I'm not who I think I am

Hello Everyone,

I know I missed Easter with you, so Happy Easter. I'm early for April Fools so I guess this is no joke. I want to be true to you. True about who I am. You know I had a cousin die last week. A cousin who has done nothing but bring joy to all he met. He played his guitar and sang and his daughters still called him Daddy. I never met him, except through Facebook. After I became disabled and I spent that year without any income. I had to turn my car back over to the bank. So, not only do I not have a car but they are trying to get 6,000. from me. Yeah, sorry, not gonna happen. I turned that car over the moment I knew I wasn't going to be able to pay for it. Well that's another story and I don't want to get in to that right now. Anyway, my point is that he wasn't that far away, but I couldn't get there to meet him and now he's gone.

Make sure you let your loved ones know that they have touched you, that they meant something, that you miss them and love them. They won't be there forever. They never are. Tomorrow is not promised. And though I try not to preach on this blog, I still have to say, don't let death be your final destination. Make sure you know where you're going. I truly believe that death just kills our body, but our soul lives on and that can be either in heaven or hell.....your choice. Sorry, again, not sorry, this is what I believe.

I might also say regarding the Depression that I'm not being medicated properly. So many issues have been brought to the surface recently. Though they are issues from the past and as adults we are to put those childish issues in the past and live as an adult. It doesn't mean that things that happened in the past should have ever happened to a child. Therefore, they are not childish issues. They're adult issues that a child was forced to endure. And they occurred at a time when your little brains are forming their personalities. Who we will be for the rest of our lives. How we will think. Now I know that I have the Spirit of God that dwells inside me. He speaks to me on a daily basis trying to tell me the truth of who I am. Unfortunately, that's not the only voice speaking to me. (speaking is such a relative term), I hope you know what I mean. It's not a spoken voice, it's more like a thought that makes its presence known. Those thoughts don't always have a good thing to say about me. Sometimes, those thoughts are really, really tough on me. It's difficult to know that your past isn't just who you are, it's only a part of who you are. Don't forget that. We can also add into that mix, who we will be. And that's an important part. I have to say these things because I need to remember them. I need to hear this so if it doesn't apply to you, just go on to the next blog and accept my forgiveness. Not all of us are as screwed up as I am.

Until we meet again, remember Be Kind, Be Wise, Be True, love, Patty

I can see clearly now the veil is gone

Hello Everyone,

It's nice to be back here. Not that I went anywhere. I'm just happy to have something to share. I'm really not certain what I want to say or how to say it. So, you're getting completely off the cuff. I'm sorry if it's kind of "out there" for many of you.

Most of you who read this know that I struggle with pain and depression and that I'm disabled now. Recently, my depression medication had to be changed. That requires a process of slowly coming off a medication you're used to and then beginning a new medication to a body that is down, depression wise. That process for me was very difficult and it's been more than a month and I'm just now starting to feel human again. That is probably why I've been unable to write anything.....trust me, I had nothing positive to share.

I have been trying to read at least a chapter of scripture each morning before I read the paper or watch The Today show. You know, just trying to start my days thoughts on the right foot, so to speak. I haven't done it everyday. I've missed some and that's okay. Yesterday however, I was reading in James and Isaiah and I had this spiritual nudge to call an old Pastor of mine. Someone I had a falling out with 20 years ago. I won't go into specifics but this was something I NEVER thought I would ever do. I have forgiven myself for my part and the Pastor and the church. When negative feelings would overcome me over the years, I forgive again. I guess I just never felt it necessary to revisit this part of my past. I believe I was mistaken.

I called the church and acquired the email address of the pastor involved. I just sent a short message, reminding who I am and letting them know of my need to revisit the past for the sake of peace within me.
I did get a very positive response and was asked to be patient in completely responding to my inquiry. Now I sit and I wait patiently. Making that first step though, has provided me with a sense of rightness. I know I am doing what The Lord wanted me to do. That phone call and resulting email was 20 years in the making. I have had it clear in my mind how I was "wronged" and even where I was wrong. But, until I made that phone call, I had not fully looked at the facts and my part in that falling out. I thought I had, really I did. But, we sometimes put blinders on when the truth is too difficult to look at directly. When I made that phone call, the blinders I didn't know were there, came off. I am now more aware of my actions and how they contributed at the time.

