Stranger things have happened.

Hello everyone, I know, once again I've been caught up in my own little world. I've heard some good news though and thought I would share with all of you who have been praying on my behalf. The judge who was looking through my disability case has awarded me my disability pay and I will be receiving back pay for roughly a year or so. But.......I won't receive it for a couple of months or so. I'm still relying solely on my sister who is thankfully still paying my bills. She getting some of my settlement but it won't be nearly enough for all she's done this past year. I love you so much Michelle. Thank you!

You would think with this good news I would have a better disposition. Unfortunately, I'm still a worrier even though worrying is completely pointless. And, due to my worrying, it's caused my fibro to be in full blown over-active mode for some time. This is causing problems for son and daughter in law as they count on me to be there for my grandson while my daughter works. And sometimes I put my foot in my mouth and my words come out completely different than what I had intended. So now......I don't know, I worry and I miss those days when laughter was my main staple. I've been reading in the book of Acts, which is the one book in the new testament that makes me nervous. I just don't have a handle on all of it. I guess it's time to finish that book and move on to one that's encouraging, like Romans.

Today, I had a stranger hand me a note. Odd enough in and of itself but the note said "God will listen to your prayers". This isn't news, I've known that part for years but I don't always put it into practice. So, today I am choosing to rest in my room, enjoy my granddaughter Emma, watch stuff on Netflix and ignore all things negative, including myself. I apparently don't really care for me these days. So if you've been praying for me, please continue....I know that this too shall pass but it feels like forever before my life will have any life to it at all.

Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses in Acts 17:24 - 28 "The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; neither is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all life and breath and all things; and He made from one, every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times, and the boundaries of their habitation, that they should seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said 'for we also are His offspring'"

Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, love, Patty

Random anyone???

Hello Everyone,

Today has run the full lap of experiences. I had joy playing and hugging with my grandson. I got to give my granddaughter some grandma tummy time, which for her is like a fluffy pillow. I think I got the fluffy belly down REAL good. I got to see my favorite daughter in law. I had an opportunity to encourage someone I love deeply to remind her that she's worth taking a stand for. I had an unexpected anonymous gift in the mail. I'm hoping that whoever sent the gift reads this and knows how much my day was blessed both by the gift and the message that came with it. You know who you are and I pray for blessings upon blessings for you. There has also been some physical pain and discomfort which keeps me humble.

I really do live a good life. I wish I appreciated it more. Sometimes, I have these moments of such clarity and it reminds me that this life is not my forever home. In a way, I'm kind of like one of the millions of children who are in foster homes and group homes waiting for their forever family. The trials and tribulations they endure during the journey, makes the destination that much sweeter. As an adopted child of God, I'm anxious sometimes for my forever home and family. But then, things like today happen and I'm reminded once again that we (the church) are His arms, His legs, His heart, His instruments to assist others when the opportunity is made known to us. My prayer is that I keep my ears open and my mouth shut so I may know what my Lord would have me do in any given time or place.

Therein lies the problem; keeping silent so I may hear what plans there are for me. I'm reminded A LOT that I need to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow. There are so many daily reminders that even though I have not reached my final destination, I know the Pilot personally and He is by far the best there is. He loves me. He loves you too. This evening I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite verses from the book of Psalms 46:10 which states "Be still, and know that I am God." Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Love, Patty

Nice game, nice life

Good Morning Everyone,

I know, I'm still being difficult. It's just with another grandchild, my little miss Emma, I'm juggling more than one. You know, I never thought that I had this much love in me. It feels like this is life. Am I okay with how it's coming along? I don't really have the answer to that question yet. Right now, I actually have a court date for my disability through SSI. It's been a couple of years, but have spent this entire year without funds of my own. It's amazing how the extras get taken care of.

There is a question that I think everyone needs to answer, "Am I okay with how my life is coming along?". What would I change? I really hadn't asked myself that question. The obvious answers are getting income again, obtaining a reliable vehicle and pretty much revolving my life around the lives of my 3 kids and their 2 kids with a third one on the way. Her due date is my birthday. They're hoping for a girl but Paxton will be a great big brother anyway you look at it.

But wait, there's still things I wanted to do. I wanted to learn to paint a landscape with oils. I want to try my hand at photography. I think I take GREAT pics. I'll put some up here soon. I'd love to try sculpture or join a reading group with the classics. I've thought about so many things that I thought I'd have an opportunity to still try. I'd love to go abroad and see some of Europe. Truthfully, I'd love to see more than Europe. But I also fight anything outside of the routine. What's a woman to do?

It is strange. Yesterday, my ex-husband came back into town to see the kids and his dad I assume and he got to meet his new granddaughter. Seeing the picture of him takes me back to the music I liked when we were in high school and were dating. He was my best friend for so long. I really miss him. I'm not saying that I don't want his marriage to work. I'm just saying I miss my friend. My kids father. I wish we could have gone through these changes together (in the same room, not necessarily together).

This weekend really brought back a lot of feelings about family and the past and how it's all connected somehow and weaves a beautiful tapestry that is the makings of my life. I guess I just wanted to say, I've missed everyone.....even the ones I haven't actually met.

Until next time, I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses in Romans 12: 1-2 "I urge you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

Until we meet again, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True........and I hope you like the pictures I included after this. Love, Patty

Nebraska Football: It's a beautiful thing!!

Hello, I'll get up in the morning and get you up to date. Tonight this is all I have. :-p

Time? Who has time?

Good Morning Everyone,

Another day is upon me and once again I have much to say. :-) Today I have my grandson Pax coming. Once again my joy will be full. My arms, legs, body in general will be taxed, but my joy will be full. It makes me wish I was able to bond with my other 3 grandchildren like I've been able to bond with Pax and Emma. I hope they know that even though we're miles apart, I DO love them. We've never really been able to spend much time together. I digress, please forgive me. However, it does apply here. I'm talking about time. The time spent to develop a relationship is imperative in order for there to even be a relationship. Other than family. I have family I've never met. I can honestly tell you that through social media I've been able to get to know some of them a little....not near enough to suit me but, that's obviously not able to happen right now.

What about waiting? Time spent waiting for something we NEED to happen. I have been at the mercy of family this entire year. I've been told by my attorney that before the year is over, I will have my disability through Social Security. In the meantime, I'm still at the mercy of my loved ones. It's like being a child again without being able to play. Once again, a child with a grown up mind. During this "time" I've learned a lot about humility, forgiveness, picking my battles, dependence, patience, the difference between wants and needs, trust issues, you name it and I've battled with it this year.

It will come as no surprise when I say, I'm desperately looking forward to being able to care for my own monetary needs. Not having to depend on someone to get me to the store will be a huge blessing as well. You can safely assume, I'm anxious for this to be over. I have learned a great deal through this. I can't say that I'd do it the same if I had it to do over but, it has been very enlightening. One of the biggest lessons has been to depend more on my heavenly Father, actually my only father. He does provide for my needs. It's scary but, it has increased my faith in Him. Unfortunately, I'm also scared to spend too much time with Him. I'm afraid He'll tell me to "wait on His timing for my benefits to come through, He has more to teach me through this time". As if by avoiding the conversation, I don't have to know the reality that He is in control. I'm still fearful. Sometimes I think He thinks I can handle a gripload of troubling times, because there have been so many. How strong do I have to be? Or, how weak do I have to be? When will this be completed? I guess only He knows the timing for the best outcome.

Today I leave you with one of those verses that's more of a discouragement to me sometimes, but truth is truth and in Acts 1:7 "He said to them, "It is not for you to know times or epochs which the Father has fixed by His own authority;"" in verse 8 He goes on to tell of the power that will be made available with the coming of the Holy Spirit, but I think that verse 7 is true for most everything. Only He knows what is in store for any of us. I'm thankful He's on my side. Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True. Love, Patty

Where is your treasure??

Good afternoon all,

I don't know if I've ever shared that I'm a collector of sorts. I love old beautiful vases and pitchers and crystal and etc. Every year my sister and I attend the annual rummage sale that benefits the hospital in the small town outside of Omaha that I currently live in. On the last day, Sunday, they have a bag sale and anything that can fit in the bag goes. The bags this year were the same old 13 gallon kitchen garbage kind and cost $4.00 each or three of them for $10.00. We spent $20.00 and had 6 bags to fill. Two of these bags were mine to fill. My favorite section is always the "Notions". I got some very old and beautiful pieces and was very lucky to grab these finds. I also grabbed other things as well, like curtains, rugs, books, some tupperware and the like. The problem then becomes.........where in the world am I going to display my new treasures?

