Laughter and other things

Hello and happy halloween if you're into that sort of thing, which I'm not.  But it doesn't bother me either way.  I have to admit though, I LOVE Ghost Hunters.  Weird, I know.  You're not thinking anything I haven't thought myself.  I've had experiences with paranormal things, little things.  My oldest sister had the best experience ever just a couple of weeks ago.  She came into the living room and my youngest sister, who had died back in 2000 was sitting on the couch laughing with someone that wasn't visible.  She was only there for a second, but Val said it was the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.  I totally believe her.

That really isn't what I wanted to talk about today though.  I started out this morning, in a lot of pain and really didn't want to go to work, even though I really love my job.  The weirdest thing happened though.  I started working and was really busy after all the work I'd missed and then I was talking with a couple of the guys I work with.  The next thing I knew I'm giggling about the silly things they were talking about.  I left work feeling almost back to normal.  I truly believe in the healing power of laughter and joy.  In my sister's case I truly believe that God gave her exactly what she needed at that point to make it through another difficult time or thought or whatever she was experiencing at that time.  I have to admit to some jealousy over her experience.  I would love to get a glimpse like that of my sister, happy and no longer in pain.  Instead God gave me exactly what I needed today, the opportunity to forget about myself and laugh with others.  It's healing and I'm grateful.  So today, regardless of whether it's a holiday to you or just another wednesday.  Be grateful and look for something to make you laugh.  Tonight I'll be watching my Ghost Hunter's as weird as that sounds and I will enjoy it.  Til next time, take care of each other and do something that will make you smile.  With love, Patty

I'll be back later today

Hello, if there's anyone out there who enjoys what I write, please be patient.  I'm finally back to work and I'm exhausted when I get home.  Tonight I just have the lovely opportunity to write a little something while I wake up in the middle of the night...lol.  Talk to you later, in the meantime, take care of each other, and yourself, Patty

I am sorry

There are three words that can make a world of difference in the lives of anyone we happen to touch.  It's I am sorry.  If meant, it can heal a festering wound or prevent one from getting to that point.  To say the words is like telling the receiver that you're willing to humble yourself to lift them up.

I'm terrible at nurturing relationships.  I have friends that I've had for years and years and I believe they know that I care about them deeply, but it certainly isn't because I make a point of calling or visiting on a regular basis.  If you care about someone and you have somehow wronged them by either action or sometimes inaction, it's so important to let them know that you regret how they've been hurt.

I remember as a child that phrase was rarely if ever used by my mother to me.  As a child we weren't worthy of an apology, it was just something that was taken for granted and you never have to explain yourself or your actions to a child.  How wrong she was.  One of the most healing moments I've ever experienced was having the opportunity to say I am sorry to my children.  Of course they are so forgiving.  I truly believe children have the heart of God and know how to love others.  It's kind of like dogs.  They just forgive and love you regardless of what selfish thing you've done that might have hurt them.  Dogs keep that, but children grow up.

As your children become adults, I believe it's still important to humble yourself for their benefit.  But not just our children, but our families in general, our friends, people you meet in the store....basically anyone you have wronged.  Never be afraid to say you're sorry.  The words are healing to both the giver and the receiver.  If I get a chance later, I'll talk about this more.  For now, be good to each other and yourself.  Patty

I get by with a little help from my friends

Today I received a note from someone I once cared about very deeply.  In fact, this person was very instrumental in one of the most difficult decisions of my life.  I dated him in high school.  We haven't done a very good job keeping in touch considering at one point we were planning on marrying.  We broke up under some very hard circumstances.  Most of them I created.  Here was this guy who said he loved me and wanted to marry me and I didn't believe him.  We broke up, we got back together and finally we said good bye.  It wasn't until years later that I looked him up, found him, had coffee and tried to find some sort of re-connection.....on a friendly basis.  Have you ever done that?  Felt lonely and thought maybe......maybe I stepped away from someone too soon?

It's funny, I had one of those moments when you see yourself as someone else.  I remember thinking....why are you going backwards?  Why aren't you moving ahead?  There was a reason you stepped away.  I guess I will never know if I made the right decision back then.  I do know that I truly appreciated the encouragement he gave me today.