I look forward to the healing I will experience as I dig a little deeper into this. I'm thankful The Lord brought this to my mind and wouldn't allow me to let it go this time. I am blessed. I plan to share more of this (my spiritual growth) as it occurs and hopefully it will encourage someone else to take off the veil and look clearly into whatever you've had difficulty seeing. In the meantime, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Love, Patty

A Kiss of Encouragement

Good Morning Everyone,

I am trying to be a better person. This morning I found myself reading in the book of Isaiah in chapter 35 and I came across the one of the most beautiful verses of things to come in the millennial kingdom in verses 1-2, ".....and the Arabah will rejoice and blossom; Like the crocus it will blossom profusely and rejoice with rejoicing and shout of joy........". If you're like me, you've probably read this many times and never gave it much thought. But, if what I'm reading is correct, then in the millennial kingdom, flowers will shout with joy! Can you even imagine a world like that? I have to say it filled me with joy this morning, just the thought of it. I can visualize what that will be like, maybe it was a gift from The Lord......a visual to be refreshed by with things to come. Maybe it's a pat on the shoulder, a kiss of encouragement in a time of frustration for me. This is what I have to look forward to; flowers that sing with joy. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but maybe I'm not.

There is hope, and I think that is the lesson here for me and maybe for you too. We're told not to lose hope. I try not to, but it's hard in this day and age of greed and political unrest. I've become kind of jaded. I don't always see things as they are. The way I feel plays way too big a part in my day to day functions. I forget to look toward a future that doesn't involve pain or death or greed with political unrest and wars and rumors of wars. Maybe it won't be today, but maybe it will. Nobody knows when these things will happen. But if you're looking at the way the world is today, it's never been riper for the prophecies to finally happen.

I just wanted to share a little joy with you this morning. My last post was an eye opener for those of us who don't look at the truth of who we really are at the core of our being. Choosing instead to look through a blind eye at the choices we've made and how they've affected others. Looking at truth doesn't always have to be a reprimand. Sometimes truth is not painful. In fact, truth is made to be freeing. I don't hold those truths about myself close to my head and heart. I don't mind being an open book. I'd rather be truthful about my ugly parts and my beautiful parts. I am who I am and today that makes me peaceful. My prayer for you is that your truth makes you peaceful as well. I hope you find hope in the future that has been created for us. I hope the thought of flowers singing with joy brings you to a place of excitement for things to come.

For today as always, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, with all my love, Patty

Truthful Eyes

Hello Everyone,

I know, I know I'm about as reliable as the weather in the Midwest. However, now that I pretty much have my life nailed back down I think I'm ready to share some things with all of you again. Thank you so much to those of you who have stayed with me during my dry spells and spells where I'm actually saying something. You mean something to me.

I believe it is now safe to say.......I'm going to be a grandma again.....to 2 more beautiful children by my daughter and my daughter in law. It sounds like one should be ready in August and the other maybe not til September or so. That will give me 5 grandchildren under the age of 3! Can you believe that??? God has blessed me so many times it's hard to believe I ever have down days but oh well. I am still a human being.

I've noticed as I've grown older how many failures have led me to this place of an understanding of myself.
It has recently been pointed out to me that my kids' stepmother has had a more positive influence on my kids than I have. I have to say my first impression upon hearing this was not a positive one.....not at all. In fact, I felt embarrassed, chastised, hurt, wronged and a whole bunch of other emotions. However, she has had a greater influence in many ways than I have. I have come to believe that she has held them to a higher standard than I have, which in a lot of ways have helped them to be better people. Every parent makes mistakes and I'm not any different. It was a very hard realization for me to accept that she too has been their mom for about 12 years now. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I've agreed with her methods, I have NOT. In fact, I've been quite upset by the way I feel my kids were treated growing up with her. There was a constant comparison between her children and mine that left some of my kids feeling very inferior. I felt like it was my job to help keep the balance and overlooked things that should have been dealt with by a firmer hand from me. I couldn't do it though and looking back, I sort of wished I was a stronger person, both then and now.

Making mistakes doesn't make us better people until we've looked at what happened through truthful eyes. I made so many mistakes and they weren't all about keeping the balance either. I also had an occasion occur recently that reminded me that I can be VERY self centered and near sighted when it comes to many things. Like a lot of other people, I have a list of excuses I could use that would make me feel better as a person, mother, sister, grandmother, human being. But I know the only way to grow in faith and in maturity is by being put through the refinery, like gold and silver is....having our impurities taken out is a painful process but it yields a purer soul. The end result is not where the growth occurs, the growth occurs during the painful times. It's looking in the mirror and working on the issues you see reflect back at you.

I pray this message finds you at peace with who you are and from where you've come and where you're headed. Until we meet again, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Patty

Dresses on the walls? What?

Hello Everyone,

Well this is my 100th post on this blog. I've enjoyed the opportunity to express myself even if there aren't many of you out there reading this. It's therapeutic for me regardless. I would, however like to share some positive things that are going on in my life. I've spent quite a bit of time sharing my frustrations and depression episodes and things similar, in hopes that my words would encourage someone dealing with the same type of feelings I have. It helps to know you're not alone when experiencing depression. That someone out there understands and that it's okay and even healthy to talk about it. I think it's important to be genuine. I'm not always happy, but I'm not always sad and depressed either. I think it's time for some of the good.