Those of you who have read any of my previous posts knows that I have a grandson that is almost 1 y/o. He is a complete delight and is very active when he is at my apt. It's funny because most of those beautiful pieces I love so much end up being put away so they don't get broke. My grandson has an eye for the same things I like and loves to get his little hands on them. He's also realized that grandma moves pretty quick if you try to grab some of these things as well as the leaves on my plants. So, being as necessity is the mother of most inventions, I've learned some rather unorthodox ways to keep them safe. So far, they are effective but he learns faster than I can create.

My point is not just useless banter. All of these "pretty things" are pleasing to the eye and can change a room from just a room into a place that is warm and inviting. The items a person chooses to display in their home says something about what type of person they are. A lot can be learned about a person by looking at the items they find comforting.

I guess it's no surprise then that right now my grandson is napping and my living room is scattered with his favorite toys, DVD's and basically anything else that he enjoys playing with. For some reason, these items are comforting. When he leaves this evening I'll pick up his toys and put things where they should be, but in the meantime.........this is comforting. I'd rather have toys all over my floor and a happy and playful grandchild then a clean and orderly house any day of the week, twice on Sundays.  :-)

Today, I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite verses of the Bible in the book of Matthew 6:21, "for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

I do love my pretty things, but I'd rather have them in a closet than to have to spend my time with him keeping him away from things. I want to enjoy my time and play peek-a-boo and ball and dance with him. The memories are worth far more than any purchase regardless of cost. Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True.........Patty

Family

Hello, long time no hear, I know,

I've been a bit selfish with my time. I have 2 new grandbabies and one more coming in May. I feel so entirely blessed right now. But, unfortunately........I seem unable to appreciate the small things in life that DO bring me joy. This has been my year of learning humility, trust, appreciation for family and all that comes with that word. The amazing birth of my newest grandchild, is a girl brought to me by my daughter. Three generations just being together. It's brought out this love that has truly astounded me.

Then, in a short conversation, I am cut down. So many times I find myself looking back and realizing what an unhappy upbringing I had and how deeply I want more for my kids and my grandchildren. Some really awful things have happened over the years. While I try to be appreciative, pain seems to be hard-wired into my body and my life. 

I'm still waiting to be approved for Social Security Disability. In the meantime, I have my sister who has so graciously provided for my needs. She will be paid back monetarily, but I'll never be able to pay her back for not even blinking an eye when it came to helping me. I love you Michelle.....I love all of my sisters.. Melody I don't know where I would be without your funny personality and your ability to always make me laugh when we're together.....driving down main street with your Darth Vader mask on, yelling at people on the sidewalk "I am your father".......singing Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen in front of goodwill. We've had some great times. Valerie, my mother in so many ways. You're still the one I go to when I need good advice and perspective. You all have truly made your mark.....minus the baby of the family, our sister Melinda. Too much loss, way too much loss.

I guess I'm having a bittersweet day. I'm reminded of pain, both physical and mental pain. I'm reminded of how beautiful life is, my children, my grand-children have provided me with the joy I so desperately need. And they give it without even trying. I'm writing this and as the words are seen on the screen I am slowly gaining what I truly needed today. Perspective.......the ability to accept what you can't change, change what you can and the wisdom to know the difference. I know that's a poem or prayer of sorts that is said at 12 step meetings around the globe but to me, that prayer at least the beginning of it is the definition of perspective. 

Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses taken from John 16:1 words written in red "These things I have spoken to you, that you may be kept from stumbling." Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Patty

How do I make others feel?

Hello Everyone,

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past. You know the old saying, "If I had a dime for everytime I _____, I'd be the richest person I know". Yeah, I could say that if I had a dime for every mistake I made I'd be a rich woman. But I'd be rich only in dollars. Our mistakes are what makes us grow. Unfortunately, I've grown both deep and wide.....humor......where would we be without it? Recently I found on facebook a song by Simon and Garfunkel that was redone by "Celtic Thunder's Keith Harkin and Colm Keegan". They are such handsome men, but more than that. They did the song better than the first time around. The song has always been one of my favorites, titled...."Sounds of Silence". If you get a chance, it's on Youtube also, you should listen to their version. You won't be disappointed.

It's easy to look at these guys and have that schoolgirl thing come up.....you know, the heart beats faster and you're wanting to listen to the song over and over again. Good grief, I'm 50 years old. I cannot go back and Lord knows I wouldn't even if I could. There is no way I would ever choose to start over. Even if I knew what I now know. The richest of lives, live in the mistakes. We grow more when things aren't going well. We grow more when things are bad, not good. I hate to think of a life without the children I have. I say that because if I had it to do over, I wouldn't have married my first husband. Hence, I wouldn't have the children I have. They'd be different and I'd have never had the chance to learn so much as they grew up. As we grew up. I think we did that together, me and my kids. I don't think I really went through my adolescent years until I was in my 30's.

I think it's important to remember the positive things that have occurred and not all the bad. I realize as my daughter's belly continues to grow with her daughter Emma, just how blessed I am. Somewhere in here I know I had a point. I guess when all is said and done, we should ask ourselves when we're dealing with a difficulty, "In five years, will this situation matter?". So many times we put a great deal of emphasis on how we feel and not on how we make others feel. I believe that is what I REALLY need to work on.  Until next time, remember, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Love, Patty

The important things I leave behind

Good Afternoon Everyone,

The other day my youngest son Ben brought over my grandson to spend the day. Paxton, my grandson was getting tired and at 8 1/2 months wouldn't just close his eyes and go to sleep. So Ben does what any good dad would do. He put his son on his chest and walked around gently bouncing him. Paxton who is fighting this procedure was trying his best to stay awake by making noises that sounded like he was singing. It was beautiful. I told Ben that I was unable to get Paxton to sleep that way. He told me neither could anyone else. Then he said, "I love it". He loves being the only person that can put his son to sleep that way. I have never been so proud to be Ben's mother.

Then last night I have my daughter Mary and my other son Isaac over. It amazes me how they are growing up. Mary is pregnant with my granddaughter Emma and we are all anticipating her arrival mid September. I am so incredibly blessed to have my children close by. I get to babysit Paxton regularly and while it is difficult and I usually pay for it physically. He is worth it every step of the way. I guess I'm just feeling especially blessed today. And proud of what I have accomplished. I wasn't the best parent at all. My kids have done well despite the mistakes I made. They continue to grow every time I see them.

I saw this little thing on facebook about being careful what we tell ourselves because our brains will believe what we tell it and respond accordingly. That is so true. We are like computers, we can only give according to whats been given. If we feed ourselves with nothing but negative self talk, then we are only going to be able to accomplish what we believe about ourselves. Does that make sense? My sister and I were discussing this the other day and I wondered aloud what my true purpose was supposed to be before I went and screwed everything up. She reminded me that my choices were known long before I made them. I know this to be true. But, don't you ever look back and wish that The Lord would have intervened and told you that this choice would mess up the future that was planned for you? I know I wish I would have listened to that still quiet voice. He (The Lord) was there talking to me, I just didn't listen. I'm listening now! Unfortunately the past can't be fixed, but my future can be. My God is much bigger than my choices. He can take the stupid mistakes I made into beautiful works of art. I see this to be true in the lives of my children.

Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses in Phillipians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True.....Love, Patty

Clean up that room, young lady!!!!

Good Evening Everyone,

I know it's a strange time for me to write a blog, but I guess I am strange, so there. Today, there was a time that I and someone else spent looking back over the years and the changes that have occurred. I thought a lot about my childhood and my oldest sister who is to this day my "go to" person whenever I need to straighten out my head. This blog was originally started because somewhere in this crazy head of mine, I actually thought I had some smalls pieces or "nuggets" of experience that I could share that might help someone gain perspective on issues they're having. Yeah, that's not exactly what's been going on lately.

Usually you can tell how healthy my head is by looking at the state of my living arrangements. Does that ever happen to you? I find that if my room is a mess, chances are.....so am I. If my space is cluttered, that usually means my mind is too. Maybe that's why I only have family around. LOL I consider myself an open book, but now I think that's overstated. I think I'm leaning toward the "can't touch me" individual who ends up lonely and angry with the world. That is not at all what I want. Hopefully there will be an easier way for me to have lasting peace. Perhaps I should spend more time with the Creator. That usually sets me in a firm place. Now, knowing this makes me wonder, why don't I go to Him more often? I guess I know the answer to that but it just seems so difficult sometimes. Why is the easiest thing sometimes the most difficult. Humbling ourselves in the presence of a holy God is not a difficult task, but where He leads us to after that, is a whole other blog.

I really don't have anything more to say, other than to remember John 13:34 "A new commandment I give unto you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another." It sounds so simple, in the mean time, until we meet again, please remember to Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Love, Patty

I should just LET IT GO, right?

