Confessions of a serial isolationist

Hello Everyone,

It's been awhile but I'm here now. I'm thankful for the few of you who still have an interest in my ramblings. I'm not sure what all I've shared regarding recent goings on so here's an update. I did finally get my disability and now have all my medical taken care of. I'm able to live alone and be self sufficient. Self sufficient in all ways except transportation. And since I'm outside of Omaha now, there isn't a transportation system to get me to local appointments. Thankfully I'm able to get a ride for most errands. I also now have 3 local grandchildren who are also a great source of joy for me.

You would think I would be more appreciative. Instead I find myself struggling daily, sometimes all day with depression, helplessness and without any lasting joy. I find myself not wanting to get outside at all even when I do have a ride. I feel lost and honestly, very lonely. For the past 8 years I've learned to isolate quite effectively and that's not a good thing for me. I've managed to pull away from loved ones and friends to the point where I really don't hear from anyone anymore. Sometimes that bothers me, but mostly it bothers me that I've become comfortable with it.....usually.

I'm sharing this with you for several reasons. First of all, I need prayer. Prayer to have the desire and strength to get out of my little shell and the transportation to make it possible. Secondly, by sharing with you my struggles, maybe it will help someone else to reach out and ask for help. Lastly, I like to be honest about myself. I struggle with keeping myself upright sometimes. I have days where I don't hardly leave my room. Medically, my doctors are trying to get me the help my body needs but my emotional and spiritual health is sadly in need of radical help.

So there it is. This is me asking for help. I need prayer warriors. I started reading in Phillipians today. The verse that stuck out the most was 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." All hope is not lost....I really do know this, but sometimes the road is really long. Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True.......Love, Patty

Happy Easter!

Good Afternoon All,

I just wanted to take a moment and wish all of you who read this a Happy Easter. The greatest miracle of all time was when He rose from the grave and took away the power of death. And in doing so provided us who believe, a home, forever with Him. There is no death for those who believe. Even if our bodies die, behold, we live. He is Risen! Rejoice and be glad.

I pray you are all with your families and just enjoying the pleasure of your loved ones. I am just writing these few words as my granddaughter awaits me. Until we meet again, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True. Patty

Changes, Changes and Changes

Hello folks,

I don't even know how to begin this blog again. Or what I even want to say. I guess I could start off by letting those of you who have read my blog in the past know how things have changed.  So many changes, okay, first of all. I am officially disabled and after 2 years finally have steady income each month. It's not much, but it's enough to take care of my needs. I am so thankful for all the support I received during my time of learning. I say it was my time of learning because you really learn what is truly important when you have NO income of any sort. The Lord does provide! I have experienced first hand His ability to care for me.

The second thing that has changed is that I now have 2 grandchildren. My Paxton is about 18 months old and my granddaughter Emma is just shy of 7 months. My third grand child is still in the womb. His name is Dean and we'll be meeting him in about a month. They are all beautiful and teaching me a whole new form of love I didn't know existed until they came along.

Let's see what else? I am now overjoyed (NOT) to find out I have Diabetes type 1.5 and that's about all I know about it other than it's known as LADA (latent autoimmune diabetes in adults). Oh, and it really sucks.

My youngest son is getting married this June and I'm looking forward to officially adding the mother of my grandsons to the family. I've considered her my daughter for sometime but it'll be nice to have it official.

So now, I'm trying to figure out a way to get my oldest sister home for the wedding along with her 3 grandchildren that she is adopting. We had airline tickets but the company we bought them from apparently had some issues with their vouchers and Southwest Airlines said, oh well, not our problem. So, now we're trying to raise funds for them to rent a car to drive down with unlimited mileage. Anyone know of any fabulous deals? She's in Washington state if that helps anyone.

So, life goes on. Nothing really changes except that everything changes. I still spend a lot of time in my room. I try to get out but that still remains a difficulty for me as now I get a little claustrophobic when I get anywhere with even a small crowd. I guess I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and well and living on planet earth. Until next time, I'd like to share one of my favorite verses in Phillipians 4:19 "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Be Kind. Be Wise. Be True.
Patty

Stranger things have happened.

Hello everyone, I know, once again I've been caught up in my own little world. I've heard some good news though and thought I would share with all of you who have been praying on my behalf. The judge who was looking through my disability case has awarded me my disability pay and I will be receiving back pay for roughly a year or so. But.......I won't receive it for a couple of months or so. I'm still relying solely on my sister who is thankfully still paying my bills. She getting some of my settlement but it won't be nearly enough for all she's done this past year. I love you so much Michelle. Thank you!