Do you ever sit back and wonder what in the hell am I doing?  Is this some sort of failure I'm setting up?  Could I really have handled last week at work?  Unfortunately I'm going through a tremendous amount of personal stress and I probably should be talking to someone to help me keep perspective.  Perspective is something I have alot of........for other people.  I can look at someone's life and see pretty much what they need to do to fix it.  Why can I not follow my own advice?  I will say this though, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted and I do have a doctor's appt. on Monday to help.  I believe I require one in order to go back since I lost all of last week at work.  He's right about something he said. I love my job, why would I allow myself to lose it?  He's right, I love my job but I don't want to lose it.  I want to just be able to get up, go to work and not be totally and thoroughly exhausted.  Is that asking too much?  I can deal with the pain, even most stress, but the exhaustion is kicking my hind end.  He also thinks I might be crying out for help.  He's sort of right, I know that counseling would be beneficial to me but I need the exhaustion thing worked out first.  I guess I sort of wish that posting these will lead others to email or comment on things that have helped them deal with fibromyalgia and the chronic fatigue that goes with it.  I refuse to take medications that will make me gain weight.  Yeah, that ought to help my situation.  Ok, enough of my whining.  I don't want this to be a whiny blog.  I want to help others, hopefully my friend recognizes himself and sees that I am listening and attempting to follow his advice.  Your opinion does matter.  Thank you for saying I'm worth fighting for.  Thanks for thinking I'm brave and I'm sorry I can't be stronger or smarter or have more faith in myself, or my Lord which would be the best help there is, but I'm here, I haven't given up.  Tomorrow is a new day with a whole new perspective and a whole new topic.  Please try to stay with me.  Things do get better,  I just happened to start this blog on literally one of the worst weeks I've had for a year and 1/2.
Until tomorrow, take care of each other, keep perspective and don't forget to take care of yourself.  You're worth it.  I'm worth it.  :-)

My Children

Hello everyone, I want to talk a little about my children, well they're children to me, but technically they're adults.  I have one who was adopted by my sister (not a wise decision but something I can't change or beat myself for and I love her and him immensely).  I was young and I have 3 grandchildren which I share with my sister.  They live in another state far from Omaha.  It really sucks, I've missed out on so much.  But, I guess I'm lucky to even have the opportunity to be called Grandma Patty.  My other older child was actually my step-son.  I basically raised him and when my husband and I divorced (a whole other blog), I dropped the ball with his son as well.  I've made more mistakes then most people I believe.  But alas, that's not what this blog is about.  I just couldn't see talking about my children without mentioning my 2 oldest.

My oldest (that I got to keep and claim as my own) is now 24.  He is so much like his father.  He's very laid back and easy to get along with.  He has a decent job and a steady girlfriend.  I'm so proud of him.  He's growing into being such a good man.  He's never really gotten in trouble, other then not doing his homework in school and struggling to graduate.  That seems to be something all my kids have struggled with.  But then they had me as an example and let me tell you, kids learn what we live, not what we tell them.  Certainly not what we want them to learn.  They catch everything we do, all the bad.......and all of the good.  He wants children and she doesn't.  I hope something works out between them because I would love little Isaac's running around.

My daughter just turned 22.  She is so much like me when I was younger, it's kind of scary and kind of reassuring.  On one hand I see her making some of the same mistakes I made, but in a less scary way.  She's smarter then I am and has a whole lot more confidence in herself.  She's enrolled in college and I certainly can't be more proud of her.  She's taught me alot about myself.  She has shown me who I was.  It's like she took the best of me and the worst and the best of her father and has become this own woman.  One who isn't me or him.  She's Mary and I'm proud to have her as a daughter.