Good Afternoon Everyone,

I wasn't going to write a blog today, but I have something just spinning in my head and it HAS to come out, one way or the other. As an adult, I have friends, some male, some female. We can go months without speaking, some much longer. But, when we think of this person, we give a call or a shout out on social media sites, etc and say hello, how is everything going, we should grab some coffee and catch up sometime. This has not been a problem since I was in high school (obviously we didn't have the social media access of today).

I had someone this week block my emails and such because I didn't want to talk to them several times a day. It was only on the phone a couple of times the rest was all emails. I started to feel guilty because this person was acting like I was ignoring them if I didn't respond right away. Sometimes they had to wait a day before I would see the email, then respond. Definitely not 2 days, nevertheless, they took offense when I attempted to point this out. I may have overstated my problem, but basically I was feeling a little uncomfortable. It's too bad though. This person has a lot to offer in the way of friendship. I feel bad I was not able to fill whatever void they had.

The other issue just running through my head is that I am self-centered at times. It's something I'm trying to be more aware of and work on. I pray to have it pointed out to me when I do get caught up in myself. It's NOT like I think I'm all that or that my life experiences are any more difficult than the next persons. However, I can't walk a mile in someone else's shoes, only my own. I love getting on social media sites and look through what others have posted and it usually puts me back in line. Seeing what others struggle with is usually a humbling experience. Frankly, my shoes are more comfortable, because they fit my feet, ya know?

Today I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite verses in James 3:17 "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy." I wish to all of you who take my time to read my ramblings be blessed beyond measure even if I'm blocked by email. Be Kind, Be Wise, Be True, Love Patty

News everyone could use.......my thanks to "Dorkdad" whoever you are

Good Morning Everyone,

This is starting out to be a great day. I read something this morning that I'd like to share with you. These are 20 things every father should share with their daughter. I don't know who the author is other than "Dorkdad" but I truly believe they should be available for others to share with their daughters.

1) Pay attention to the way a man loves his mother. That is the way he will love you.

2) You can do anything a man can do, including organic chemistry, unclogging toilets and assembling IKEA furniture.

3) Older women wear makeup so THEY can look like YOU. Less is more. A lot less is a lot more.

4) People will judge you by the way you look. It isn’t fair, but it’s the way the world works. Keep that in mind as you pick your outfit in the morning.

5) Never let anyone do your thinking for you. There are far too many people with far too much invested in you believing what they believe.

6) Liberal arts grow your mind. Science and business keep you fed. You will need both.

7) Nothing is more attractive than intelligence.

8) Learn to drive a stick-shift.

9) Get comfortable with power tools.

10) You don’t have to enjoy them, but have a working knowledge of the rules for football and baseball.

11) Know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, and they key players in both.

12) You don’t have to *DO* anything for someone to love you. The right person will cross a desert just for the chance to sit next to you at lunch.

13) Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you’ll never have to “fit in”. People will come to you.

14) The fastest way to strain a relationship with a man is to bring up old drama. We can’t remember to hang up the bath towel. What makes you think we remember that stupid thing we did 6 months ago?

15) If a man genuinely loves you, he will let you set the boundaries. Don’t let anyone take something from you they can’t give back. You set the tone for the sexual relationship.

16) Feminie hygiene products — Where our daughters are concerned, we would be very happy sticking our fingers in our ears and saying “lalalalalalalala”. Please respect our need to pretend they, and the reason for them, do not exist. The same goes for lacy underthings.

17) You were flawless the day you were born. If you must go get that first tattoo, please consider inviting your daddy to come and get his first tattoo with you.

18) You are perfect the way you roll out of bed. Let’s be clear: all that crap you do to “get out the door” is for everyone else’s benefit.

19) Though he may be smiling on the outside, when you leave for college your father is falling apart on the inside. Don’t forget to call him that first night to tell him you love him.

20) Compare every single boy you ever meet to your daddy. Nobody will love you like he does.

-DD

I want to take the opportunity to thank Dorkdad for sharing these.  I loved it. I know it's past Father's Day but my dad's been gone for more than 40 years and don't think my daughter ever heard these. It's good for sons to read too......something they should know to share once they become a daddy to a little girl. 

Until next time, Be Kind, Be Wise, Be True, Love, Patty 

Trying to peek over the fence

Good Morning Everyone,

I don't think it's a secret that things have been difficult for me lately. There are so many changes happening all at once and most of the time, I have no idea what the next change will be. Or how those changes will effect me. I know that I should be more thankful than I am. I am thankful, very thankful. That doesn't mean that this year has been easy for me. I really dislike that I use this blog as my therapy. But, it is my therapy. I learned this at the first job I had working with people in crisis. I found that the more I helped others, the healthier I was becoming. This also has the opposite effect. When I isolate myself away from others, I'm not helping anyone or myself. Isolating makes my issues more obvious and painful. It really makes me wish I had some sort of interaction with the public so I am not just writing for writings sake. Do you know what I'm trying to say?

It's kind of like when they say that to forgive someone is not for the benefit of the one being forgiven, the benefit falls onto the person who does the forgiving. It is a sort of Karma, or what goes around, come around, or you reap what you sow. It's a thought that seems to transcend religion. Unless I'm mistaken, it's a belief that most "faiths" pretty much agree on.

Lately it feels like something is changing and I can't put my finger on it. There is a restlessness that is there yet I don't want to leave my apt. The extra something is not just effecting me. It seems to be touching everyone who visits for any amount of time. There's a heaviness and it just drains every bit of energy I have. I'm having difficulty enjoying any of the things I've enjoyed in the past. Yes I'm well aware that depression is basically what I just described. Hey I'm doing my part, I'm sharing my thoughts, I'm willing to help others if I'm physically healthy. Do you want to hear what's really horrible?? When I'm having one of these days when I can't use the restroom without looking like someone with narcolepsy......It's a good thing I don't know any drug users anymore, I think I would have a hard time saying no to that kind of energy. Thankfully The Lord protects me from myself. I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite verses in the Book of Ephesians 2:8-10 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, that no one should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, love, Patty

Help I've fallen and I can't get up

Good Morning Everyone,

This has been a strange week. Have you been having a similar week? Friday I had a Dr. appt for a medication check and found out I've gained back the weight I lost when I first moved back to Blair so, yeah, that was exciting news. Then, since I don't have a washer and dryer I had taken a load of clothes to my sisters place to wash. I was carrying them outside to the car and basically tripped over a cat I was trying to avoid. Somewhere in that mess, I forgot all about the step coming out of her door and fell onto the concrete porch of hers. The weird thing is, the basket broke my fall and other than just basically setting off a fibromyalgia flare-up, there have so far been no bruising or anything. Which for me is amazing. I can bruise just thinking about bumping something.....clearly I'm joking but you get my point.

Anyway, this seems to be my week of disappointing people. My daughter got very upset with me when I refused to go to the E.R. or the walk in clinic to be checked out. I understand her frustration because she lost her grandmother due to the exact same circumstance.....falling while carrying a basket of clothes. So, I haven't seen or heard from my daughter for a couple of days. I'm hoping if I leave her be for a few days she'll forgive me for not following her advice. She was just worried and I understand that. I've also not been online a lot lately and therefore haven't written a blog in a week or so.....more disappointment. Then there is someone else that is upset with me and I honestly don't have any idea why. Now THAT is frustrating.

I haven't really been given a chance to just rest after my fall, so today that is my goal. I'm going to stay in my room, avoid the world and pray that I manage to not upset everyone again. So, if there is anyone who may or may not be expecting something from me today, I'm letting you know in advance, I probably will be letting you down today.

Before I close this post, I have a prayer request. My son and daughter in law are in need of a car since theirs was totaled in the hail storm. Please pray that they can get an affordable loan and a good reliable car. Thank you so much. I would like to leave you with one of my favorite verses in Psalms 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way." I know it's not the first time I've used these 2 verses, but they are a couple of my favorite verses. Believe me when I say, that most of the time, the verses out of the bible I share, are verses I myself need to hear. Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Patty

I do believe somethings a brewin

Good Morning Everyone,

Have you ever woke up with that weird kind of feeling that's almost dream, almost reality? I do, on occasion have that twilight sleep when I'm trying to wake up. This is different though. All day yesterday, I've had this unrest. I'll try to explain it, but hopefully you'll understand what I'm attempting to write down. It's just that for the past few days, I have felt like I'm forgetting something.....important something. I have no idea what it is. I keep going on and doing what I usually do but something is off. Do you know what I mean?

I wish much like the rest of humanity to have the ability to always make the best decisions at all times. Fortunately that just isn't how it works and for good reason. We may think we know what's best for us but in reality, for reasons that remain unknown, had a different choice been made. Then nothing would be as it is. And where we are right now then, must be exactly how things are supposed to be.....right?