As many of you know, I recently moved into a main level apt with only one bedroom. This has been the most positive thing I've done for myself in a long time. I have to give a shout out to my sister who lives here in town close by. She's got some of the strangest ideas when it comes to decorating that just seem to work. I mean who would think to use an old fashioned blinged out dress as wall decoration? She does and it works! She has me rethinking some of my standards and shaking things up a bit. Now, I don't have a dress hanging on my wall but I do have a scarf that's outlining some pictures that looks fabulous. I think my fish likes it too. I have another sister who's about 20 miles away and her and her husband just bought a house and now she gets to start over on her decorating. Changing just a few things in a room can alter it in a way that what once was "a little much" to "warm and inviting", she gets to start from scratch. It's exciting. When I walk through my apt door, I automatically feel good to be HOME. There's just something about the smaller more compact apt that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Today as I sat here at home with my blinds open watching the snow fall for the first time this season, I was overcome by how many blessings I've received this year. Some of them weren't even asked for. I'm humbled when I realize how much of the negative I have focused on. It's genuine alright, but it shouldn't be. I am the only one who can make that decision. The decision to be content with what I've been given. My prayer for all of you and myself is that we will all become active participants in learning to be content and at peace wherever our station in life may be.

Tonight I leave you with an appropriate verse in Hebrews 13: 5b ".....being content with what you have, for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you."" Until we meet again, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True.......Love, Patty

I AM CHOSEN!!

Hello Everyone,

It's hard to believe that we're nearing the end of October of 2015. Truth be told, I never expected to live this long. I treated myself badly for years. For those of you younger than I....take note. You will pay later for what you put your body through now. Some people just have good genes I guess. I must not be one of them. But, that doesn't have to define who we are today. I know I say that sort of thing a lot these days but it's true. I look back on my younger years and see the choices I made and the stupid things I believed and how I allowed others to treat me. I wish I could talk to her....my younger self. Let her know how many regrets she would have later. Tell her to think more and act less. Be silent, listen, be still.

I feel that way about my family and loved ones too. I see things in my children that I wish I could just download my experiences into their data banks and have them learn by osmosis. We are a lot like computers it's true, but not enough and that is a very good thing. What we failed to know then is what made us who we are now. That my dear is not a mistake. We can't pick and choose our mistakes from the past and most of us wouldn't anyway. We know that if only one of those things didn't occur, it would change everything....everything that we are now. I have to believe that all that I am is for a reason. There is something special about me. There is something in me worth dying for. I am a precious daughter of the Almighty God. I am chosen and elected and adopted as one of HIS. I would be a better use to Him if I remember who I am and where I'm going and what is truly important in this life of ours. A little reminder of this is found in I Thess. 1:4-5a "knowing, brethren beloved by God, His choice of you; for our gospel did not come to you in word only, but also in power and with the Holy Spirit and with full conviction; "

I wish for you all to be blessed and until we meet again remember to Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, with love, Patty

Blah, blah, blah and other interesting topics

Hello Everyone,

I really am trying to be more regular at this but, it's hard. It's hard to know what's appropriate and helpful or what's going to bring others down or cause sorrow. There's been a lot of reminders lately of those people whom I've loved and lost. Family members who have passed on that I miss so entirely. I am frustrated with my lack of life or rather the lack of participation in life. Having chronic illnesses that are not going to get better takes a part in that as well.

Have you had times where you want to get together with family or friends and you don't because you don't want to bring them down? I get tired of hearing myself complain. Others ask how I'm doing and I don't have a positive thing to say unless I'm not honest. What's the point, right? So, I stay home, get bored, talk to my fish, read books, watch the daily paper pile up without being read. I watch hour after hour of Netflix, but even that gets old......trust me.

I really need some ideas for some hobbies. I don't want to sew or crochet or knit....I've already been through the cross-stitch phase. I read, but that's not enough. I sometimes think I'll buy a guitar and learn how to play or buy a drawing pad and see where my thoughts take me in that format. Send me your ideas please.

On a positive note, one of my grandsons spent the night with me last night. We had a great time. It's amazing just watching his vocabulary develop along with his understanding of different things. Truly amazing. The two of us giggled while playing all morning. Don't get me wrong, it is exhausting and I do pay for it physically but it's worth it.

Also, can a fish like an African Cichlid get sick due to boredom or loneliness? If so, what can I do? This particular fish is too aggressive with other fish and has to be separated, but truthfully, she stalks me. She watches every move I make and it makes me feel terrible.

Anyway, I miss hearing from those I care about, but even if you don't know me feel free to drop a comment. I'm still trying out here to find my way. In the meantime, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True. Patty