Then there's my youngest.  He's 19, always in trouble.  In fact, he's on probation right now for minor in possession.  He's not doing too well with his probation and has had multiple sanctions.  The funny thing is, he is so smart, they all are smart.  Unfortunately, he's caught that side of me that doesn't think he's worth fighting for.  I never knew how to fix it in myself so I don't know how to help him realize his own potential.  He doesn't know what he wants to do.  Anything I suggest is just nagging at him.  His dad and step-mom basically act as if he doesn't exist....actually none of my kids exist because hers take center stage.  And all my kids know it.  Believe me it has affected all three of them.  But none quite like my Ben.  I know he feels abandoned by them and I really think he's got this whole......"any kind of attention is better then not even existing in your eyes" type of thinking.  I wish his dad realized what he thew away when he lets his wife treat my kids like they don't measure up to her kids.  Enough about them.  Ben is trying hard to walk the almost straight and narrow and I'm the enabling mother, who due to guilt tends to give in to his wants.   He has me wrapped around his little finger and I'm caught between loving my son and enabling him to continue along a line that will only hurt him in the future.  He does have plans for college.  So pray, pray for my son if you're someone who prays and pray for me to be the kind of mother he needs.

We're all on this journey and we don't know what we're doing.  I wasn't really shown alot when it comes to parenting.  I'm not blaming my mother, but I was definately led to believe that I wasn't worth taking care of.  I NEVER want my children to EVER think that's true for them.  Maybe I go too far, maybe not far enough.  But hopefully they continue to show me the good things I gave them, like empathy and having a conscience, caring about others and being a good friend.  I'm proud of my children not only for their accomplishments and their will to never give up but also for who they are on the inside.  I love you all, Mom    

Til next time, take care of each other....and yourselves.  Patty

Fear

I think fear is one of the most debilitating of all emotions or states of mind.  And most of fear is based on the unknown.  What will happen if......This might happen if I do this.......but if you notice, we don't fear things from the past.  Unless we fear that it will catch up with us, like a law someone broke or such.  Most fear is based in the future.  It's an unknown future event that may or may not happen.  I'm talking about internal fears though.  These are fears that we basically make up.  Not a fear of a ghost or a boogy man of some kind coming to get us.  The fears I'm talking about are fears like, will they accept me?  Will they like me?  Am I too fat?  Fear stops us from doing what we probably should be doing.  You as an individual know which fear I'm talking about.  For you, it could be fear of failure so why bother trying.  You can't fail if you don't try.  Maybe it's fear of being laughed at and not with.  Maybe you love to paint but have never shown anyone because you think they will laugh at your attempts.  Or worse, maybe you think you're too old to even try some of the things you longed to do in your youth but was never given an opportunity.

Fear is a dark shadow, a boogyman who is out to get us.  To render us useless to anyone's team.  Fear is the ghost or the being laughed at or the failure.  Fear is the never trying.  One of the worst types of fears is the fear of not being taken seriously.  Maybe you have a dream of learning to sail and others say.....are you crazy?  You don't even live near the ocean.  Why would you even bother?  Or maybe you really want to move out of state and open a coffee shop or whatever and no one thinks you're capable......and you believe them.  That's the fear I'm talking about.

I believe one of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is be willing to be laughed at.  Get up in front of everyone and sing karaoke or be the person who sticks their hand up when looking for volunteers for a comedy act.  If we become willing to laugh at ourselves, and stop caring so much about what others may be thinking of us, imagine what kind of power that would generate within you.  If you actually wore that silly hat or mismatched shoes or socks on purpose....just for the fun of it.  I think looking fear in the face makes fear lose it's power over us.  Even if your knees are knocking.  You've won, if you've tried.  Til next time, take care of each other and yourself....and laugh more often.  Patty

Family Ties

I grew up right smack in the middle of 5 girls.  It's funny because my mother wanted boys.  She gave up when the fourth pregnancy was twin girls.  I don't blame her.  I don't have very many memories of my childhood and can't be certain of the ones I have.  But pictures have become very important to me, especially as I get older.  It's fun and kind of sad sometimes to look back at the possibilities of the children I see.  My father died when we were young so pictures of him are even more important to us sisters.

My mother was extremely intelligent.  But she never had the belief in herself to ever be any of the things she wanted to be and as a young widow of 5 girls with basically no real lasting assistance other then social security, she was forced to work to make ends meet.  And for someone who was so intelligent when it came to other people, she didn't have a lot of it when it came to her daughters.  She had some wonderful qualities though, and now that she's gone, I find myself missing those things about her all the time.