Ok, on to a less irksome subject. What do you, my friends and family think about a little story that occurred this morning. I fell asleep after having dinner with my daughter and her fiancee' and they came in and told me they were leaving. I was awake and no problem....right? The next I know, I'm being woke up at 5:50am by someone trying to get into the front door. At first I thought maybe it was my daughter in law bringing my grandson. So I waited a few minutes, finally I open my eyes and realize my bedroom light is on.....very strange, I get up and all the lights in the living room are on and get this.........the door was unlocked. I locked it and shut off the lights, but it took me a little bit to get back to sleep. What that was......I have NO idea, however, I will be making sure I actually get up to shut things down if I have my kids here around my bedtime.

This morning I leave you with one of my favorite verses out of Ephesians 2:18-22 "for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built upon the foundation of the apoltles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building , being fitted together is growing into a holy temple in the Lord; in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit."

I don't know if those verses fit, but that's where I was led. Until I write again, please be kind, be wise and be true to each other. Love, Patty

Love is not a dirty word

Good Morning Everyone,

As we begin a new day, I hope to also have a new attitude, a new and shiny bright outlook for this coming weekend. But, the carnival is in town. I don't do well with all the fanfare and noise. I'm thankful that I don't live right next to it like my sister does. It would be different if my children were still children, but they are adults now and no longer come to me for the $20 I don't have anymore so they can ride the rides and play the games. It's funny, I went to high school here and I don't remember the carnival at that age. I do remember riding the Ferris Wheel, the first time I got pregnant. That was not a wise choice. That ride scares the bejesus out of me.

When my kids were little, it was always a fun time. The parade was a highlight of the summer beginning. We would pack up some chairs and find a place to sit along the parade route and the kids would bag as much candy as they could. They didn't throw out as much candy back then as they do now. Kids today, literally need a bag to hold it all. My kids were okay with their pants pockets or my purse. Actually, I'm sure their dad handled that after the divorce. As he always had them on Saturdays, I had them on Fridays. Those poor kids, what a mess divorce causes for the kids. I wish once again that I knew then what I know now. So many things would have been different.

I still fight the same issues about myself that I fought then. I struggle with my self-esteem and have trust issues. The only difference being that now I don't try to control anymore. I have finally learned that I can't change anyone. Everyone is in charge of their own choices. I no longer fear what others choose, even if it's not me. That one lesson was the hardest for me to learn. Now I fear getting involved in another relationship. I fear that those same feelings of neediness will return. I have so many walls up when it comes to the thought of a romantic relationship. I don't think anyone is capable of scaling them. I have resigned myself to spending my remaining years alone. Most of the time, that doesn't bother me. Sometimes, it really does.

I'm open to friendship. I have learned over the years that it's not possible to love someone if you don't know them. If someone feels like they love someone but have not gotten to know them, then that is probably lust or fear of being alone. I am 50 years old. If I'm going to spend the rest of my years with someone, it better be with someone I like and enjoy being with. It sounds so simple doesn't it. It is actually, but you have to be patient. It takes time getting to know someone. Especially when you have no income and no vehicle.  LOL.
My walls are not that large. I may have overstated that before. I'm open to what the Lord has in store for me. I know that if a relationship is to truly last, they are going to have to get to me through Him. He is the creator of love. If He approves, then who am I to deny that? I wouldn't even try. I'm done fighting, even with the Lord. His ways are slowly and I do mean slowly, becoming my destination.

Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses in Ephesians 4:22-24 "That, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth."  You got to love Ephesians. There are so many good verses to choose from.

Be wise, Be kind, Be true to yourself and others and everything will fall into place. Love, Patty

The storm from within and the storm in the sky

Good Morning Everyone,

Yesterday was such an adventurist day. It started out simple enough, my sister and I walked her dogs and checked out the two thrift stores in town. Then it's time to head into Omaha to pick up my other sister. Now, by this time, I've already had more than enough exercise and it's not even noon yet. So, we get my sister and I home and now it's time to move this solid oak, beautiful dresser top mirror. Heavy as you can imagine. Well there was only two of us to move it and it couldn't be my sister. She had back surgery just a couple of weeks ago and is still recuperating. So, thankfully my future son-in-law steps up and helps me take it up the steps to our apartment. Ouch.....did I say OUCH, because I had the most agonizing pain shoot right up from my lower back on the left side through to the center of my lower back, and up it went.

But wait, there's more. I was sitting there at my desk, looking through all the notifications on my computer that I'd missed during the day. Just minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear this knocking sound on the windows and I realize we are getting pounded with hail......did not expect this.....I was busy earlier and had no idea we had rough weather coming our way. Besides, Blair almost never gets the bad stuff. No problem, right?! NOT!! It's fortunate for my sister and I that we live on the 2nd floor because all of the people downstairs along the west side of the building had all their windows broke out. Four out of five vehicles in the parking lot had windows broken. My sister's windshield got spider-webbed. I can honestly say that I've been in and out of Blair since my high school years, back in the dark ages...lol.....and I have NEVER seen it hit this bad in Blair. I still have a piece of hail in the freezer that's a fairly good size and I picked it up a good 20 minutes after the storm had passed, so you know it had to have melted some during that time. The weird thing is, I was afraid. I never get scared during storms. I usually get an adrenaline rush. I believe this stems from my young formative years when my dad was still alive and he would put us all in the car and we would drive all over chasing tornadoes. I was brought up to find them fascinating, not scary. But, there wasn't a tornado warning, just very high winds and large hail. Could have fooled me.

My other sister had all her windows in her little house broken out and the rear window of her car has baseball size holes in it. She is devastated. She jokes that now her car is dimpled like her behind....lol, she always manages to see the funny side of things. I love you Mel.

Needless to say, my body has responded to the physical stress and also the mental stress of last nights storms. But my grandson Pax, should be here soon and I look forward to having my mind taken off my physical body pain right now. His smile lights up my entire day. It's moments like that, makes me thankful to be alive. I try pretty hard to not sweat the small stuff. Sometimes I succeed and other times I fail miserably. I'm going to try to post a picture of the piece of hail I picked up, so hopefully I don't mess that up. Regardless, I would like to share with you one of my favorite verses out of the book of Psalms 91:1-2 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!""

Until next time, be wise, be kind, be true and never fear what may come your way, The Lord is able to keep you in perfect peace, regardless of the circumstances......if you allow Him. Love each other, Love, Patty

I never really liked me, until I learned who I am

Good Morning Everyone,

So far this year, which is almost half over, has been my year of learning how to receive and still have joy. I know that sounds strange to some of you. But, when you've spent your life giving to your kids and spouses and even as a kid, not having the necessities of life, it's not easy to receive. I've had one person to count on most of my life.....or so I thought.....which I thought was me. I was so wrong. I led me more astray than the worst of villains. I denied myself the necessities of life. I have never really liked me, until I learned who I am.

It's been obvious who my various roles have been. I know I'm a mother, a sister, a grandmother, a friend, but I haven't considered myself a child for a very long time. But, I am a child. I'm a child of God and He sees me as the apple of His eye. He is especially fond of me, much like everyone else. The thing is though, it is personal, very personal. He doesn't just love mankind, all humans and animals, He loves ME, just as I am. I'm pretty sure they wrote a song about that. lol.

I know this sounds so elementary to most of you.....and it is. It's so simple a child can understand it. Children automatically know they are special unless you've treated them different. They are born knowing how to receive love and care. I don't think that's a coincidence either. When I consider the significance of that, it's staggering. Having my grandson Paxton a few times a week is teaching me more about love than any book ever could, even the Bible. I'm a hands on learner. Some things I can learn by reading, but most things for me is hands on. You can't just show me the instructions of a software program and expect me to use it right away. But, working with the program at the same time I'm reading is most effective. Maybe that's why The Lord has chosen this particular time to teach me something new. He's teaching me how to receive by His Word and by example....my grandson. I think maybe I have never loved before, other than my children and grandchildren, and that's because they are so easy to love. But, I've never really allowed myself to give and receive at the same time, at least not as an adult. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I have loved before, but I don't think I've loved as I was intended to love.

I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite verses in Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."

I pray today that your yoke is light and that you receive as a child would, the joy that is set before you. Until next time, love each other, Love, Patty

Love vs. Fear, hmmmmm

Good morning everyone,

I actually have a thought today I'd like to talk about. Fear, how it damages us and changes how we should be handling a situation and therefore controls us in many areas of our lives.

Fear has been pretty dominate in my life recently. As many of you know, I've been waiting for over a year to be approved for disability for my medical issues. I have an attorney for my final stages and need prayers for a court date soon please. But wait, that's not all......I've also have had no income this entire year. I've had to make some sacrifices that have been difficult. Thankfully, I have a sister who is providing for all my needs right now. Believe me, it's a humbling experience.

