pain I'm experiencing.  If you did, you would know that previous statement is offensive.
3.  I DO know there are others out there with lives worse than mine.  However, I don't live their lives.  I live mine and some days it's extremely difficult.

Fibromyalgia takes so much out of a person.  I have found that you can explain and explain til your blue in the face and guess what....no one hears you.  I am seen as lazy, depressed (which is true by the way) and all I need to do is snap out of it.  When fibro is in control....all my nerves are in high gear.  This explains why when I do go to the dentist, it is soooo painful.  Sometimes sounds can trigger an attack or smells or let me think....STRESS by some chance????

When you are a single woman trying to make your own way in this world do you really think I don't know that missing 3 UNPAID days of work in a paycheck is in my best interest?  Do you really think I need to be told this?  Do you really think I'm planning on some miracle?  That I'm not worried about Christmas coming and not having gifts for my kids or the ladies at Bible study?

I worry, I worry alot.  I have many things to worry about.  Fibromyalgia is one of the most misunderstood diagnosis' out there.  Those who don't have it, have a hard time believing we REALLY are experiencing this pain, this complete exhaustion, this debilitating depression.

I've been told not to try to make people understand because unless they have it, they won't get it.  I'm seen as week minded and unable to just snap out of things.  That's not me.  I beat drugs, poverty, things you only read about.  But this disease is kicking my behind.  I guess I just needed to sound off a little bit.  If you have a loved one who has this disease and maybe you're tired of hearing about it.  Give it a rest and do yourself a favor.  Read up on it.  Educate yourself on the symptoms and what can happen to a person experiencing them.  In the mean time, take care of each other and yourself.  I have to go to bed early because I NEED to go to work tomorrow even though, every fiber of my being is in pain.  Til next time, love Patty

Freedom can be found in a cage.

It is so hard to keep perspective.   I was talking with someone the other night and they asked me how I felt about something.  What difference does that make??  Seriously?  My feelings are not the truth!  I may feel like my head is killing me, but I KNOW that's not true, it's just how I feel when I have a headache or a migraine.  I have times when I feel lonely but there are others around me.  My point is, just because you feel something, doesn't mean it's true.  That puts a monkey wrench in things.  Especially if this is a new concept for you.  

I've heard the statement that "Happiness is a choice", a decision, something anyone can have regardless of what's going on.  Books have been written on the subject, endless books.  I do believe that statement.  I may not act like I believe it a lot of the times, but I do believe that I can be happy regardless of my circumstances.

In fact, I was telling my aunt the other night that one of the most peaceful times in my life was the 4 months I spent in jail back in 2000.  What I was there for is a whole other blog.  ;-)  My life was in shambles, believe me.  One of my younger sisters died the day before I was supposed to turn myself in.  She died of cancer.  She was only 32 and she left behind 2 young boys.  Two months later, sitting in county jail, my best friend died suddenly.  I had no idea he was even sick.   Everything was out of my control.  I couldn't choose my meals or my clothes or go anywhere or fix anything.  I couldn't console anyone.  The only thing I could control was my response to my situation.  I didn't worry about anything because there was not a single thing I could do to change anything.  That was FREEDOM!!!!

I sometimes get caught up in my feelings.  There are times when I linger on thoughts that are not helpful for anyone.  My physical pain can sometimes turn my perspective completely upside down and I'm left with these very depressed feelings.  The choices I've made in the past sometimes haunt me and bring me down.  It's really hard to keep perspective when these things occur.  I just have to remember that it's difficult to be sad when your dancing or singing along to the radio or helping someone who is really thankful for your help.  So try to keep perspective and ask yourself........is the way I'm feeling....the truth?  Does it have to be this way?  Is there something I can do to see things clearer?  In the end, when I'm no longer on this earth, will this situation be of any importance?  Now that's perspective!

Until next time, take care of each other, and yourself.  And don't allow yourself to believe what isn't truth.

with love, Patty

Very little to do with the election, YAY!!

Hello everyone, with this being the evening before all the choas of the election.  And a sorry state of affairs that's been.  I thought I'd give you the opportunity to choose something entirely different.  Since, it's Monday, and I've had a busy day with lots of things to get accomplished, I thought I'd write about something easy.  In other words, something I've already done......years ago.  I don't present these poems to you because I'm looking for words of encouragement to continue with that sort of thing.  I haven't written poems in about 12 years.  They're older thoughts that just happen to still be relevant today.  These poems were actually a group of about 10 or so that was part of an assignment in English Comp I in college.  I wrote the poems and then wrote some sort of explanation as to what I was feeling when I wrote them and what they generally meant to me.  The funny part about it is, I received a B on the overall paper along with a note that said he enjoyed the explanations better than the poems themselves.  So, they're not "all that", but I like them and they did mean something to me then, just as they do now.  I hope they have something in them you can relate to.  If you'd like, leave a comment and tell me which one if either spoke to you.

Rain

The rain streamed down along my face.

Like a friend who betrayed, though no promises were made.

Each drop a reminder of tears already shed.

And the splash of the puddles are where my heart bled.

The drops are a mask of all our hidden pain.

And no one has to know the truth behind the rain.

Rain's Redemption

The sweet assurance of a rains soft whisper,

Enchants me with its simple and quiet nature.

As the rhythm lures me to dance with each drop,

It cleanses the scents of the dreams I'd forgot.

Each drop of moisture quenches my thirsty soul,

Like it softens the petals of a once dying rose.

The poems seem to be the same, but are two entirely different perspectives.  Two sides of possibly one story.  Did one in particular speak to you?  Tell me about it, I'd really love to hear.  In the spirit of these lousy commercials we've heard over the past year............My name is Patty and I approve this message.  Until next time, take care of each other and yourself.  Love, Patty

Fairness

Do you remember being told as a child to be fair?  Play fair, share what you have, that sort of thing?  Well I do.  We as children, shared everything and we were told to be fair to each other.  No playing favorites or anything.  If one got something, then everyone got something.  That was the rules for kids.  Of course there were others but this particular day it strikes me that we've been taught wrong.  There is no fairness.  If you're fair to others, that doesn't mean that others will be fair to you.  It just means that you're a fair person.  You've been taught well.  Not everyone got the same rule book!

Being fair, kind and forgiving is something we strive for.  But never should these be expectations.  I believe this to be fundamental in most people's inner most being.  This whole idea that if I'm nice to you, then you have to be nice to me.  If you don't, you're not being fair.  We don't always receive back what we give, or what we deserve.  Thank God!!  We may think we've been fair, but I'm guessing that most of us have messed this up somewhere along the line.

Yesterday a friend died.  We weren't close, never got the chance I guess.  I feel that to be an opportunity I missed out on.  She was a lot of fun.  This home church we met at has this basket full of different types of percussion and other small instruments from literally around the world.  During our praise and worship time, you can bet she had something or other in her hand, making music for the Lord.  She was inspiring and I feel blessed to have had any time at all with her.  But it wasn't exactly fair for her to die of cancer.

There's a lot of unfairness...everywhere.  We can't keep someone from dying, or from doing anything really.  But we can make a difference.  Be the fair, kind forgiving person you want others to be.  Even if it doesn't come back to you the way you think it should.  You'll still be blessed.  Doing the right thing is never wrong.
Take care of each other and be kind, fair and forgiving to others and yourself!  Love, Patty