Now it's just me and my sisters so to speak.  We lost our youngest sister to cancer when she was 32.  That was in 2000.  That was one of the most difficult thing for all of us, but not near as difficult for her twin, who struggles on a daily basis.  This blog actually isn't a sad one, but a time of rememberence of those we love and have lost and those still with us.  I don't think we realize how much our siblings mean to us, especially when we're going through difficult times.  My family was brought to believe in sticking together and helping each other out through their hard times in life.  I don't do that near enough.  But lately, I find myself missing each of them and each of their amazing qualities.  They're not perfect, not near as perfect as me....:-) but we have shared experiences that make them uniquely qualified to help in times of trouble.  Basically, I need my sisters.  The ones far away and the ones that are near.  I love you all and miss you all.

My oldest sister Val took care of us alot growing up and years ago, I wrote her a poem.  It stills stands true today, I hope she sees this during her own difficult time she's currently going through, but Valerie, I'm thinking of you and hope this reminder lifts your spirits.

HERO

Your title is hero, in case you didn't know,
Cause you've always been there to take all the blows.
The burdens, the worries you grudgingly take,
The decisions I'm sure only you can make.  \
As oldest I know your responsibilities are such,
That the weight on your shoulders is sometimes too much.
But I love your concern, your care and you smiles,
And that good swift kick that pushes me for miles.
But don't give up yet, I've some growing to do,
But I wanted you to know how much I love you.

For those of you out there with family, don't forget to let them know how much you love them, and lean on them every now and then.  It might make them feel good.  I've still got 3 other sisters and over the next few months, it's time I let them know just what they have meant to me....so Mel and Michelle.....start looking for yours.  It'll be coming..  Take care of each other, who knows what tomorrow brings.  Patty Ferrell

The wonderful men I work with

You know I have one of the best jobs in the world I think.  I work all day with people who try to help others.  And they do it in such a way that they make the day fun.  I actually work as an administrative assistant to several agencies in a sectioned off portion of a building intended for a whole other service toward others.  I work with Therapist and Social Workers and people who deal with drama and trauma  all day long.  In fact, that's where I first heard of the idea of being traumatized by someone else's trauma.  That tells me that some people actually listen and care about who they're helping.  It matters to them.  But there is one in particular who goes beyond the call of duty.  He likes to come across to his colleagues as a sports fan, (which he is) and basically a jokester, but this is someone I'm proud to work next to because I know when that door closes because he's in session with someone who is struggling to keep things together, I know that he's listening and has empathy for whoever he is seeing that hour.  I think he's one of the few, the proud, the rare, he still cares and loves what he does.

But he's fun too, usually on Monday's I'll ask him how his weekend went and he'll say something along the lines of "oh, I was the evil queen while my daughter was the princess locked in her castle, she loves that game because I always use these strange voices and wear a costume".  It cracks me up, do you know any dads out there who play with their daughters that way?  Who love their wives?  Seriously, I haven't met many who are like that and I wouldn't embarrass him by telling him to his face, but I truly admire him.  He's a little too old to be a legitimate child of mine, but I'm just proud to work with him.  He has restored my faith in what men are capable of being.  There are times when it seems like the male of our species is from a whole other planet....seriously what was God thinking when he made us so different.  Truthfully, I don't think He planned for temptation to be thrown in their faces day in and day out.  Men have it really hard these days.  There are so many expectations thrown at them and it's difficult to be yourself while maintaining dignity and respect.  I don't know why, but a poem I wrote probably 15 years ago comes to mind I'm going to share it with you.  I might do that sort of thing more  often......if you'll tolerate them.  So many men out there lack the confidence they require to make it in life and it's evident everyday I go to work, so this is for them,

MEN

Men of strength,
But, unwilling to fight for themselves,
Smile for the men of strength.

Men of distinction,
Still, they're enslaved by the norm,
Yearn for the men of distinction.

Men of dedication,
Though, to entrust is folly,
Long for the men of dedication.

Men of passion,
Yet, not at liberty to express it,
Love for the men of passion.

Men of assurance,
Who can't make up their minds,
Understanding for the men of assurance.

Men of adventure,
Who don't leave their houses,
Hope for the men of adventure.

Men of dreams,
Who long to take flight,
Wings for the men of dreams!

Til next time, be kind to one another and yourself!  Patty Ferrell

I'm worth fighting for.