There are more than personal reasons to have fear. All you've got to do is open your ears for a minute or two before you hear about wars, wars and rumors of wars. Our economy is in the worst shape in our history. As a nation, we should be embarrassed. I'm referring to our fighting each other.....our government and how corrupt it has become. We have so much crime and our morals have been corrupted. All you have to do is watch a little television to figure that out. It makes you wonder how much longer we can hold out as a nation before we come the United States of "fill in the blank"......which I imagine would be the country we owe the most to financially.

I fear for my children and my grandchildren and the kind of life they have to live in order to survive. We're being forced to feed ourselves with preservatives and all kinds of toxic ingredients because they're cheaper to buy. I know personally, if I was able, or even had a home instead of an apt, would have a garden and would learn how to can or freeze what I sowed. If I was able, which I'm not.....physically. Now I'm just rambling and what if's never helped anyone. However, it is scary.

I have fear, but I also have faith. And LOVE trumps fear every single time. I'm not sure if many of you are aware, but usually when I'm trying to convey a thought or some insight to you who read my blogs, it's because it's what I need to hear at the moment. This morning, I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite verses out of John, words written in red, read in chapter 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world."

I know I read it somewhere, that perfect love cast out fear......we are incapable of that kind of love without the love of God. Please continue to pray for me for depression, fear, pain and that I will be approved for medical assistance through the state very soon (this looks very hopeful to me, which would cast out a lot of fear, believe me). I want you to know if you ever have a prayer request, feel free to comment or send me an email at pattyinomaha@gmail.com or psimb@yahoo.com and I'll do my best. With love, Patty

We aren't promised tomorrow, love today

Good morning everyone,

Yesterday was Memorial Day and I didn't do anything at all. I had my grandson in the morning and had my daughter later that day. In between, I read, slept, slept some more and then was woke up by family coming over. You know, I wonder about how family treats each other. It makes me wonder, we set a whole day to remember those who have fallen to save our country. It is a day worth remembering. Although, I can't help but wonder what rights the soldier died for?

So much of what this country was based on, no longer applies. We pay taxes, we pay into social security with each check, during our whole working lives. Now why didn't they use my hard earned money responsibly? If I would have taken out just as much and put it in the bank that the government required me to take out, I probably would have a boatload of cash right now. The problem is that after the government takes their share, there just isn't enough left over to stash away for later. Every penny is needed.

I'm going to stop the complaining against the government right now. However, what I have found is that we as a family, a literal family, treat each other as disposable. Don't worry about being kind to family, somebody will make more. We take a whole day to memorialize the dead, but yet walk all over those whose blood we share. I say this because I have family that I don't talk to. I have my reasons and I'm not going to call anyone out, not that they read this anyway, but still.....it just makes me sad because we used to be kind of close once.

All I'm really trying to say is to treat each other the way you would want to be treated. It seems like a simple thing. Yet, it's something we struggle with every day of our lives. Maybe because we don't treat ourselves very well. Maybe it's because we've chosen to believe the lie that we aren't worthy of being taken care of, or loved or to have someone sacrifice for us as one person. Just you, somebody thinking you're worth dying for, or fighting for, or taking care of you, or loving you.

I leave you with one of my favorite verses found in Psalms 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way." Please, try to be kind to each other. We don't live forever in this life. We miss each other when we die. So love each other today.  Love, Patty

Hey, remember me??

Good Morning Everyone,

It's been a while since I've written to you. I hope you accept my apologies if you've missed my musings. Today is rainy and very foggy....that kind of sounds like me. LOL. I don't really have a specific subject I want to talk about. It's more just thoughts that have been running through my head. I hope you bear with me on another basically pointless blog.

I've been going through boxes of stuff and finding all kinds of things that are going to go to a yard sale here in the small town I moved to almost a year ago. I know I'm known as pattyinomaha, but now I'm pattyinblair. And next weekend they are having a city wide garage sale. I had planned to go and see these garage sales, but instead I'm having one with my sister. We have so much stuff to get rid of...I'm amazed by how many things I thought were important have earned their way into the yard sale box.

Today, as I mentioned is rainy and foggy, but it's also thundering.....it is going to be a difficult day to stay out of bed. In fact, what was that? Yep, I thought so, that was my bed calling my name. You can bet I will be staying close to it today. Everybody laughs about the weather in NE. It's always been, wait 10 minutes, it'll change. Sometimes that's true, but not always.

I had a sister that just got home yesterday after having extensive back surgery. She's doing very well so I thank all of you who prayed for her and who continue to pray for me. It means a lot and it does help, I promise. Please continue to pray that I get a court date soon for my disability. It's been over a year and I desperately need to have some sort of income coming in. Not really because we're not getting by, but because the pain has increased so much and I need to be able to have things looked at and I can't afford it. My basic needs are being taken care of and I'm SO incredibly thankful for my sister.

Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest."

Until next time, please treat each other kindly. We live in a broken world with broken people. We all could use a little kindness. Love, Patty

I get by with a little help from my Meds....

Good Morning Everyone,

As many of you know, I struggle with chronic pain brought on my Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis, Depression and PTSD. There, that's all of them laid out for you. There are some days that I appear to be normal. Actually, most days I appear normal, unless you count the days that I look hunched back. I think there are a lot of people, Doctors included who have no idea what Fibromyalgia actually is. I think that's because it's many different symptoms, which can appear random. But, if you're educated on the illness, you would realize that fibromyalgia or fibro as I usually refer to it, follows along the nerves in your body. So wherever you have nerves, you can potentially have pain there. There are nerves all over our body. There are days when I can point to a SPOT on my head that hurts deeply. Other days, my arms are just in so much pain. But, It's always in my lower back and my knees......always. This would be due to the other illnesses.

What makes these physical things difficult is that I also suffer from Depression and occasionally, PTSD, which is post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is usually reserved for people coming back from war. I believe that's where the term originated from. However, there are many of us that have had traumatic events both physically and mentally that have altered our lives in ways that have damaged us. I guess that's as good a way to put it as any. The amount of people that suffer from these silent, non-visual illnesses is climbing every day. Yet, most people will tell you in their helpful way to snap out of it......if you would just be more active you would feel better........let go, let God.......you look fine......all of these little sayings are from people who are trying to help....they think. Actually, it's more damaging. It makes those of us who suffer feel inadequate, like maybe they're right and that causes us to do too much, which of course, brings on another couple of days of recuperation. It's a viscous never-ending circle. When we feel good, we do too much, due to trying to catch up on all the things we weren't able to do for the previous who knows how many days.

All I really want to express here is to be aware. Sometimes people are suffering even though they're smiling. Sometimes, people are in a lot of pain, even though they are standing upright and walking around at the store. Sometimes, people are so emotionally drained after a night of nightmares, reliving some of our trauma that holding our end of a conversation is just too much.

It was not my intent to have anyone feel sorry for anyone, especially me. But, to educate you on what others, like me, might be enduring. Your helpful words can sometimes cause more pain. Sometimes a hug is more than a person can handle. Proceed with caution would be a good way to begin. Awareness can make all the difference in the world. Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses in Phillipians chapter 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." While this is true, it's not always in the timely fashion I would hope for. Take care of each other and don't neglect yourself. Love, Patty

We are called to be Holy

Good Morning Everyone,

This morning I opened my Bible to see what the Lord had in mind for me to write about. I have to tell you I'm just as surprised as you are. He sent me straight to I Peter 1:13-16, "Therefore, gird your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, 'YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY.'"  I say WOW to all that. It's not at all what I was expecting to write about. I'm not sure what to say after that.

There are a lot of days when I know exactly what I want to write about and even have written it the night before so it's ready in the morning to send. That's not what happened today. I woke up early, because I just haven't been very active. Therefore require less sleep.

Also, just to let you know, your prayers have helped my friend with getting the mortgage covered. Thank you for praying for that. The father in the hospital is waiting to find out which option would work better for him. Please continue to pray for wisdom for the Dr's and peace for the loved ones.

Okay, what about those verses? I'm just going to say the first thought I had after reading it. After the WOW. It is a call to action, "gird your minds for action" the action that Peter is referring to is to keep sober in spirit, fix your hope on His grace, do not be conformed to the former lusts, and finally, BE HOLY!! He's not asking a lot is he? In this day and age, where everyone has sex before marriage, where alcohol and drugs (in some states) are available everywhere. Everything we watch on the television is so unholy that I hate to admit to watching it at all. It makes me thankful for Netflix and VUDU so I truly can pick and choose what I watch. So, technology isn't so bad......all the time. Anyway, my point is that to be holy is not an easy action to take up. I'd like to say especially now with temptation at every door. It's not like it was say 100 years ago. Being holy then is not at all the same as it is today. I wonder if we'll be graded on the curve? Actually, I know we are, because Jesus already took care of the temptation for us. We just need to follow His example all the way through to the end.