You would think with this good news I would have a better disposition. Unfortunately, I'm still a worrier even though worrying is completely pointless. And, due to my worrying, it's caused my fibro to be in full blown over-active mode for some time. This is causing problems for son and daughter in law as they count on me to be there for my grandson while my daughter works. And sometimes I put my foot in my mouth and my words come out completely different than what I had intended. So now......I don't know, I worry and I miss those days when laughter was my main staple. I've been reading in the book of Acts, which is the one book in the new testament that makes me nervous. I just don't have a handle on all of it. I guess it's time to finish that book and move on to one that's encouraging, like Romans.

Today, I had a stranger hand me a note. Odd enough in and of itself but the note said "God will listen to your prayers". This isn't news, I've known that part for years but I don't always put it into practice. So, today I am choosing to rest in my room, enjoy my granddaughter Emma, watch stuff on Netflix and ignore all things negative, including myself. I apparently don't really care for me these days. So if you've been praying for me, please continue....I know that this too shall pass but it feels like forever before my life will have any life to it at all.

Today I leave you with one of my favorite verses in Acts 17:24 - 28 "The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; neither is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all life and breath and all things; and He made from one, every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times, and the boundaries of their habitation, that they should seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said 'for we also are His offspring'"

Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, love, Patty

Random anyone???

Hello Everyone,

Today has run the full lap of experiences. I had joy playing and hugging with my grandson. I got to give my granddaughter some grandma tummy time, which for her is like a fluffy pillow. I think I got the fluffy belly down REAL good. I got to see my favorite daughter in law. I had an opportunity to encourage someone I love deeply to remind her that she's worth taking a stand for. I had an unexpected anonymous gift in the mail. I'm hoping that whoever sent the gift reads this and knows how much my day was blessed both by the gift and the message that came with it. You know who you are and I pray for blessings upon blessings for you. There has also been some physical pain and discomfort which keeps me humble.

I really do live a good life. I wish I appreciated it more. Sometimes, I have these moments of such clarity and it reminds me that this life is not my forever home. In a way, I'm kind of like one of the millions of children who are in foster homes and group homes waiting for their forever family. The trials and tribulations they endure during the journey, makes the destination that much sweeter. As an adopted child of God, I'm anxious sometimes for my forever home and family. But then, things like today happen and I'm reminded once again that we (the church) are His arms, His legs, His heart, His instruments to assist others when the opportunity is made known to us. My prayer is that I keep my ears open and my mouth shut so I may know what my Lord would have me do in any given time or place.

Therein lies the problem; keeping silent so I may hear what plans there are for me. I'm reminded A LOT that I need to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow. There are so many daily reminders that even though I have not reached my final destination, I know the Pilot personally and He is by far the best there is. He loves me. He loves you too. This evening I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite verses from the book of Psalms 46:10 which states "Be still, and know that I am God." Until next time, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True, Love, Patty

Nice game, nice life

Good Morning Everyone,

I know, I'm still being difficult. It's just with another grandchild, my little miss Emma, I'm juggling more than one. You know, I never thought that I had this much love in me. It feels like this is life. Am I okay with how it's coming along? I don't really have the answer to that question yet. Right now, I actually have a court date for my disability through SSI. It's been a couple of years, but have spent this entire year without funds of my own. It's amazing how the extras get taken care of.

There is a question that I think everyone needs to answer, "Am I okay with how my life is coming along?". What would I change? I really hadn't asked myself that question. The obvious answers are getting income again, obtaining a reliable vehicle and pretty much revolving my life around the lives of my 3 kids and their 2 kids with a third one on the way. Her due date is my birthday. They're hoping for a girl but Paxton will be a great big brother anyway you look at it.

But wait, there's still things I wanted to do. I wanted to learn to paint a landscape with oils. I want to try my hand at photography. I think I take GREAT pics. I'll put some up here soon. I'd love to try sculpture or join a reading group with the classics. I've thought about so many things that I thought I'd have an opportunity to still try. I'd love to go abroad and see some of Europe. Truthfully, I'd love to see more than Europe. But I also fight anything outside of the routine. What's a woman to do?

It is strange. Yesterday, my ex-husband came back into town to see the kids and his dad I assume and he got to meet his new granddaughter. Seeing the picture of him takes me back to the music I liked when we were in high school and were dating. He was my best friend for so long. I really miss him. I'm not saying that I don't want his marriage to work. I'm just saying I miss my friend. My kids father. I wish we could have gone through these changes together (in the same room, not necessarily together).

This weekend really brought back a lot of feelings about family and the past and how it's all connected somehow and weaves a beautiful tapestry that is the makings of my life. I guess I just wanted to say, I've missed everyone.....even the ones I haven't actually met.

Until next time, I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses in Romans 12: 1-2 "I urge you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

Until we meet again, Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True........and I hope you like the pictures I included after this. Love, Patty

Nebraska Football: It's a beautiful thing!!

Hello, I'll get up in the morning and get you up to date. Tonight this is all I have. :-p