Hello everyone,

Being new to this, it's kind of difficult to decide just what my blog is going to be focused on.  Today I thought I'd talk about finding something worth fighting for.  This is something I struggle with on a regular basis.  I get so caught up in other people's troubles that I find myself hiding from life and the phone and anything else that requires my attention.  I just don't have a fight in me.  That has not always been the case.  I can remember when I was a teenager thinking that I should be a lawyer when I grow up because I really knew how to argue and boy could I pose an argument.  I usually won, I knew I was good at it.  It's funny now how none of that came to pass, mostly because I lost the will to fight.....for me.

There is a large amount of people out there who don't think they're worth fighting for, worth taking care of or worth putting forth an effort for.  Those of us who struggle with this are usually care givers who give everything we have to help someone else believe the very things we need to believe ourselves.  Why is that?  I've always thought that it's easy to recognize in another what is so prevalent in ourselves.  So, if we see someone struggling with self esteem issues or not knowing how to pick themselves up after a hard day.  We know exactly what to say.....they tell us we're wise and have it all together.  Little do they know...we say those things because we need to hear them and believe them ourselves.  I say that like I'm not talking about me, but us as a collective.  But basically, this is me.  I'm at that stage in life where I'm lonely, bored and have enough aches and pains for 10 people.  I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired....now that's not an old one!  :-)  It's old but true.

There's a ladies bible study that gets together once a week.  Right now we're learning about the "Sacred Romance".  A great study by the way.  I'm learning that I am worth fighting for because someone already has fought for me, with His life.  I don't think I'm alone even though I feel that way sometimes.  I don't think my life is all there is left for me either.  I think there is a purpose and a plan in store for me.  Right now, I'm learning how to believe that I'm worth fighting for.  All those things I say to others, to help them, is true for me also.  I promise this blog won't be a preachy kind of thing, but my faith is part of me.  A big part of me and I'm learning how to turn over the reigns to someone who has my best interest in mind regardless of how it looks.  I hope you all know that you're worth going the extra mile for...just like you're willing to do for others, do for you.  Until next time,  do something good for you, anything even if it's just a long bath.  Patty

Who I am

 You know, I have no idea exactly what is on my mind today. Many many thing cross it on a regular basis.  I have so much inside me that no one ever actually sees.  I enjoy my job tremendously.  I work well with other people and endear myself to the people I work with and around. So, I believe they like me back, even if they do think I'm a bit strange, which is very true.  My biggest problem with my job is actually getting there.  It's a 9 to 5 sort of thing and I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis (which is a whole other blog).  I have adult children whom I love very much but didn't exactly do a tremendous job at mothering.  I am an enabler by nature and it's difficult for me to change that part of myself.  I try, I fail, and I try again.  I don't give up though and I think that's the biggest hurdle.

I used to be a wild thing,  there really wasn't anything I was unwilling to try.  I think I used almost every type of drug available at the time, except heroine.  At that time, it was taboo even among "normal" drug users.  I never had any of the designer drugs.  It took me years to stay away from marijuana which was definately my drug of choice.  To this day, if it ever became legal, I'd probably be right back at it.  Anyway, I left home at an early age and started cocktail waitressing.  I made pretty good money and definately learned alot about men.  I grew up without any brothers and my dad died young so they were an enigma to me, and still are.  It's kind of amusing that I ended up with 3 boys and 1 daughter to raise.  I was so clueless.  I'm 48 years old, but it just doesn't seem real to me.  However, I have lots of wisdom (at least I think) to share with others and as the mood strikes me, I'll bring it to my blog.  Tonight I just wanted to tell you that I'm here.  There's much I wish to discuss with everyone.  I have my faith, I have an interest in books and movies.  I consider myself smart and I have a great empathy for others.  I also seem to know the right thing to say to help others.  I give great advice, I don't always live my own advice, but that's my problem, not yours.  Eventually I'd like to talk about my illness and how I cope.  I also want to share some of the funnier things I encounter.  I have a crazy family (most people do) and have have a subject matter if I really want one.

As far as politics are concerned, I have opinions but will share those another time, but I DO plan to vote.  Enough for now.  I'll be back tomorrow and have something to share with anyone willing to listen.  For now, I look forward to feedback, much love to you and take care of each other.   Patty