But here's the thing, we Christians, decided when we first chose to trust, to take the road less traveled. There will not be anyone on that road cheering us on. Unless you look at what's inside of you. We are called to travel a different road than anyone else. Do you take that seriously? I can tell you in all honesty, I've struggled with that. But, I have not veered to far off the correct path. Sometimes we may feel we're miles from where we should be, but all it takes is one right move to put us back on the chosen path.

So, where are you headed today? Where am I headed today? I guess I'm going to need a cup of coffee to really get that part down. In the meantime, please continue to pray for my friend, myself and any thing else you can think of, like those in office. Until next time, take care of each other and that means you. Love, Patty

Be Wise and Pray!!

Good Morning Everyone,

I'm sorry about yesterday, but my grandson showed up pretty early and kept me REALLY busy most of the day. Today, I have a couple of observations that I'd like to just touch on really. Have you heard the phrase "what others think of you is none of your business"? To be honest, I hadn't even considered the concept until this past year. I still have a little difficulty keeping perspective on it. Personally, I have questions. Why is it none of my business? Should they even be talking about me? Why can't I know? Let's start with the first question. Why is it none of my business? Proverbs 18:15 can help with that, it states "The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge" So, in my opinion, what others think of you is basically gossip and is not profitable for anyone. I think it causes strife where strife is not necessary. We all have errant thoughts, they don't all have to be shared. So the second question, "Should they even be talking about me?" is answered with the same proverb. Is your ear seeking knowledge that is prudent and profitable? Is it news you can use? Probably not. I think the third question, "Why can't I know?" has already been answered, because it doesn't profit a man. Proverbs, once again, has a good response in Chapter 18:2 "A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind." This fool Proverbs is referring to is probably the original person you heard speaking of you in the first place.

I hope that made sense to someone because I woke up out of a sound sleep to write that. If you have difficulties understanding it, than my advice to you is to stick to the scripture and not my musings.

We truly are living in perilous times. None of us is safe from the consequences of our own actions, but also we can suffer from the actions of the people we elect to represent our views in government. I really believe that now more than ever, we need to pray for the people who make the decisions, who make the laws, who consider what is right and what is wrong. I have found if you have any questions about if something is right or wrong, all you have to do is go to The Lord, His Word will guide you to the correct path.

I have a prayer request if any of you are willing. I've asked for prayer for my depression and my pain. I want you to know that I feel those prayers. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Today though, I'm asking for prayer for a friend of mine. This person is a single parent trying to cover a hefty mortgage and is currently unable to work. Yesterday, this person's father was hospitalized. I don't know the reasons why, but I would ask you to pray for this parent's bills to be provided for and for healing for the father in the hospital. I know that none of us are going to live forever, unless Jesus comes before we die......that would be so cool. But, while we're here, we need to help each other through some of these tough spots. Providing prayer support is an important undertaking and for those of you willing, I truly thank you. You are prayer warriors, and that is a necessary fruit of the spirit.

Until next time, pray for one another and be good to each other, including yourself. Love, Patty

Random thoughts and other scary things.

Good Morning Everyone,

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to talk about today. I suppose I may have lost some of you yesterday due to the information I provided from my past. I hope that is not the case. I try very hard to be honest with others but that doesn't always have a positive outcome. Sometimes, people can't handle the truth. I think that's true for a lot of people. I, for one, appreciate truth. I'd rather be told one truth, then 5 lies to make me feel better. I'm very aware of my faults and I accept them. That doesn't mean I like them. It is what it is. You know?

I was reading this morning in the Bible and was reading John chapter 16.....there are so many good verses to take from that chapter alone. So much of what Jesus says is appropriate for today. II Timothy 3:16-17 says that "All scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work." That just kind of came to me out of the blue, it must mean that I need to go with that a little bit. There is so much going on with our world today. It's very scary times we live in. Wars and rumors of wars.....sound familiar? It should. Have courage, because this too shall pass. And as I've said before, I've read the Book and the good guys win.

I want to go back and clarify something about honesty. Honesty is important, but it also changes as we grow. Let me explain. I can look at someone and say they are not attractive upon meeting them. However, as you get to know someone, their inner beauty comes out and someone you wouldn't have been attracted to begin with, is suddenly someone you have come to love. I think it's important to take the time to get to know people. With all the dating sites out there and those little 5 minute meet and greet type things. How would you ever decide who you could love? All I'm saying is to take the time to know someone before you write them off. Friendship first creates a foundation that is not easily broken. You have to be able to know a person before you decide who they are to you.

Now, how do I bring all this random stuff together? Actually it's not random at all. These are things I'm thinking about. On the one hand, there is scripture which is there to help me make decisions for whatever questions I may have. On the other hand is all this scary stuff like wars and possibly dating. Believe me, both things are equally scary. But, if you put things in perspective it's not so scary. Jesus already said in John 16:1 "These things I have spoken to you that you may be kept from stumbling." That really is more important to me than anything else. We have the tools, but are we willing? Which translates into, I have the tools, and am I willing? I don't have to worry about what ever may come. I have the answers right in front of me. Not only for the big things, but the small things too. That's comforting for me to know. I pray it comforts you too.

Take care of each other, these are perilous times. We need each other. Love, Patty

Peace in the worst of times.......I am free indeed

Good Morning Everyone,

I want to wish all the Mother's out there a belated Happy Mother's Day. I hope yours was as relaxing as mine was. Honestly, I don't think mine could have been any more relaxed than it was. I had so much relaxation yesterday that I've been woke up with restless legs this morning. I dislike that very much.

Today I'd like to talk about Peace. Internal peace not world wide peace. I don't want to talk about world wide peace because we have not been promised that kind of peace until the thousand year reign with Jesus. But, that's another blog. I'm talking about Peace that surpasses understanding. I'm talking about looking at 50 years in prison and still having peace. I'm talking about my past. And the gift that God gave me through my honesty and faith.

The year 2000 changed my life and the lives of my family. At the time, I was the middle man in drug connections. You see, I couldn't afford to buy drugs because of my kids, but if I arranged the sale of drugs, the dealer would give me a little kick-back for arranging the sale. It worked out great until the police came to my door, and I thought it was a friend of mine and opened the door.......you can imagine the chaos that resulted in that action. I tried to keep my drug use separated from my kids. I didn't always succeed, but thankfully they were with their dad that night and they weren't traumatized by my actions at that time.....that came later, trust me.

After my arraignment, I was sent upstairs to have a test of sorts. That's where they take all the information that I provided and come up with their recommendations for me. Their recommendation was the maximum. 50 years in prison. You see I was busted for possession of a controlled substance with the intent to sell. And since it happened in my apartment, which happened to be close to the high school, that doubled the time. So, 5 years for possession, 20 for distribution, near the high school doubled is 50. But I told the truth to the judge. I ignored my public defenders advice and spoke the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. The judge literally said that he'd never had anyone in his courtroom be as honest as I was. He didn't know what to do with me. He sincerely said all that. In the end, I was given 6 months in the county jail and with good time, I did 4 months. I was also on probation for 2 years which was successfully completed. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I never messed up again. I had my failures afterward, but it didn't take very much to remind me that drugs were not the answer. The day before I was supposed to turn myself in, my little sister died of cancer. They allowed me another week to attend her services. I was in jail for almost 2 months when I was informed that my best friend was in the hospital with AIDS. I was shocked, I had no idea he had AIDS. The guards had me as a trustee and allowed me to call him. I spoke to him on the phone and he died a couple of days later.

My point in telling you these things is not for you to judge me. I sincerely wish you don't. I can take it if you do. But, I want you to know that during the most difficult time of my life I had PEACE!! Peace that surpasses understanding. I went through the worst time of my life hand in hand with The Lord. I was nervous yes, but I knew that I could handle whatever the judge gave me. I knew He would be right there with me.

Today, I don't drink but a glass of wine once or twice a year. No drugs at all other than whats prescribed to me from my doctor. My 3 year drug bender almost cost me my life, literally. I know the Peace that surpasses understanding that Phillipians 4 talks about. I hope I got that right. I know what it's like to lose everything and have my kids look at me through the glass crying because I couldn't touch them. It's not something I'd recommend for anyone. That 4 months in jail changed me, for the better. It's a time in my life that I recall with fondness. I learned that cops weren't the bad guys, they're just people like you and me doing their job.

There is SO much more to this story I wish I could tell you all of it. But, there just isn't enough time or space. Just trust me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel you've found yourself in. The truth shall indeed set you free. For I am free indeed. Even in jail, I was free. Until next time, I ask you to consider what the next person you meet might be going through and smile. Say hello, pray for them. Take care of yourself and others. Love, Patty

Depression is not for the weak

Good Morning,

Why do we lie to others about the way we're feeling? Why do we answer with "fine", when asked how we're doing? There is a very high percentage of us that deal with depression EVERY SINGLE DAY. Why do we keep our mouths shut? There is no shame in having depression. Most people I know deal with depression sometimes, yet even they are reluctant to admit when they're feeling low.....because they don't want to "burden" their friends.

Burden me please!!! I would rather have someone tell me how they're feeling than have someone I care about suffer. Wouldn't you? I find myself doing the same thing. This is why I tend to be a loner these days. I'm just as guilty. It doesn't have to be this way. Nowadays, you see celebrities saying publicly that they too suffer from depression and they're called "brave" for sharing with others that they too are people, just like us. I guess it does take a type of bravery to let others know that you've been strong for too long. Eventually any one trying to shoulder so much burden, will break if they don't have the burden taken or lifted for a time. Depression is not for the weak. Depression is when you've been strong for too long. Somebody else said that.....I'd give credit where credit is due, but don't know who said it.....just know that it's true none the less.

I think there are a lot of people out there who know of someone they knew once or a friend who lost someone to suicide. It's not something to take lightly. You read about it and think why didn't they talk to someone? How could their family not have known? It's easily hidden, this thing called depression. We can smile and no one knows the difference because no one takes the time to really talk any more. We pass by people on the street without even a hello or how ya doing because we're too caught up in our phones and Ipads. We don't see each other anymore. It's sad. Do we have a national depression day? If not, we should. Not that it would fix anything. We need to care about each other more. Look people in the eye when we speak to them. Maybe you can save a life today, just by acknowledging someone who is lonely. A smile goes a whole lot further than you think.

Today I leave you with a verse out of Psalms 139:23-24"Search me, O God and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."  I pray those words for all of you today, and myself of course, because everyone knows I have depression. Until next time, take care of yourselves and others.......Love, Patty

Where do I fit in?

Good Morning everyone,

Today I'm going to go outside of my comfort zone. The first thing I want to say is I heard that the unemployment rate is lower than blah, blah, blah. I can tell you how that happened. It's only lower because they cut people off of unemployment. So there are a whole group of people out there who are not employed and who "don't qualify anymore" who are just surviving on the generosity of family and friends. That low unemployment rate is NOT accurate and they know this but, it does look impressive on paper doesn't it. I was cut off after 20 weeks or so. Technically I don't qualify for it anymore anyway, but that's not the point. The point is that I should be included in that statistic, instead.....I'm kind of off the grid so to speak. So, what category am I in? Where do I fit in?

Okay, Okay, enough of american politics. This is supposed to be the good life here in Nebraska. Our sign as you enter the state says so. I tell you what I've learned today......if a politician is speaking, then.....whatever you do.....don't listen. It's bound to bring you down.

I have had to force myself to remember the Bible, it has all the answers in there. The best part is, the good guys win at the end. I truly believe that is true. All this stupid stuff like politics and democrats and republicans and people like me who don't have a preference for either party, but instead vote for the person, not the party. None of that makes a bit of difference. What will be, will be! It doesn't matter who we put into office, God is in control of the outcome. It doesn't matter by what route He comes through. He will take over and for that I'm so thankful. It makes me feel better when I look at my grandchildren and the world we've created for them. It's shameful and sad. We've allowed electronics and computers and phones to take over our social skills. I'm one of them by writing this blog, but so far I haven't made any money so it really doesn't count. However, I can say that I'm not a very social person anymore. But that has more to do with pain and depression than it does with my social skills. So, I don't count.

Well, this is not at all the kind of thing I'd planned to write. In fact, I have no idea where all this is coming from. I am a willing vessel though, so you're going to get this post regardless. It's not like there's a whole lot of people that are influenced by my words. Hopefully, you're more influenced by Gods Word.

Today I leave you with a verse of promise found in John 14:2-3 the words written in red, read " In My Father's house are many dwelling places: if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself that where I am, there you may be also."

So you see, that's where I fit in. Right where I should be; in My Father's house. I ask for continued prayer and that you would all take care of each other and yourself, until next time.....Love, Patty

I'm headed back to bed.

Hello Everyone,

I really don't have anything to talk about right now. I'm fighting my fibromyalgia today. I guess I did too much yesterday. I shared some wine with my kids for my 50th birthday, not much. They are all adults so that was kind of nice. My oldest son and I got the opportunity to bond again. It seems so much of his life, he's been so quiet and introverted. We were able to talk about that and I have a greater understanding of what makes him tick. It was very informative. It wasn't just my oldest son either. My youngest son is really doing well, I'm so proud of them both. Then you have my daughter....she's approximately 21 weeks pregnant and is doing very well. Trying to gather what all she will need to take care of her baby girl when she decides it's time. I'm so happy to have her in my daily life.

I'm going to relax today, spend some time reading, writing some things I'm thankful for down, and putting them in my "thankful box". Maybe I'll play a few games on facebook. I ask for your continued prayer for me. I still need prayer for pain, depression and for a court date for my disability claim. This being broke thing is not helpful. Or maybe just prayer that Jesus will come soon. That would be nice.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll have something profound to say.......but then if that was the truth, it wouldn't be my blog.  lol. I'm looking forward to laying back down and getting back into my books. You all should relax today too. It's hump day for those of you working a 9-5 type job. I will talk to all of you tomorrow, today, follow my example and relax. God's still in control, take care of yourselves.  Love, Patty

Today I'm 50.....what a ride...

Good Morning Everyone,

Today I turned 50 years old. Yeah, I know, I had the same reaction. It's strange to think of that number applying to me. My body may be 50 or even a larger number, but my mind still sees me as a young woman, sometimes a child. It seems a lifetime can be experienced many times within ones own life. Does that make sense to anyone but me? Don't you sometimes feel like you've already lived several lives? I think about my life as a child and even that was several lifetimes in and of itself, due to so many different life altering things that took place when I was young. By the time I was 12 years old, I'd lost my father, moved too many times to count, had a tornado on my birthday that took a whole lot of Omaha with it and my mother was held hostage, being the only one of 3 to be unharmed physically. And that's just some of the highlights. Thankfully, not all of my life has been that difficult.

Everyone has a story to tell, some are sadder than others. But each story is individual and uniquely experienced. No one will ever tell the exact same story as someone else because the perspective is different from different viewpoints. I thank God for that. We each are given a measure of difficult life circumstances. It doesn't always involve how much money one is brought up with either. I didn't always feel that way. I can remember thinking that if I just had all my bills taken care of, I could be happy. But as I've matured, of course that is not the truth. Happiness is not something you attain and always have from that point on. It's not a possession that one can buy.....though many have tried. Happiness is not a destination, or a person. Happiness can only be attained after you obtain something else.....contentment. I've seen contentment explained as being satisfied, but more accurately as "willing to accept circumstances". So I guess, sometimes I'm content and other times I'm not. So I believe that makes me a member of the human race.

Today I leave you with Phillippians 4:11-13 "Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." I pray these words for myself and all of you who read this. I believe I can say with sincerity, my life is beginning brand new today. After all everything else was half a century ago. Be good to each other, love Patty

Ancestors beware: I WILL find you

Good Morning everyone,

Today is Cinco De Mayo for those who celebrate that, enjoy all the cultural choices at your disposal today. I know Omaha has helped celebrate for many many years. More often in the south area of Omaha, so go get your grub on. Today, I got to thinking about my own back ground and heritage. I've been brought up to believe that I am mostly German, with some Norwegian and some English in me. A few years back, I was informed that I have Irish in me too.....wondered where those freckles and red hair came from when I was little. Now, I've learned that my ancestors came from Austria and there may just be some Jewish in me too. I'm looking forward to learning more about the different cultures that have made me who I am today. Of course I'll share those findings, even if you really don't care. :-)

I believe I've mentioned in previous posts that I grew up not knowing any of my dads side of the family. My father died when I was young and my memories of him are shaky at best. There are only about 5 pictures I've ever seen of him. You can imagine how blown away I've been by the amount of family I have on my dads side. I have half-siblings, nieces and nephews galore. I've never met any of them. Although I have talked to a brother of mine once about 6 or 7 years ago and spoke with a niece the other day for quite a long time. They are all kind of centered together not too many states away. My goal is to go to one of their family reunions so I can meet this family I grew up without. It's amazing to see some of their pictures that they have shared on Facebook. I am so thankful for this social media outlet. If it weren't for Facebook and the like, I would not have known how many cousins I actually have, let alone all the rest. So, thank you Facebook.

It's sad really. All that support and family that could have been mine. I can't help but wonder how different my life would have turned out if my father hadn't died so young. I obviously have no way of knowing the answer to that question. However, if I can use what I've seen on facebook as an indication......they seem to be very close to each other. They all know each other and they love each other and it really does show. It's kind of nice to see some family resemblance in some of their pictures.

It gives me hope to know that one day I'll meet this family of mine and will be accepted as one of their own. Until that happens I will just enjoy the posts they share and get to know them that way. Today I will leave you with a verse from the book of John, spoken by Jesus in chapter 15:17, "This I command you, that you love one another". Such a simple statement with worlds of meaning inside. Please continue to pray for me for my depression and pain. I appreciate that so much. Love, Patty

May the 4th be with you...,

Good Morning Everyone,

My grandson woke me up this morning by putting his foot into my face, then climbing on me and finally by giving me kisses.....I was awake the whole time, but really wanted to see what he would do next. He didn't once cry. It was way too cute. He has his own little remote and I got to tell you, it's just one of the cutest things I've ever seen. He's also learned how to fight when getting his diaper changed. He is a strong child. He is almost 7 months old, does the army crawl, quickly, rocks on his hands and knees. He's just getting so big, so fast. So you can see why I needed to be strong, so that's why I'm glad the 4th was with me....If you're not a Star Trek fan you may not get what I'm trying to say and I'm not going to take credit for it either....my son is the one who said it to me in such a way that even I understood what he meant.

So what does this day hold in store for me? How about you? I'm getting a late start and for me, that's not bad either. My grandson is safely tucked away for his morning nap as I try to finish what I started here. I always enjoy Sundays because everybody slows down. Not in a big rush all the time.

My kids have a VUDU acct and have opened my heart to the movie "Frozen" as have much of the country. I don't know if it's the music or the lovable characters or what, but I can't seem to get enough of it. Even my grandson fell asleep drinking his bottle while watching it with me. You know, I feel a bit frozen lately, maybe that's why I've had such a difficult time with my exile here. My exile without car, money, job, insurance. It is necessary to go through this but it's not easy either.

I will leave you a piece of hope that I got out of the Bible. It's in the book of John 14:18 and in red, it reads " I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." This verse ministers to me because I kind of feel like an orphan these days. Be blessed and may you realize you're not alone, none of us are if we choose not to be. Please continue to pray for me and my depression and pain. And may the 4th be with you.... Love, Patty

This is not at all what I had in mind....

Good Morning Everyone,

I totally messed up. I've been writing my blog at night, then posting it first thing in the morning. I did something wrong and now it's completely gone. No big deal. I'll just start over. Yesterday, I set out to have a great day. I was going to get out and enjoy the sunshine and that whole ideal choice turned on me, like 5 minutes into our excursion. I ended up bringing everyone right down with me and now one of my sisters isn't talking to me. It's very frustrating. It was not my intention to bring my depression with me at all. That was supposed to stay home like a good little state of mind....but NO. I guess things will get better when I allow them to. That's all there is to it in a nut shell. Eventually I will stop pounding my fist on the floor and allow the Lord to do what He's trying to do with me.

So, I'll try to regale you with my great find yesterday, before things turned badly. I am a collector of sorts. I love all the crazy things they can be made with blown glass, and vases and pitchers and pictures and photography and all sorts of beautiful things. I have pieces from quite a few countries. I'm no where near what I'd like to have but what I do have is very special to me. So yesterday, I'm at this garage sale and I find this Haeger brand pitcher complete with the stickers of authenticity and stamped underneath for only....get this.....50 cents. Can you believe that??? There is a similar pitcher on ebay that has chips on the base for 35.00 so I'm thinking I made a pretty good purchase.

Garage sales have become the bane of my existence. It's like the only thing left that I can do outside. As long as I take it slow. All of my sisters enjoy this too. I can remember when my mother died and I went up to WA to say goodbye and ended up staying with my sister for almost a month. I took her to garage sales and she was hooked on the first try. So now, we all enjoy finding our little treasures.

I really liked what my other blog was, too bad I screwed it all up. It was full of witty sayings and bright and cheerful meanderings of my mind. Instead you got this.  Sorry. However, I will leave you with one of my favorite verses out of the Bible. It's printed in red from John 15: 16 "You did not choose Me, but I chose you, and appointed you, that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should remain that whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He may give to you."

I guess I have some growing to do in order the bear the fruit that He has in mind for me. I pray that you too are fruitful and that your fruit should remain.....in the meantime, take care of each other and yourself. Love, Patty

It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun shining day

Good Morning Everyone,

I'm having a difficult time right now, which anyone who reads my blog knows. There is a person who I have lost respect for. Someone I once considered a friend, then this person began to treat my children badly. This person is still somewhat in the lives of my children. I have chosen to step away and not interfere since my children are adults and can make their own decisions now. But, it's very difficult to not judge this persons actions. I have done what I have to in order to keep the peace. This too has not been easy.

How often have I been the guilty one? How often have I put my needs above the needs of others? How many times did I knowingly not fight for what I knew was right simply to keep from making waves? Well the answer if often in the question. If I didn't need to ask it, then there would be no one the wiser. Right? We all make mistakes and mine are no different than the average person. I'm no less a sinner than the next person. I guess that whole not being in charge thing is still something I struggle with. But.......here's the kicker....I feel BETTER TODAY!!!

I know all of this makes no sense to you. I have been in such a funk, but I feel more hopeful today. Because once again, everything is new every morning. Today I have a choice, so do you. Today, I'm choosing to look toward the positive. I'm going to make an effort to not stay in my room and let my life slip by. It's supposed to be sunny today so I want to get out and stretch these legs. Let's face it, it's harder to be sad and depressed when the sun gives off so much life and warmth.

Have you watched the "Black Box"? It's about this Dr who has Bipolar disorder and sometimes she chooses to forego her medications. I find myself connecting with her character, because I too gave up a child to a family member for adoption and for mainly the same reasons, but not entirely. However, I'm not a liar. Also I don't have Bipolar, so no manic for me. Therefore any bad sexual encounters were just my own faulty thinking. But I do love her spontaneity, her dancing in the streets and not caring at all what others think.

As I've said before, remember each decision you make, makes a mark on either you or others. Try to concentrate on any positive thing. Which sometimes you have to look pretty hard......just stay away from the news,.....that will help trust me. This morning I leave you with one of my favorite verses.

Galations 6:9 "And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary."  Be good to each other and don't neglect your own needs.  Love, Patty

When the going gets tough, the tough...........

Yesterday I found out I'm having a granddaughter. Her name is Emma. She is so active inside her momma's tummy. It was just beautiful. I'm so thankful to be at the age where it is those little things that bring the most joy. So, why am I fighting depression like the world is falling apart at the seams? Maybe because it kind of is....if you pay attention at all to the news. Usually I can make myself feel better just knowing that according to the Bible, the good guys win. It truly helps. So why am I not spending more time in His Word? I have no idea.

It's never my intent to bring others down. However these past few days or more have been really challenging for me. I'm waiting for a court date for my disability claim. My attorney says very positive things but it's been over a year. It's really starting to weigh on me. Oh yeah, let's not forget that part. I've gained like 15 pounds, oh goody.

But, yes my NEEDS are met. I DO have people who love me. I'm not homeless or hungry. I have medications that do help with the pain even though they make me loopy enough that a job is out of the question. It's not like they take the pain away, but it takes my pain level from an 8 to probably a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1 to 10.

The trouble is, my whole routine has been tossed out the window. Don't get me wrong it was my choice to do that. And it had to happen eventually, but that particular decision has cost me more than I thought I'd have to pay. It's amazing really, one little decision can have a ripple effect that can lead you in a downward spiral. But, I believe that when things are at their worst, is when God is most effective. He is up to something in my life. I know this because I have absolutely NO control over what goes on from here. Believe me, knowing that does help me keep perspective. The song of Carrie Underwood's comes to mind "Jesus Take the Wheel". That seems to be exactly what's happened. Not knowing my destination is difficult for a control freak like me. I like plans and rhythm and knowing what's happening. I'm not very spontaneous anymore.

Please continue to pray for me to keep perspective and if any of you have a bit of advice or a verse that helps you when you're having times like these.....I'd love for you to share them with me. When the going gets tough, the tough get on their knees. But my knees are not very strong, so help me please. I need the strength that numbers can provide. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my rotten frame of mind. You are truly appreciated.

Until next time, take care.....all of you...Patty